How To Make It Up To Your Child When You Make A Mistake

If you haven't snapped at your child, forgotten something you were suppose to do for them, arrived late for a recital or game, dropped the ball on a promise, or made a parenting decision you regretted, then you aren't human. We parents are often stressed, busy, over worked, forgetful and tired and we make mistakes.

I remember too well saying something like, "I know I said I'd take you _____________, but I'm really busy and have to get _____________ done before dinner tonight." And then there are the painful incidents in which I snapped or yelled when caught off guard or noticed something written on with crayon or broken, and automatically thinking about how much that item cost or what I'm going to have to spend to fix, clean or replace an item.

Austrian neurologist and the father of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, taught us that we have automatic systems in place that defend our ego from being hurt by guilt and fear. When we parents get angry toward our children, it's a way of protecting our ego from feeling guilty that we mismanaged our schedule and didn't show up on time, or that we forgot something that was important to our children. It's also occurs when we think about having to pay out money that was not in the budget and we're already over extended financially.

When we find ourselves in this situation, we must calm down and breath. A few deep breaths will help us manage our emotions and see the situation for what it really is; not quite as serious as we had ourselves believing. If we're able to, it works remarkably well to see the situation from our child or teen's perspective. I remember my teenage son coming how with a dent in the family car and how driven I felt to keep asking why and how in an angry tone.

So when you do something like the things I listed in the first paragraph that could have been avoided, be ready to provide a MAKEUP to them. Providing a makeup means offering something to your child that you will do as a way of making up for the mistake you made. You would say, "Wow sweetheart, I am so sorry that I forgot about taking you to the mall as I had promised. I owe you a makeup."

The next step is to offer something as that makeup and here is an important ground rule: it should not include buying them an object. The ideal makeups should be about spending time together without technology or money. They should be walks in the park, dates, playing table games, or crafting. Make believe tea parties would be great for little children and "hanging out" together to play catch in the backyard  would be appropriate for a teenager.

It is extremely important that the adult who made the mistake must be the one to determine the makeup, not the victim. And not only does this work well with kids, it also applies to handling mistakes with significant others as well!


Bill Corbett has a degree in clinical psychology and has been chosen to deliver the keynote address at a large education conference in Holland this Fall.  He is happily married with three grown children, three grandchildren, and three step children, and resides in Enfield, CT.  You can visit his Web site www.CooperativeKids.com for further information and parenting advice.

Seven Valentine’s Day Ideas to Do for Your Child, Any Time of the Year

Forget the expensive chocolates and sugar candies for your child this Valentine’s Day. Use the reason for the season and demonstrate love for your child without spending much money. Here are seven ideas of things you can do in the days leading up to that special day.


Hide Love Notes or Surprises – Toddlers to teens love to be surprised. Hide a small valentine, an encouraging note, or a small valentine chocolate somewhere for them to find each day leading up to Valentine’s Day. Get creative and mix it up.  You could also leave a note each day in one place that contains clues to helping them find what you’ve hidden.

Plan a Party – Help your child plan a V-Day party with all of their friends. For one activity at the party, provide a personalized mailbox (or bag) for each child. On blank slips of paper, have each child write down words that describe what they like about each of the other kids, one child per slip of paper. They will deposit them in each other’s mailboxes.

Schedule a Date – Schedule a special Valentine date with each of your children. Put it on your calendar and tell your child so they will have something to look forward to. Scheduling in these dates ahead of time ensures they will happen. Then everything else that is less important can fill in around them. Why not schedule a date with your significant other as well?  Do this every Sunday night for the week to come.

Frame a Picture of the Two of You – Take a picture of you and your child, frame it, and then give it to your child to put in his or her room on the dresser or night table.  If you have more than one child, create one for each of them.  For an older child, put a picture of the two of you in a locket that the child can wear.  This will also help calm a child who feels anxious when being away from the parent.

Have a Special Movie Night – Have a movie night with your child(ren), complete with big pillows to snuggle up with and a big bowl of popcorn. The one difference in making this night special is that the movie being featured will be the home movies you have of your child(ren)!

Make Mailboxes – In a family meeting have everyone make and decorate a mailbox using any household craft items.  On slips of paper, have everyone write short love notes to everyone at the table as a practice run and then insert them in the appropriate mailboxes.  Have everyone hang their mailboxes on their bedroom door knobs for accepting mail whenever someone desires to write a note.

