Helping Children to Transition Between Activities

I'm the author of the book LOVE, LIMITS & LESSONS: A PARENT'S GUIDE TO RAISING COOPERATIVE KIDS and I've been working with parents and teachers for a long time. How would you like to have some easy-to-implement tools in your parenting or teacher toolbox to help you gain your child's cooperation when you're in a rush or need to suddenly change gears? That's what you're about to learn in this episode of the COOPERATIVE KIDS PODCAST.

As a parent educator and behavior specialist, I spent over 25 years talking to parents about the things that frustrated them most about their kids. And it was easy for me to agree with them, having 3 children of my own who drove me absolutely crazy. The fact is that children don't naturally transition well, and parents need some strategies for helping them to do this. In this episode of the podcast, I'm speaking to a group of parents and teachers who invited me to offer advice on creating cooperative kids. Here are some solutions to helping children and teens to transition easier.

THE COOPERATIVE KIDS PODCAST

To summarize quickly, 3 techniques for helping children to transition between activities is to
provide as much advance notice as you can, have them help you set up rules before a segment begins, and use visual timers to help them see the passing of time. My favorite device can be found at www.timetimer.com. One last bonus tip is to create some motivation for a child to stop an activity and to want to follow your lead to the next. One day I couldn't get my son to stop an activity in the playroom and to put his shoes and get in the car. I suddenly had somewhere I had to go and I needed his full cooperation. I could have pulled the toy out of his hands and picked him up kicking and screaming and put him in the car, but no effective parent ever wants to do that. So in that moment, we needed to drive to a relatives home. I thought to myself, "what does my son really like about going to that home," and I remembered that he loves playing with his cousin. So getting to my son's eye level, I said in a very excited voice, "Hey buddy, we're going to your uncle's house and I bet Timmy is waiting right at the door for you to show up and play with him!" Instantly, he dropped the toy he was playing with, ran to get his shoes and coat on and off he ran to get into the car. What motivating factor can you come up with the next time you need your child to transition suddenly.

Thanks again for listening and please consider subscribing to the Cooperative Kids Podcast. All information in the podcast is the property of Bill Corbett and Cooperative Kids. Copyright 2023. All rights reserved. 

Stop Telling Preschoolers to "Share" and "Take Turns"

by Cheryl Hatch
Preschool Plan It

"Take Turns! Share!" Words we use every day.

A few months ago, I shared information about challenging preschool behavior and how we, as teachers can approach it.  But what about every day preschool behaviors?  

They feel pretty challenging even if they ARE developmentally appropriate, for sure! 

And we need to remember that it is our role, as the adult in the room, to help guide our children through the situations they face in the classroom each day--no prevent it or punish for it.

Sure, we certainly should know what triggers children to react negatively and do our best to provide an environment that does not create negative behavior.

We can provide multiples of popular toys and materials.  We can provide a space in the classroom to build that super high block structure that is not in the middle of the room and, therefore, in the major path of traffic.  There are many other areas we can observe, assess and do.  

Today, though, I want to make a suggestion about something you should STOP doing.

Stop using words like "Take Turns" or "We share the toys in school" and start showing them what that actually means!

We tend to think they know what it means to share or take turns, mostly because we or their parents have said it day in and day out!

But really, have we ever taken the time to really explain and show what those words mean?  Have we taken the time to think about what those words mean versus how we apply them to children?

What we sometimes have shown them is that sharing means relinquishing what they have to another child and that a person's turn is over when an adult says so, not because a person is done using an item.

I mean, let's face it, if you have 12 cars in front of you, you can share with me.
If you have 1 car in front of you, short of cutting it in half, you can't share it!

And, if you have the one car I want to use, we can take turns.  

However, what does that mean?  Usually the teacher sets a timer for 5 minutes and tells you that when the timer goes off, it's my turn.

But what if you are having that car go up that crazy, awesome block ramp you just built and it has to drive through the (imaginary) snow and mud to get to the top.  Now....you must decide......will it go down the ramp or will it use it's transformer wings to fly out of the snowstorm?  

Right when you are decided the fate of this car, the timer goes off and you are told that it's MY turn to use it.  BUT--YOU WEREN'T DONE USING IT YET!   

