How To Make It Up To Your Child When You Make A Mistake

If you haven't snapped at your child, forgotten something you were suppose to do for them, arrived late for a recital or game, dropped the ball on a promise, or made a parenting decision you regretted, then you aren't human. We parents are often stressed, busy, over worked, forgetful and tired and we make mistakes.

I remember too well saying something like, "I know I said I'd take you _____________, but I'm really busy and have to get _____________ done before dinner tonight." And then there are the painful incidents in which I snapped or yelled when caught off guard or noticed something written on with crayon or broken, and automatically thinking about how much that item cost or what I'm going to have to spend to fix, clean or replace an item.

Austrian neurologist and the father of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, taught us that we have automatic systems in place that defend our ego from being hurt by guilt and fear. When we parents get angry toward our children, it's a way of protecting our ego from feeling guilty that we mismanaged our schedule and didn't show up on time, or that we forgot something that was important to our children. It's also occurs when we think about having to pay out money that was not in the budget and we're already over extended financially.

When we find ourselves in this situation, we must calm down and breath. A few deep breaths will help us manage our emotions and see the situation for what it really is; not quite as serious as we had ourselves believing. If we're able to, it works remarkably well to see the situation from our child or teen's perspective. I remember my teenage son coming how with a dent in the family car and how driven I felt to keep asking why and how in an angry tone.

So when you do something like the things I listed in the first paragraph that could have been avoided, be ready to provide a MAKEUP to them. Providing a makeup means offering something to your child that you will do as a way of making up for the mistake you made. You would say, "Wow sweetheart, I am so sorry that I forgot about taking you to the mall as I had promised. I owe you a makeup."

The next step is to offer something as that makeup and here is an important ground rule: it should not include buying them an object. The ideal makeups should be about spending time together without technology or money. They should be walks in the park, dates, playing table games, or crafting. Make believe tea parties would be great for little children and "hanging out" together to play catch in the backyard  would be appropriate for a teenager.

It is extremely important that the adult who made the mistake must be the one to determine the makeup, not the victim. And not only does this work well with kids, it also applies to handling mistakes with significant others as well!


Bill Corbett has a degree in clinical psychology and has been chosen to deliver the keynote address at a large education conference in Holland this Fall.  He is happily married with three grown children, three grandchildren, and three step children, and resides in Enfield, CT.  You can visit his Web site www.CooperativeKids.com for further information and parenting advice.

The Wonderful World of WORDS!

When you were younger, did you ever cut out letters or words from magazines to "write" a note to a friend? I used to do it all the time! It was one of my favorite things to do! 


These kind of notes were the BEST! 
  

Which brings me to my next question:

 Have you ever read the book Max's Words by Kate Banks?? If not you MUST!!  There are endless options for extension activities for ANY GRADE! Below, I will share one that I did with my kindergarteners! 

In the story, Max's brothers collect stamps and coins. Max wants a collection of his own, so he decides to start collecting words. He notices that when his brothers rearrange their collections, they still are the same, but when he rearranges his words, it makes can make a big difference. Max then starts to build a story with his words. 

I have always wanted to do an extension activity with this book but just never took the time until this year! One of the teachers on my team and I decided to have our kiddos build their own story using words! Below, I will share with you a snapshot of our FIVE DAY lesson plans for Max's Words. This plan can be done with a whole class or in smaller groups. It works better with a smaller group (one of our groups had 13 and the other group had 17 students).

Day One: 
(Before day one, make sure you have cut out a collection of your own words from magazines, newspapers or other media and have them in a bag/folder ready to share on day one)
Pre-Reading:
Discussion what a collection is.
Does anyone have a collection? I so, what do they collect?
Why is the collection important to them?

Read: Max's Words

Post-Reading:
What problem did Max have in the story?
What did Max collect? Why?
How was his collection different from his brothers' collections?
Share your collection of words with the class. (I kept my collection of words in the pocket chart for students to manipulate and build sentences/stories during their choice/center time)  
 
 Day Two:  Build a Story
Remind students that stories have

• a beginning, middle and end.
•  characters
• setting

Have students come up with a topic to write about giving them the starter: Once upon a time...
Each student will come up with a sentence to help tell the story. Remind them that the story needs to flow...what happened first, then, next...
As each student adds to the story, write their sentence down. (you type it, write it on a sentence strip, or on chart paper)
Read the class story to students.