Compose a Poem for Your Child – Compose a poem about your child or describing how much you love her. Print if off on special preprinted paper with a border that can be purchased at office supply stores. Frame it and hang it on your child’s bedroom wall. You could even include the child’s picture or her foot or handprints if you had them done earlier. Sign it and read it to her nightly.

Bill Corbett has a degree in clinical psychology and is the author of the award winning book “Love, Limits, & Lessons: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Cooperative Kids,” in English and in Spanish.  He is happily married with three grown children, three grandchildren, and three step children and resides in Enfield, CT.  You can visit his Web site www.CooperativeKids.com for further information and parenting advice.

Here's a Unique Gift to Give to Yourself This Holiday Season

Christmas is upon us and many of us are thinking about the gifts we want to give to others. But before you hit the shopping mall, think about taking care of yourself first. Remember those instructions from the flight attendant about putting your own oxygen mask on before you assist someone in your care? So what sort of gift could you give to yourself? I have one to offer up and when you receive it from yourself, it can have devastating positive lasting results.  I’m talking about emotional health here!

One night, my wife and I were leaving a holiday social event. We couldn't help but share with each other on the drive home, the lingering feelings we had after listening to a few other couples, bicker with each other and complaining to the rest of us. None of them had anything encouraging to say and the experience made us want to leave. That’s the night several years ago that we decided together on two very important gifts for each other going forward.

I'm A Teacher, What's Your Super Power? Teacher 12 oz Coffee Mug Great Gift

Our first important decision was to surround ourselves only with encouraging and supportive people. Over the next few days we began ‘cleaning house’ by listing all the adults in our lives who we felt were toxic. These are the people who complained and berated others, bickered with each other in front of others, and the ‘doubting Thomas’ who usually tell you every reason why your new idea won’t work.

The second thing we did was to promise each other to always speak respectfully and kind to each other, not only in front of the kids, but out in public as well. This was especially important if the other was absent. We promised never to air any issues we have with each other in public and to address them in private. This included not making each other the butt of a joke or busting on each other in humiliating or embarrassing ways.



To cultivate a relationship and life as good parents (and teachers), it’s critical to remain

positive, encouraging and to always focus on gratitude for all of the gifts that appear in our lives each day. Steer clear of the ‘crabs’ that will always try and pull you down to join them in their misery or misfortune, and to pass this all on to our kids. So here are some additional guidelines we came up with for ourselves.

1. Surround ourselves with positive and encouraging people. This was a difficult task to perform, limiting who we would invite to social events. Unfortunately, it meant eliminating some family members!

2. Add statements of gratitude to our blessings before family meals. Take notice of all the little things that others did for us and recognize the gifts that appeared in our day that helped us in some way.

3. Send out hand-written thank you notes (not emails) each week to anyone who helped us solve a challenge or provided service to us in some capacity.
As adults raising (and teaching) children, we owe it to them to understand the difference between encouragement and discouragement and how to manifest what they need to develop their own resiliency.

Bill Corbett has a degree in clinical psychology and is the author of the award winning book “Love, Limits, & Lessons: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Cooperative Kids,” in English and in Spanish.  He is happily married with three grown children, two grandchildren, three step children, and lives in Enfield.  You can visit his Web site www.CooperativeKids.com for further information and parenting advice.

Creating Your Parenting Team

When a parent comes to me for help with their kids and tells me about their challenges, my first step is to ask questions about this family’s situation. The information they share with me usually sheds some light on circumstances that may be contributing toward, or causing at least some of the challenges this parent is currently experiencing.

Some of those circumstances include the current condition of the relationship of the parents of the children; fighting, arguing, separation, divorce, etc. These situations factor in because children are affected directly by the adult emotional chaos that may be happening in the home or around the kids. Here are some suggestions for parenting more as a team, regardless of any issues that have come between the adults.

Affordable, Online Technology Education. Learn Web Design, Coding & More. No Contracts, No Risk & a 30-Day Money Back Guarantee at TeamTreehouse.com

Agree together on how various situations will be handled with the children, and implement them with conviction. You won’t have answers to all situations but you can begin discussing with each other how you will both handle common ones to start. When new situations arise unexpectedly, discuss them in private away from the kids and then announce them jointly.

If you’re just getting ready to start a family, it’s never too early to discuss parenting issues. Make time to discuss your values and beliefs in parenting and children rearing with your significant other, and share your experiences on how you were parented as a child. Take a parenting class to learn together and seek recommendations on good parenting books from family and friends.

