Four Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Discipline

Courtesy of photographer David Castillo
Dominici and Free Digital Photos dot net

In my work with parents and teachers on solving behavior challenges with children, I help them identify the problem, possible causes of the behavior, and then possible solutions for eliminating it. My goal is to send the adults away with a few simple step-by-step techniques they can implement immediately to bring about quick change at home or in the classroom. Here are four key questions to ask yourself to help you identify a current behavior issue and some common sense solutions to solve them.

QUESTION # 1: Why can’t the behavior occur? 

Adults react unnecessarily when children behave in ways that annoy or embarrass the adult, or add more chaos to their already stressed state of mind. Adults also react in this manner in response to feelings of fear that the child may fall down or get hurt in some fashion. Stop before you react unnecessarily and ask yourself, “What is the worst that could happen if I don’t react?,” or “Why can’t my child do what she’s doing at the moment?” Let go of the urge to control everything and everybody. Avoid arranging the outcomes of everyone’s behavior.

QUESTION # 2: How would the child know not to behave this way? 

Children see the world from a different perspective than adults, and adults unfairly assume or expect children to see it from theirs. Carefully examine the models that your children have around them to learn from and be sure to set good examples that teach what you want them to learn. Encouraging a child to read frequently, for example, works best when they see the adult reading, too. Create agreements ahead of time and set up rules before activities begin, not in the middle of them. Yes, this will require you as a caregiver to think ahead and predict behavior situations that could be challenging.

QUESTION # 3: What unmet needs might the child be demonstrating? 

In many instances, both children and adults demonstrate surprising behaviors as a way of getting unmet needs satisfied. The little boy constantly drawing may be exhibiting his need to draw and create. Creating appropriate opportunities for him to draw and color may be all that is necessary to eliminate the problem. Giving a bossy child the opportunity to lead family activities may satisfy his need to be in charge. And relaxing over a tween's or teen’s experiments with her appearance that doesn’t endanger her, could satisfy her need to explore her own identity in a healthy way. Have you ever behaved in curious ways to satisfy any unmet needs of your own?

QUESTION # 4: Is there a purpose to this behavior for the child? 

Both children and adults find ways to act out to create more purpose in their life. A little boy picking fights with his brother discovered that it brought his busy grandmother into the room in hopes of her taking his side. The little girl who had once again become a baby was most likely responding to the jealousy she may have felt of having to share her parents with her new sibling. And my own son found a new way to annoy others by experimenting with sounds he could make with his voice.

Before you get angry, step back for one moment, take a deep breath, and ask yourself these four questions. Perhaps the answers they offer may allow you to see the behavior differently and provide you with an opportunity to choose an alternate response that will get you more effective results.  Behavior is usually a result of what has been learned through imitation or getting unmet needs or purpose satisfied. Avoid the urge to react and think of ways you can be proactive instead, to avoid or eliminate challenging behaviors.

Treat Me Like I'm Someone You Love

I was shopping at the local “big box” store in town recently.  As I was walking out into the parking lot, I noticed a mother walking in front of me with a preschooler-aged little boy and a little girl of probably 8 or 9.  The mother was yelling at the little girl to “Get back here… NOW!”  The little girl seemed mad about something and she was walking a few feet ahead of the woman.

When the mother yelled (and quite loud I must say), the girl would immediately stop in her tracks, arms folded, face down and with a huge frown.  As the mother caught up to the girl, she yelled at her with a phrase something like “If you walk ahead of me one more time, you’re gonna get it when we get home!”  But as soon as the mother was almost within an arm’s reach to her, the little girl would quickly walk ahead.”

This went on for the entire walk out into the parking lot.  With the constant threats and the woman’s growing anger, I feared the mother might hit her daughter (assuming she was her daughter).  Customers passing us by, quickly looked the other way .  She had a very big build and sounded and looked tired and angry.  I was afraid she was going to have had enough with the girl.

I’ve witnessed this incident many times in the past and I think because I am a parent educator, I feel very sensitive to the situation.  I can feel the mother’s pain of being tired, stressed and angry, and not in need of anyone adding to what she already feels.  And I can feel for the little girl who may be acting this way because she is mad about something that occurred between her and her mother earlier.  It seems like a no-win situation that could quickly get out of hand if the mother is not able to control her anger. 

My friend and pediatrician Susan Markel, MD asks parents to avoid losing control at all costs.  Chapter 8 in her book What Your Pediatrician Doesn’t Know Can Hurt Your Child (BenBella Books;2010) is titled Treat Me Like I’m Someone You Love.  In it she warns parents that taking your anger or frustration out on your child is likely to lead them to feeling like there is something wrong with them.

If you ever find yourself in this situation with your children, remain calm, stop talking and give up the urge to control the outcome.  Take several deep breaths and get yourself and your children home quickly.  Take a break as soon as you can and know that you are human and need breaks from the kids now and again.  I love that Dr. Markel also says “Behavior is not taught to children by talking about it.  Rather, correct behavior is demonstrated, observed and experienced… children learn to be nice by having someone be nice to them.”

Bill Corbett is the author of the award-winning parenting book series, LOVE, LIMITS, & LESSONS: A PARENT'S GUIDE TO RAISING COOPERATIVE KIDS (in English and in Spanish) and the executive producer and host of the public access television show CREATING COOPERATIVE KIDS. As a member of the American Psychological Association and the North American Society for Adlerian Psychology, Bill provides parent coaching and keynote presentations to parent and professional audiences across the country. He sits on the board of the Network Against Domestic Abuse and the Resource Advisory Committee for Attachment Parenting International, and holds several degrees in clinical psychology. Bill's practical experience comes as a father of 3 grown children, a grandfather of two, and a stepdad to three.  You can learn more about his work at http://www.CooperativeKids.com and http://www.BillCorbett.com.