Day Three: 
Re-read class made story
Give students their sentence and have them write it and illustrate it using pencil (remind students to use detail in their illustrations). 
Teacher will send home a note and a baggie with each student explaining the activity and that students will need to cut out the words for their sentence.


Day Four:
Re-read class story
Students edit their writing and/or illustrations 
Make final copies and color their pictures.
Glue their cut up words on the top of their page.  
(Prep for Day 5: Design a cover, assemble pages in the correct order and make a copy of the book for each student)


Day Five: Share Day!!!!!
Students practice reading their book
Share with friends in other groups!
(since one of the teachers on my team and I both did this activity, we were able to combine our groups and share our stories in groups of 2 or 3 students.) 

And there you have it! This is just ONE of many extension activities that can be done with this book but it is one that we had LOADS of fun with!  Below are some pictures! 

 

 

If you would like a template for the writing page and the family letters click HERE!

Friendship In Action With Music!

   Miss Carole of Macaroni Soup here in chilly Chicago! After finally coming back from Winter Break and Weather Interuptus Days, I love introducing songs that promote friendship.  In February we get all lovey-dovey for Valentine’s Day – but what does that mean to a young child?  I go for the angle of being kind to our friends, caring to our families, and sharing the joy of music-making and dance.

   This month I’ll introduce you to three of my favorite songs and dances that promote sharing, caring and fun through music and movement.  
                        Here we go!

1. Who Will Be My Friend Today?

    The tune is “Here We Go ‘Round the Mulberry Bush” – hear it here.  The activity is fairly simple.  Make 2-3 hearts – they can be paper (single use) or plush or felt (multiple uses.)  My hearts are felt with a little stuffing, then hot glued around the edges.  They’ve lasted years!

THE SONG:        Who will be my friend today,

                        Friend today, friend today?

                        Who will be my friend today,

                        This bright and sunny morning?

                        You will be my friend today,

                        Friend today, friend today!

                        You will be my friend today,

                        This bright and sunny morning!

WHAT TO DO:

For Preschool:  Everyone sits together in the middle of the room (or rug, or any open space.)  The teacher gives the hearts to 2-3 children - if your group is fewer than 8 children, you may use 2 hearts, use 3 hearts for larger groups.  The children with the hearts walk around the group while everyone sings the first verse.  Then each child gives their heart to a sitting friend, taking them by the hand to walk around the circle with them as everyone sings the second verse.  The hearts are collected by the teacher, who gives them to new children.  Repeat the sequence until everyone’s had a chance to go around the circle.

For K’s:  Everyone sits together in the middle.  The teacher gives the hearts to 3 children, who walk around the group while everyone sings the first verse.  Here’s where it’s different for some groups.  If your children have become self-conscious about holding a classmate’s hand, as I occasionally find with K’s, the game becomes a hand-off – with the new carrier of the heart now going around the circle and the original carrier sitting in their place on the floor.  You may have to try it once to see how your class reacts. In this case, you would only use the first verse.

NOTE:  I ask children to only give the heart to someone who has not walked yet. “If you haven’t walked yet, raise your hand silently so that the walkers know who they can choose. Should a friend offer you a heart and you've already had a turn say 'Thank you, but I've already had a turn.'”

Jump Jim Joe!

2. Jump Jim Joe! 

    This is one of my absolute favorite partner dances!  Hear it here.  It’s a folk dance of the best tradition!  Please learn this song well enough to sing it with your students at a slow enough tempo for them to do all the dance moves.  You may never use the recorded music – I don’t!  We need the slight pauses (P) I put in at the end of each action so that everyone can do it well.

THE SONG:     
        Jump, jump, jump Jim Joe

        Nod your head (P) and shake your head (P)

        And tap your toe.

        ‘Round and ‘round and ‘round you’ll go

        Now you find another partner

        And you jump Jim Joe!

THE DANCE:    Each child faces their partner, holding hands. 

        Line 1:  They jump!

        Line 2:  Nod heads up and down - demonstrate “yes”

                    Shake head – demonstrate “no”

        Line 3: Tap toe to the side (still holding partner’s hands)

        Line 4: Two hands circle – not too fast!

        Lines 5-6: Find a new partner – someone you haven’t yet danced with!

...And tap your toe!

'Round and 'round and 'round you'll go...

  

 I do "Jump Jim Joe" with three year olds through school-aged children, and they LOVE IT!  Also great for mixed-age groups and parent participation events!