I'm A Teacher, What's Your Super Power? Teacher 12 oz Coffee Mug Great Gift

Always speak respectfully of other caregivers who share with you, the responsibility for caring for your children. This includes your spouse, the other parent, grandparents and other relatives. Doing so models integrity for the kids to learn from. Even though the other caregiver may have done something to hurt you or others, as long as they are sharing in the caregiving, your child(ren) may still see them as a hero and an adult to look up to.

It’s not always possible to hide arguments from the kids and some experts suggest that you don’t. It’s definitely OK for your kids to know that you both don’t always agree, but refrain from mistreating the other adult verbally or physically. It’s important to know that your children will learn how to develop their own relationships with others, based on the model you present. If the argument begins to escalate, take it to another room for privacy. It’s also important that your children see the “makeup” after the argument subsides.

And what if you’re a single parent? Create a support network made up of adults you trust with your children who can help give you the breaks you need to “recharge your batteries.” For single moms, engage trustworthy male relatives to spend time with your son(s) and for single dads, engage female relatives you trust to spend time with your daughters. And it’s great when your boyfriend and/or girlfriend bonds with your children, but they should not administer discipline. That’s reserved for you, the parent.

Bill Corbett has a degree in clinical psychology and is the author of the award winning book “Love, Limits, & Lessons: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Cooperative Kids,” in English and in Spanish.  He is happily married with three grown children, two grandchildren, three step children, and lives in Enfield.  You can visit his Web site www.CooperativeKids.com for further information and parenting advice.

The Secret to Getting Kids to Cooperate at Home or in the Classroom

In a parent’s or teacher’s stressful and busy day, gaining a child’s cooperation helps to make moments so much easier. Acquiring that cooperation can be a bit tricky and is best done well in advance. The amazing thing about acquiring a child’s cooperation in advance is that what is needed in advance really has nothing to do with the actual act of cooperation.  Instead, gaining a child’s cooperation in advance is so much simpler than many adults realize. If you’re having trouble following me, here is a video I created to visualize what I’m talking about. Please watch the video and post a reply to this post or the video itself with your thoughts. Perhaps you too will obtain pleasurable moments of cooperation with a child in your care, once you implement what you are about to learn.

Want to learn how to create these powerful videos?  CLICK HERE to test drive the software that does it all.

Bill Corbett is the author of the award-winning parenting book series, LOVE, LIMITS, & LESSONS: A PARENT'S GUIDE TO RAISING COOPERATIVE KIDS (in English and in Spanish) and the executive producer and host of the public access television show CREATING COOPERATIVE KIDS. With a degree in clinical psychology, Bill provides parent coaching and keynote presentations to parent and professional audiences across the country. He sits on the board of the Network Against Domestic Abuse and the Resource Advisory Committee for Attachment Parenting International.  Bill's practical experience comes as a father of 3 grown children, a grandfather of two, and a stepdad to three.

Stickers, Stamps, and Stoplights...Oh MY!

Let's see a show of hands...

How many of you have ever tried some sort of behavior management system such as a stoplight, alerts, or writing names on the board in a last ditch effort to make kids behave?

I have to admit, for many years I used systems that included a stoplight, stickers, stamps, time out and a treasure box. 

Honestly, I thought I was doing the right thing.  I really didn't know any differently! 

That is, until one day when I was at our state early childhood conference with a coworker.  She wanted to attend a workshop titled:  "How to Handle all the Fussing, Fighting, Fits, and Tantrums."  Honestly, I didn't want to go.  I figured it was going to be "just another behavior workshop" telling me what I already knew.  At the time I truly believed I had this behavior thing all under control!

Since I didn't want to walk around the conference all by myself, I attended the workshop with my friend, and to my pleasant surprise what I discovered that day would change my life over the next few years!  That workshop was about Conscious Discipline and once I got a little nibble, I wanted the WHOLE BITE!

I came to discover over the next few years that the systems of stickers, stamps, and stoplights I was using were actually interfering with my relationship with my students as well as their optimal development.  In my attempt to control their behavior and I wasn't teaching them a great amount of self-control.

Conscious Discipline has given me tons of new tools that help me connect with students rather than attempting to control them.  I want to share one of the first rituals I started using in my classroom that made a tremendous difference in the sense of unity that we felt.  My hope is that you have time to prepare some rituals this summer so you can begin the next school year building connections with your students rather than planning how you'll control them!  It sure is easier on the pocketbook too! 

