Helping Preschoolers Adjust to a New Baby in the House

Hi! I'm Ayn and I am a Ga. Pre-K teacher, serving 4 and 5 year olds in an inclusive setting. I share my classroom adventures on my blog, little illuminations. 

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This is not my typical post, but as this is something that happens to children in my classroom frequently, I thought I would share some ideas about how to help preschool children transition to a new baby in the house. Parents often come to me to ask for ways to help them manage the mix of emotions the children are feeling about becoming a big brother or sister, the demands of a new baby in the house and even some of the feelings of displacement they feel. Occasionally, I am the one who sees the children acting out their frustrations at school and behaving in ways that have not been typical for them up to that point. I am not an expert, just a Pre-K teacher with lots of real world experience! Every year, I usually have a few families having babies. This year, we've had 3 new babies already and two more families are expecting. 

Having a new baby in the family is quite an adjustment for a young child. It doesn't matter if the new baby is the first sibling or the seventh. Each new baby adds a new dimension to the family and creates a jostling of the family dynamics that can throw a child into a tailspin. Today, I'm sharing some of the ways families can work together to help the preschool child and lessen the anxiety of a new family member.

1. Talk about the the new baby beforehand and realistically explain that there will be times that the new baby's needs will come first. Hearing all about how wonderful a new baby is going to be, only to discover that the baby is creating demands that take you and your time away from him only heightens the jealously. 

2. When people come to see the new baby and bring gifts, make sure you have something special for your child. It is hard for the sibling to see a new baby getting showered with gifts and attention. Make sure your preschooler is included in the attention and not left to the sidelines. When my youngest was born, we gave my older daughter a special doll from the baby. Later, she often changed the doll's diapers and gave it a bottle while we were doing the same for the baby. 

3. Enlist your child's help and give her a few special jobs. These jobs may be things that are helpful to you for the baby's care or they may be other jobs around the house that only "big kids" can help with. 

4. Spend quality time with your preschooler without the baby. It's hard getting time away from the new baby, but it is important that your preschooler has some special time with you that is baby-free. It may only be storytime or a game during baby's nap time, but let your preschooler see that they are still a very important part of your life and that you still have time for them! Quality time alone with aunts, uncles, grandparents or special family friends is also a great way to help children feel important. Enlist other adults in your preschooler's life to help, if possible!

5. Talk to your preschooler and LISTEN! Let them know that their feelings are perfectly natural and that it is okay to experience some jealously or resentment. Sometimes the children don't have the words to express themselves and that is why they act out. Talk about why they may be feeling sad or jealous and ask what they think you can do to help them feel better about the situation. Let them know that while they may not hurt the new baby in any way, it is okay to talk to you about being angry, hurt or jealous. Don't diminish their feelings--let them know that their feelings are natural and it is perfectly okay to feel them.

I know of one family that when baby number seven came along, baby number five wanted no part of it. When the baby cried, he tried to push "that cat-baby" away so he didn't have to hear it crying. Mom talked with him and acknowledged his feelings. He was given some special places to go in the home where he wouldn't be disturbed by "cat-baby"'s crying. Several months later, he is coming around and starting to interact more and more with the baby. 

6. Read lots of books about becoming a big brother or sister. Knowing that they are not the only child to experience these mixed emotions can really help. I'll include several of my favorites at the bottom of this post. Most of my favorites are humorous children's books--after all, laughter is the best medicine!

7. Give it time. It takes time for a family to adjust to a new situation. Preschoolers need a little time to learn the changing family dynamics and discover their new role. 

Fun books for new brothers and sisters:

    

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Handling Aggressive Behavior in Young Children

First Comfort the Victim.  The next time you witness younger children fighting or hurting one another, your first response should be to comfort the victim without pity or drama.  If possible, you should also include the aggressive child in comforting of the victim.  Ask him to retrieve a cloth, a blanket, or even a drink of water if it's appropriate.  Be sure to use a quiet, calm and respectful tone as you take control.  Your immediate feelings may involve anger or frustration toward the aggressive child, but maintain control and stay calm.  Once the drama has cooled and the victim is cared for, take the aggressive child aside and remind him calmly and respectfully about boundaries and acceptable behavior.  This more peaceful response to the situation will provide an outstanding model and learning tool for both children.  

What is Bullying?  Bullying is any form of physical, emotional, or verbal mistreatment in which one holds an unequal power over another, purposely and repeatedly with the intent to hurt or humiliate.  A bully can be one tough kid harassing someone who is different in some way.  A bully’s behavior can be as simple as name-calling or as serious as confrontation resulting in injury.  No child is ever exempt from being picked on by a bully at some point in his life, and neither are adults.  In a recent study released by the American Medical Association, it was estimated that 3.2 million children are victims of bullying each year.  Being able to defend oneself when attacked by a bully requires both courage and skill – traits you can begin instilling in your child at any age.  

Teach Them How Not To Be A Target.  A bully’s common target is someone who demonstrates a lack of confidence and exhibits characteristics of weakness or insecurity.  Teach your children to stand tall, use a full voice, look the other child directly in the eyes, and exhibit confidence when stating what they want.  If your child does this, it will help to reduce the risk of being targeted by an aggressive child.  You can teach this to your child by modeling it yourself.  The most effective way of teaching children a new behavior is to role-play with them.  Allow them to see what the behavior looks like by modeling it for them, then allowing them to practice.  A child who stands, acts with and speaks with confidence is less likely to become a target of a bully.

Teach your children.  Teach them that they have the power to stop anyone from touching them, hurting them, or taking their things.  One of the most effective actions you can teach your child is described in many self-defense and confidence courses.  Stand tall and erect, and distribute weight evenly on both feet.  Hold your head high, extend their hand straight out in front of them with their flat palm toward the other child, saying “STOP!” in a loud and strong voice.  A bully halted in his or her tracks by a child drawing a clear, personal, physical or emotional boundary is more likely to walk away, often even respecting a child who had represented a potential victim.

Bill Corbett is the author of the award-winning parenting book series, LOVE, LIMITS, & LESSONS: A PARENT'S GUIDE TO RAISING COOPERATIVE KIDS (in English and in Spanish) and the executive producer and host of the public access television show CREATING COOPERATIVE KIDS. As a member of the American Psychological Association and the North American Society for Adlerian Psychology, Bill provides parent coaching and keynote presentations to parent and professional audiences across the country. He sits on the board of the Network Against Domestic Abuse and the Resource Advisory Committee for Attachment Parenting International, and holds several degrees in clinical psychology. Bill's practical experience comes as a father of 3 grown children, a grandfather of two, and a stepdad to three.  You can learn more about his work at http://www.CooperativeKids.com and http://www.BillCorbett.com.