3. THE MUFFIN MAN DANCE!

Yes, I know the Muffin Man!

    This one is for the youngest among us – 3’s and younger.  Not that a 4 year old won’t enjoy it – it’s a great introductory partner dance – because it’s VERY simple!  Hear it here.

THE SONG:      
Oh do you know the Muffin Man,

The Muffin Man, the Muffin Man?

Do you know the Muffin Man

Who lives in Drury Lane?

Yes, I know the Muffin Man,

The Muffin Man, the Muffin Man!

Yes, I know the Muffin Man

Who lives in Drury Lane!

THE DANCE:  Help children choose partners – they’ll be keeping their partners in this one!  They hold “inside hands” so that they can walk together around the room (as they did with the hearts in our first song.)  For the first verse, couples walk hand-in-hand around the room.  For the second verse, they face each other and clap hands pattycake style.  Repeat! 

REMEMBER: Demonstrate the dance before inviting the children to stand and join in. Use another teacher OR a child to help show what to do (choose your partner wisely!)  
   There you go!  Get those dancing feet moving – especially when the weather prevents you from going outdoors!  It’s not just good for the kids, if you know what I mean…

Yours for a Song and Dance!

“Miss Carole” Stephens

Macaroni Soup! Active Music forActive Learners!
Facebook: Macaroni Soup with Miss Carole

Five New Years Resolutions for Teachers in 2015

RESOLUTION#1 - Refrain from using a loud voice
Children learn how to communicate by the models teachers set for them. As often as possible, when you need your children’s attention or cooperation, get to their eye level and speak in a calm and respectful tone. The more often you do this, the more likely you are to create peace and calmness in your classroom and your children will do the same.

RESOLUTION#2 – Use the word COOPERATION often

When you need your children to comply, initiate it by announcing, “I need your cooperation.”  When they follow through, thank them for cooperating with you.  When they need you do something for them, confirm their request by saying, “Oh… you need my cooperation.  I’d love to cooperate with you.”  Use that word in association with requests from other adults in the school so the kids will see it often.

Inspiration for Children Delivered Monthly by Creatorbox

RESOLUTION#3 – Let go and avoid controlling the outcome all the time

We’re constantly trying to get so much done in so little time and on schedule.  When children move too slow or don’t put a piece of clothing on correctly, it annoys us and we take over to have things according to our desire.  At least once a day, let something a child does be the way she did it.  Avoid correcting her, re-doing something, taking over for her, or arranging all the outcomes.

RESOLUTION#4 – Celebrate moments of independence

You’re getting ready to leave the classroom and you noticed that one child has buttoned her own jacket but the buttons are misaligned.  Or she put her coat on by herself but it’s inside out. For just once, avoid correcting the situation. Don’t re-button her jacket or adjust her sweater. Instead, make a big deal of what she did on her own. You can adjust things later but for the moment, celebrate her self-sufficiency.

How to Create Calmer Classrooms

RESOLUTION#5 – Stay calm when a child begins to argue

When a child becomes persistent in trying to convince us of something, we can easily get pulled into an emotional debate. Sometimes our own older children who feel they can approach us about anything and know they are being heard, consider their relationship with us stronger. Commit to not getting angry in these moments and be there 100%. If the child (or your own) has made a good case, give in once in a while if appropriate.  If you’ve had enough of the bantering, end it calmly and walk away. Know that it’s normal behavior.

Bill Corbett has a degree in clinical psychology and is the author of the award winning book “Love, Limits, & Lessons: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Cooperative Kids,” in English and in Spanish.  He is happily married with three grown children, three grandchildren, and three step children and resides in Connecticut.  You can visit his Web site www.CooperativeKids.com for further information and parenting advice.

The Secret to Getting Kids to Cooperate at Home or in the Classroom

In a parent’s or teacher’s stressful and busy day, gaining a child’s cooperation helps to make moments so much easier. Acquiring that cooperation can be a bit tricky and is best done well in advance. The amazing thing about acquiring a child’s cooperation in advance is that what is needed in advance really has nothing to do with the actual act of cooperation.  Instead, gaining a child’s cooperation in advance is so much simpler than many adults realize. If you’re having trouble following me, here is a video I created to visualize what I’m talking about. Please watch the video and post a reply to this post or the video itself with your thoughts. Perhaps you too will obtain pleasurable moments of cooperation with a child in your care, once you implement what you are about to learn.