You can get started with your Wish Well Ritual with one easy visit to the Dollar Store.  All you need is a pizza pan, clear contact paper or packing tape, a red heart, magnetic tape, and photos of your students (or some other icon to represent all your students and classroom staff). 

It looks something like this...

 

 

Put all the pictures around the edge of the pizza pan with the heart in the middle.  We call this our "circle of friends."

 

This isn't your typical attendance routine!  It will transform your classroom!  Each day, at the beginning of the day, have one of the children count to see if everyone is present. 

 

If anyone is missing from your "circle of friends" they move that picture to the center of the heart and lead the class in singing this song.  "We wish you well, we wish you well.  All through the day today, we wish you well."  We send them heart felt warm wishes as well as prayers for safety and healing while they are away from our school family.

 

To make this more concrete for the younger children I use this little doll with a photo of the absent child in the plastic sleeve on the front.  We pass the doll around and give it a hug while we sing the song!

 

 

 

When the absent child returns to school the following day, we have another special ritual we do for them.  We call it our Absent Child Ritual.  To welcome them back to our "circle of friends" we recite this little chant and give them a butterfly kiss like this...

 

 



With the younger children we use a shiny little heart-shaped box filled with kisses to welcome the absent child back to class.  While the child is gone we pass the box around and "fill it with kisses" for our friend.  Upon their return, we "shower them with kisses" by shaking all the love out of the box  onto their head.  :)

 

This was only the beginning of our journey from a climate of control and competition to a climate of caring, connection, and love!  Connection leads to impulse control, willingness, and cooperation.

 

Suddenly, parents started telling me that instead of coming home and reporting who had to move their clip, sit in timeout, or miss recess, their children were sharing about who was missing from class that day.  They would include them in their bedtime prayers and really began caring for their classmates in a new way. 

 

I used stickers, stamps, and stoplights because I didn't know any other way.  That's what I was taught to do in college and it was what everyone around me was doing.  I didn't realize that these fear-based methods actually created more stress and inhibited learning and connection.  Now that I know better, I choose to do better.  Will you join me? 

 

Perhaps you could watch some of Dr. Bailey's videos on Youtube this summer, read one of her books, or check out Shubert's Classroom for more ideas about how to get started with Conscious Discipline or continue growing in your journey!  As always, I wish you well!

 

Jenny Spencer

Conscious Discipline Certified Instructor

Ignite Learning with Conscious Discipline LLC

www.ignitelearningllc.blogspot.com

Peaceful Parent, Peaceful Child

Two pianos were sitting next to each other in a room.  A person sitting at one piano pressed one key, causing a tone to fill the air.   Instantly, the string responsible for creating the same tone on the OTHER piano began to vibrate.  This isn’t the start of a joke, but an experiment that has been tested by physics experts.  The tone created by the first piano is a wave of vibrations that are absorbed by the strings on the other piano.  The one string on that other piano capable of producing the same tone that filled the air, responds by amplifying its own vibration.

People behave in a similar manner as pianos.  When one person enters a room expressing emotion, it is quite likely that one or more other persons in that room are likely to instantly take on that emotion.  Has this ever happened to you; your significant other or child began to express an intensified level of joy, excitement, worry, fear or anger, and before you realized it, you too were feeling a similar sense of that same emotion?

We are emotional creatures and we are each capable of

taking on the emotion of someone we care about.  A close friend stops by with sad news and instantly we feel sad.  Our child arrives home announcing ecstatically that she’s won an award and we too are now feeling great joy.  Our significant other wakes up in a bad mood and we seem to absorb those vibrations, suddenly becoming moody ourselves.

The parents I work with complain to me about their children; the kids won’t cooperate, they scream “NO” at their parents, they talk back, they have frequent meltdowns, and they won’t help out, just to name a few of the common challenges.  Some of the common causes of these types of frustrating behaviors are created by the parents, and include: a lack of consistency in rules, little or no boundaries, talking too much, too many outside activities for the kids to keep up with, too much ‘screen time,’ and not enough parent/child connection time.

But one of the biggest causes is a lack of peace and calmness in the adults who care for the children.  Like the pianos, parents who have not been taking good care of themselves transmit negative frequencies to their families and then wonder why they aren’t getting the level of cooperation and peacefulness they desire.  If you want peaceful children, you must first become a peaceful parent.