Want to learn how to create these powerful videos?  CLICK HERE to test drive the software that does it all.

Bill Corbett is the author of the award-winning parenting book series, LOVE, LIMITS, & LESSONS: A PARENT'S GUIDE TO RAISING COOPERATIVE KIDS (in English and in Spanish) and the executive producer and host of the public access television show CREATING COOPERATIVE KIDS. With a degree in clinical psychology, Bill provides parent coaching and keynote presentations to parent and professional audiences across the country. He sits on the board of the Network Against Domestic Abuse and the Resource Advisory Committee for Attachment Parenting International.  Bill's practical experience comes as a father of 3 grown children, a grandfather of two, and a stepdad to three.

Independence Day: The Power of Free Will

 

I was working with a child recently as we were preparing to go outside to play.  He was resistant to putting on sunscreen. I had already set an assertive limit that all children must wear sunscreen for their safety.  So, I knew right away that I needed to exercise the Power of Free Will.  The Power of Free Will helps me deliver two positive choices, connect with his need for control and reach our goal of getting outside to play safely!

 

I took a deep breath and said, "You can help me put lotion on your right arm or your left arm.  Where shall we start?"  He paused and looked and me sort of stunned and then said "right!"   Then he proceeded to put out his hand for sunscreen so we could get started.   

 

This Independence Day lets focus on the Power of Free Will.  The Power of Free Will is one of the Seven Skills for Conscious Adults from Dr. Becky Bailey.  This power reminds us that the only person we can make change is ourselves. 

 

Many of us have the belief that if we come up with just the right reward or punishment we can get children to do what we want.  This belief often leads to power struggles and frustration.  It is true that we may be able to use manipulation and coercion to make children behave, but they are doing it out of fear, not by choice.  This type of behavior is driven by external forces.  What happens then when you aren't around to make them behave (or heaven forbid there is a substitute teacher)?  Isn't it our goal to help children develop the internal desire to make helpful choices and reach their goals? 

 

Dr. Bailey teaches us five steps to help us get started empowering children with the skills needed for cooperation, impulse control, and attention.     

 

Delivering two positive choices:

 

1. Breathe deeply.  Think about what you want the child to do.

2. Tell the younger child, "You have a choice!" 

    Tell the older child, "Seems to me you have a couple options."

3. State the two choices.  "You may _____ or _____.  What is your choice?"

4. Ask for the child's commitment.

5. Notice the child's choice.  "You chose _____!"

 

Let's try an example using the picture below.  This was taken in my preschool classroom.  Children love learning about the science behind popcorn!  As you can imagine it could be dangerous unless we set some clear limits for safety.  I put a large quilt on the floor and place carpet circles around the edges for each child to sit on.  If there were any issues with children staying within these limits I could use Two Positive Choices to help them.  It would go something like this...

 



If the child gets off their circle rug I would do the following:

1. Take a deep breath and remember that I want them to sit on their carpet circle.
2. Say, "You have a choice!"
3. "You may sit on your circle on your knees or on your bottom with your legs folded."
4. "How will you sit?"
5. "You chose to sit on your knees so you would be safe.  That was helpful!"

If the child is touching things I would do the following:

1. Take a deep breath and remember that I want them to keep their hands in their space on the rug.

2. Say, "You have a choice!"

3. "You may put your hands on your knees or fold them just like this."

4. "What do you choose to do with your hands?"

5. "You chose to fold your hands so you would be safe.  That was helpful!"

 

Whether you are cleaning up, getting coats on, or listening to a story giving two positive choices  helps you connect with children.  They also feel empowered to make decisions, follow the rules, and be safe at school--by choice!

 

It's difficult when you are faced with a resistant child.  Some days you just wish they would comply and do as you say.  Wouldn't it be nice if there were an easy button?!?  Adults hope to raise children who are cooperative, willing, and respectful.  We  have to accept that  it is not force that creates a respectful child, it is connection!   

 

If you have an especially resistant child that needs special help follow this link over to my blog and learn more about using choices with more resistant children. 

For more about the Seven Powers for Conscious Adults see my blog post Becoming Your Best Self:  Super Powers.  There is even a free printable poster for you to use as a reminder. 
 

 

I wish you well!

Jenny Spencer

Conscious Discipline Certified Instructor--Indiana

Ignite Learning with Conscious Discipline LLC

www.ignitelearningllc.blogspot.com

ignitelearningllc@gmail.com