When I prescribe this solution to some parents however, I’m quickly met with resistance.  I hear comments such as, “When I can afford a nanny or a housekeeper, then I can become more calm and peaceful.”  I remember the challenge myself; employed full-time, working hard to maintain a peaceful home, and raising three young children who liked to fight and challenge me every step of the way.

I realized that it was my responsibility to do whatever it took to learn how to calm myself and to take better care of me.  I quickly discovered that during weeks when I made time to take care of myself physically, spiritually, socially, and emotionally, it became easier for me to know how to handle situations at home and my children became easier to care for.  So what will YOU do this week to take better care of you?  Start by giving yourself permission to MAKE the time and follow through.

Bill Corbett has a degree in clinical psychology and is the author of the award winning book “Love, Limits, & Lessons: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Cooperative Kids,” in English and in Spanish.  He is happily married with three grown children, two grandchildren, and three step children.  You can visit his Web site www.CooperativeKids.com for further information and parenting advice.

Four Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Discipline

Courtesy of photographer David Castillo
Dominici and Free Digital Photos dot net

In my work with parents and teachers on solving behavior challenges with children, I help them identify the problem, possible causes of the behavior, and then possible solutions for eliminating it. My goal is to send the adults away with a few simple step-by-step techniques they can implement immediately to bring about quick change at home or in the classroom. Here are four key questions to ask yourself to help you identify a current behavior issue and some common sense solutions to solve them.

QUESTION # 1: Why can’t the behavior occur? 

Adults react unnecessarily when children behave in ways that annoy or embarrass the adult, or add more chaos to their already stressed state of mind. Adults also react in this manner in response to feelings of fear that the child may fall down or get hurt in some fashion. Stop before you react unnecessarily and ask yourself, “What is the worst that could happen if I don’t react?,” or “Why can’t my child do what she’s doing at the moment?” Let go of the urge to control everything and everybody. Avoid arranging the outcomes of everyone’s behavior.

QUESTION # 2: How would the child know not to behave this way? 

Children see the world from a different perspective than adults, and adults unfairly assume or expect children to see it from theirs. Carefully examine the models that your children have around them to learn from and be sure to set good examples that teach what you want them to learn. Encouraging a child to read frequently, for example, works best when they see the adult reading, too. Create agreements ahead of time and set up rules before activities begin, not in the middle of them. Yes, this will require you as a caregiver to think ahead and predict behavior situations that could be challenging.

QUESTION # 3: What unmet needs might the child be demonstrating? 

In many instances, both children and adults demonstrate surprising behaviors as a way of getting unmet needs satisfied. The little boy constantly drawing may be exhibiting his need to draw and create. Creating appropriate opportunities for him to draw and color may be all that is necessary to eliminate the problem. Giving a bossy child the opportunity to lead family activities may satisfy his need to be in charge. And relaxing over a tween's or teen’s experiments with her appearance that doesn’t endanger her, could satisfy her need to explore her own identity in a healthy way. Have you ever behaved in curious ways to satisfy any unmet needs of your own?

QUESTION # 4: Is there a purpose to this behavior for the child? 

Both children and adults find ways to act out to create more purpose in their life. A little boy picking fights with his brother discovered that it brought his busy grandmother into the room in hopes of her taking his side. The little girl who had once again become a baby was most likely responding to the jealousy she may have felt of having to share her parents with her new sibling. And my own son found a new way to annoy others by experimenting with sounds he could make with his voice.

Before you get angry, step back for one moment, take a deep breath, and ask yourself these four questions. Perhaps the answers they offer may allow you to see the behavior differently and provide you with an opportunity to choose an alternate response that will get you more effective results.  Behavior is usually a result of what has been learned through imitation or getting unmet needs or purpose satisfied. Avoid the urge to react and think of ways you can be proactive instead, to avoid or eliminate challenging behaviors.

ONE SONG + ONE BALL = FUN AND LEARNING!

Introducing the Great Big Ball to the class.

     Hi from Miss Carole at Macaroni Soup:  Active Music for Kids!  In 24 years of teaching Music and Movement, I have yet to find a child who doesn’t like balls!  One of my son’s first 10 words was “BALL!”  after Mama, of course!  His eyes would light up and his hands would reach for any ball in sight!  

So what could be better than a

 “GREAT BIG BALL”?

     To start you need a very large ball.  I have used medicine balls, but prefer an inflated beach ball because it weighs less, can be transparent and is familiar to children.  Google “giant beach ball” and you’ll find lots of options for 42”-48” balls ranging from $5.95 – 23.95.  The one you see in these pictures is a 48” ball that was about $12.  (Even Amazon.com has them!) Also, it’s the end of the season, so check out your local stores for clearances on Summer beach toys.

    Learn the song – the lyrics are VERY simple!  I don’t have an author credit for this song- I don’t know who wrote it or even where I heard it about 15 years ago!  But it stuck in my head – and it will in yours!  If you know who wrote it – please contact me!

Chorus:

Who’s gonna get that great big ball as it rolls around the room?

Who’s gonna get that great big ball as it rolls around the room?

Who’s gonna get that great big ball as it rolls around the room?

We’re gonna find out soon!                                                                          

Passing practice - before singing!

Verse:

Jessie’s got that great big ball                         

Rolling from her head to her toes

Rolling from her head to her toes

Rolling from her head to her toes

Jessie’s got that great big ball

Rolling from her head to her toes

But look out, Jessie – here it goes!

Once passing is going well, start singing!

    What to do:  Introduce the ball to your children once they are sitting in a circle on the floor.  Stand in the middle of the circle to keep the ball moving as the children pass it all the way around the circle once.  Tell them that when you stop singing, whoever the ball is in front of lays down and you will roll the ball up and down their body, from head to toes!  BEGIN!

    Believe it or not, I did this last week with my classes of 4 year olds at the first music class – and they LOVED IT!  If you have some shy violets, they can sit in someone’s lap, and you control where the ball stops – don’t stop at someone who looks the least bit fearful.

    Helpful Hints:

• Get a battery-powered or electric pump – it makes for easy inflation/deflation.
• Remember – passing is a learned skill, not something children innately know how to do.  Take a moment to teach passing.  It will make this activity run smoothly.
• Sometimes a child holds onto the ball – that’s why you’re in the middle – to keep it going!
• If there are more than 10 children, have them lay down 2 at a time – “Joe and James have got that great big ball…” or “2 girls have got that great big ball…

2 boys have got that great big ball...

...rolling from their head to their toes!

  

What is learned?  Cooperation can be fun!  Especially at the beginning of the school year, learning to “share” by passing is an easy thing when done to music!  We’re also saying the names of the children – another chance for classmates to identify each other.  We also create shared experience, or community.  Look at the boy’s face in the left picture above as he shares the excitement with a friend – priceless!

   

   As you see in this last picture, I have EVERYONE lay down and I pass the ball over all of them.  Each child does not get a chance to be singled out with a verse each time we do this song, so this final “EVERYONE LAY DOWN” verse solves the “…but I didn’t get a turn” whine!

    One of the funniest things is how the ball bumps along their tummies - because they're laughing!

   

To hear the song, click here.  It is also available on my newest cd,

“SEASON SINGS!”, which includes 30 great songs like this one!  To purchase it, go to the Recordings page on my website.    

Yours for a Song – and a Great Big Ball!

“Miss Carole” Stephens

Macaroni Soup! Active Music for Kids!  

Handling Aggressive Behavior in Young Children

First Comfort the Victim.  The next time you witness younger children fighting or hurting one another, your first response should be to comfort the victim without pity or drama.  If possible, you should also include the aggressive child in comforting of the victim.  Ask him to retrieve a cloth, a blanket, or even a drink of water if it's appropriate.  Be sure to use a quiet, calm and respectful tone as you take control.  Your immediate feelings may involve anger or frustration toward the aggressive child, but maintain control and stay calm.  Once the drama has cooled and the victim is cared for, take the aggressive child aside and remind him calmly and respectfully about boundaries and acceptable behavior.  This more peaceful response to the situation will provide an outstanding model and learning tool for both children.  

What is Bullying?  Bullying is any form of physical, emotional, or verbal mistreatment in which one holds an unequal power over another, purposely and repeatedly with the intent to hurt or humiliate.  A bully can be one tough kid harassing someone who is different in some way.  A bully’s behavior can be as simple as name-calling or as serious as confrontation resulting in injury.  No child is ever exempt from being picked on by a bully at some point in his life, and neither are adults.  In a recent study released by the American Medical Association, it was estimated that 3.2 million children are victims of bullying each year.  Being able to defend oneself when attacked by a bully requires both courage and skill – traits you can begin instilling in your child at any age.  

Teach Them How Not To Be A Target.  A bully’s common target is someone who demonstrates a lack of confidence and exhibits characteristics of weakness or insecurity.  Teach your children to stand tall, use a full voice, look the other child directly in the eyes, and exhibit confidence when stating what they want.  If your child does this, it will help to reduce the risk of being targeted by an aggressive child.  You can teach this to your child by modeling it yourself.  The most effective way of teaching children a new behavior is to role-play with them.  Allow them to see what the behavior looks like by modeling it for them, then allowing them to practice.  A child who stands, acts with and speaks with confidence is less likely to become a target of a bully.

Teach your children.  Teach them that they have the power to stop anyone from touching them, hurting them, or taking their things.  One of the most effective actions you can teach your child is described in many self-defense and confidence courses.  Stand tall and erect, and distribute weight evenly on both feet.  Hold your head high, extend their hand straight out in front of them with their flat palm toward the other child, saying “STOP!” in a loud and strong voice.  A bully halted in his or her tracks by a child drawing a clear, personal, physical or emotional boundary is more likely to walk away, often even respecting a child who had represented a potential victim.

Bill Corbett is the author of the award-winning parenting book series, LOVE, LIMITS, & LESSONS: A PARENT'S GUIDE TO RAISING COOPERATIVE KIDS (in English and in Spanish) and the executive producer and host of the public access television show CREATING COOPERATIVE KIDS. As a member of the American Psychological Association and the North American Society for Adlerian Psychology, Bill provides parent coaching and keynote presentations to parent and professional audiences across the country. He sits on the board of the Network Against Domestic Abuse and the Resource Advisory Committee for Attachment Parenting International, and holds several degrees in clinical psychology. Bill's practical experience comes as a father of 3 grown children, a grandfather of two, and a stepdad to three.  You can learn more about his work at http://www.CooperativeKids.com and http://www.BillCorbett.com.

Treat Me Like I'm Someone You Love

I was shopping at the local “big box” store in town recently.  As I was walking out into the parking lot, I noticed a mother walking in front of me with a preschooler-aged little boy and a little girl of probably 8 or 9.  The mother was yelling at the little girl to “Get back here… NOW!”  The little girl seemed mad about something and she was walking a few feet ahead of the woman.

When the mother yelled (and quite loud I must say), the girl would immediately stop in her tracks, arms folded, face down and with a huge frown.  As the mother caught up to the girl, she yelled at her with a phrase something like “If you walk ahead of me one more time, you’re gonna get it when we get home!”  But as soon as the mother was almost within an arm’s reach to her, the little girl would quickly walk ahead.”

This went on for the entire walk out into the parking lot.  With the constant threats and the woman’s growing anger, I feared the mother might hit her daughter (assuming she was her daughter).  Customers passing us by, quickly looked the other way .  She had a very big build and sounded and looked tired and angry.  I was afraid she was going to have had enough with the girl.

I’ve witnessed this incident many times in the past and I think because I am a parent educator, I feel very sensitive to the situation.  I can feel the mother’s pain of being tired, stressed and angry, and not in need of anyone adding to what she already feels.  And I can feel for the little girl who may be acting this way because she is mad about something that occurred between her and her mother earlier.  It seems like a no-win situation that could quickly get out of hand if the mother is not able to control her anger. 

My friend and pediatrician Susan Markel, MD asks parents to avoid losing control at all costs.  Chapter 8 in her book What Your Pediatrician Doesn’t Know Can Hurt Your Child (BenBella Books;2010) is titled Treat Me Like I’m Someone You Love.  In it she warns parents that taking your anger or frustration out on your child is likely to lead them to feeling like there is something wrong with them.

If you ever find yourself in this situation with your children, remain calm, stop talking and give up the urge to control the outcome.  Take several deep breaths and get yourself and your children home quickly.  Take a break as soon as you can and know that you are human and need breaks from the kids now and again.  I love that Dr. Markel also says “Behavior is not taught to children by talking about it.  Rather, correct behavior is demonstrated, observed and experienced… children learn to be nice by having someone be nice to them.”

Bill Corbett is the author of the award-winning parenting book series, LOVE, LIMITS, & LESSONS: A PARENT'S GUIDE TO RAISING COOPERATIVE KIDS (in English and in Spanish) and the executive producer and host of the public access television show CREATING COOPERATIVE KIDS. As a member of the American Psychological Association and the North American Society for Adlerian Psychology, Bill provides parent coaching and keynote presentations to parent and professional audiences across the country. He sits on the board of the Network Against Domestic Abuse and the Resource Advisory Committee for Attachment Parenting International, and holds several degrees in clinical psychology. Bill's practical experience comes as a father of 3 grown children, a grandfather of two, and a stepdad to three.  You can learn more about his work at http://www.CooperativeKids.com and http://www.BillCorbett.com.

SUMMER SONGS THAT SING AND MOVE!

It’s Summer, and children can keep moving indoors, outdoors and in-between!  Miss Carole from Macaroni Soup here, and I’m gonna keep it short and sweet this month.  Here are three songs that work well in all environments to keep children 2-6 stretching their bodies, using their voices, making social connections, listening and growing. 

    Aw heck – let’s get singing!

Here we go 'round the Mulberry Bush!

MULBERRY BUSH   This traditional singing game is great for Toddlers through Pre-K students.  Done as a circle game you can add in or substitute whatever activities are appropriate for the children with whom you sing.

     Start out making a circle – we hold hands, but you can also walk in a circle without hand-holding.  As you sing the chorus, walk to the right.

CHORUS:    

Here we go ‘round the mulberry bush

The mulberry bush, the mulberry bush

Here we go ‘round the mulberry bush

So early in the morning!

Stop walking.  Do an activity:  put on our clothes, brush our teeth, walk outside or:

Verse:   This is the way we wash our hands

                 Wash our hands, wash our hands

                 This is the way we wash our hands

                 So early in the morning!

                         

Brush our teeth!

The Mulberry Bush is a very simple song that gets everyone moving, singing and co-operating!   If you don’t know the tune, go to my July 2009 Song of the Month page at my website and hear it there, or find all today’s songs on my cd: “Dancing Feet!”

ONE FINGER, ONE THUMB

   I just love add-on songs – and this one tickles childrens’ funny bones!  Grow the list of additional movements as long as you’d like – and can remember!  With pre-k I usually stop at 5 different movements, K’s can go to 6 or more!

          One finger, one thumb keep moving      

          Keep moving, keep moving

          One finger, one thumb keep moving

          And chase the flies away!

Open and close the finger and thumb on each hand, pincer style, then sweep hands from side to side in front of body to “chase the flies away!”   Repeat song, adding:

          One finger, one thumb, your feet keep moving      

          Keep moving, keep moving

          One finger, one thumb, your feet keep moving

          And chase the flies away!

Chase the flies away - with style!

Now we’re moving!  I love to get to “One finger, one thumb, your feet, your arms, your head, get down/stand up keep moving” – but take suggestions from the students!  They may add their bottoms, elbows, knees, eyes, shoulders – whatever they can move!

     I love this old song – yup, it’s on “DancingFeet”, too, and it was a “Song of the Month” on my website in September 2009.

SKIP TO MY LOU

    You might already know the tune – it’s been sung for almost 100 years!  Here’s my version for 4 – 7 year olds.  It’s a combination dance: circle (for skipping) and partner (clapping and 2-hand swing.)

    Start out skipping in as big a circle as space allows – it’s great outdoors!

Part One:    Skip, skip, skip to my lou

                   Skip, skip, skip to my lou

                   Skip, skip, skip to my lou

                   Skip, skip, skip to my lou,                                    my darlin’!

Stop skipping, tap knees, clap hands, put hands out to sides, palms up, questioningly, for each line:

Part Two: Lost my partner, what’ll I do?                  (4 times, my darlin’!)

Put hand to forehead in “looking” gesture, walk around to find a partner by the end of the verse.

Part Three:   I’ll find another one, how about you? (4 times, my darlin’)

 

Join hands with partner, 2-hand swing!

Part Four:  Circle with your partner, skip to my lou! 

                  (4 times, my darlin’)

Repeat all four parts in sequence at least one more time – we usually do the whole sequence three times!  In just one activity, you get listening skills, social interaction, gross-motor skills, pattern, sequence, singing and FUN!

    Walk this one through several times before you present it to your kids – know the sequence.  I guarantee you’ll be winded at the end of this one!

That’s all, folks!  Enjoy the summer – hope to see you in a workshop, Family Concert or class this Fall!

Yours For a Song AND Dance!

"Miss Carole" Stephens

MacaroniSoup! Active Music for Kids!