I used the timer method for a long time until I realized that it's not up to me to decide when or how long a child's turn is.  It is up to the person using the item!

Real life comparison:  

Let's say another adult in your home is using the one laptop in the house.  They are sending an email or writing a paper.  If you ask them if you can use the laptop (aka: have a turn) when they are done, what happens?  

Most likely they respond with "Sure!", they finish their email or paper and let you know when they are done, right?

Would you ever set a timer for 5 minutes and, when the timer goes off, go over to that person, take the laptop out of their hands and say "Timer went off--my turn."?

Of course not!! The person who is using the laptop knows when they are done.

It should be the same for children.  

You:  Playing happily with potential flying car in the block area.

Me:   I want to use that car.

You:  But I'm using it right now.

Me:  But you've had it for a gazillion minutes.  MISS TEACHER!  She won't let me use the car!!!!

Teacher:  You need to share (or you need to take turns)!

You:  Well, it's my turn right now!

Me:  But I want a turn!!

Teacher:  We'll set the timer for 5 minutes and then it will be Cheryl's turn.

This is the typical approach.

Instead, it is my belief that we need to let the child decide when their turn is over.  It might be in 5 minutes, it might be at clean up time.  If that happens, you can always put a note on the toy or item that says "Cheryl's turn is tomorrow" and let me use it first tomorrow.

We need to approach every challenge as an opportunity to teach problem solving skills, including what sharing really means.  And what taking turns really means.

Children can not learn to negotiate problems if they are not allowed to have them.  

Some Resources To Provide Tips and Techniques

I have an article on the website about Behavior Guidance for other behavioral challenges we see day to day in the classroom.  It helps go over 4 steps to take to help decide HOW to approach different behaviors.

Click here to read the 4 Steps to Behavior Guidance in Preschool.

And if you missed my previous article on Challenging Preschool Behaviors, you will find that here.

About the author

Cheryl Hatch has taught and directed preschool programs for over 20 years.  She is the Creator and Owner of Preschool Plan It, a website dedicated to sharing preschool themes, activities, articles and training with early childhood educators.  She volunteers as the coordinator and teacher of the MOPPETS program in her town (a preschool program for the M.O.P.S.--Mothers of Preschoolers Program).  She has her undergraduate degree in Early Childhood Education.  Cheryl has been an active, integral member and leader within the Teachers.Net Early Childhood community for many years, moderating live chats and providing peer support on the Preschool Teachers Chatboard.  You can read Cheryl’s articles, activities and themed preschool lesson plans at www.preschool-plan-it.com 

Four Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Discipline

Courtesy of photographer David Castillo
Dominici and Free Digital Photos dot net

In my work with parents and teachers on solving behavior challenges with children, I help them identify the problem, possible causes of the behavior, and then possible solutions for eliminating it. My goal is to send the adults away with a few simple step-by-step techniques they can implement immediately to bring about quick change at home or in the classroom. Here are four key questions to ask yourself to help you identify a current behavior issue and some common sense solutions to solve them.

QUESTION # 1: Why can’t the behavior occur? 

Adults react unnecessarily when children behave in ways that annoy or embarrass the adult, or add more chaos to their already stressed state of mind. Adults also react in this manner in response to feelings of fear that the child may fall down or get hurt in some fashion. Stop before you react unnecessarily and ask yourself, “What is the worst that could happen if I don’t react?,” or “Why can’t my child do what she’s doing at the moment?” Let go of the urge to control everything and everybody. Avoid arranging the outcomes of everyone’s behavior.

QUESTION # 2: How would the child know not to behave this way? 

Children see the world from a different perspective than adults, and adults unfairly assume or expect children to see it from theirs. Carefully examine the models that your children have around them to learn from and be sure to set good examples that teach what you want them to learn. Encouraging a child to read frequently, for example, works best when they see the adult reading, too. Create agreements ahead of time and set up rules before activities begin, not in the middle of them. Yes, this will require you as a caregiver to think ahead and predict behavior situations that could be challenging.

QUESTION # 3: What unmet needs might the child be demonstrating? 

In many instances, both children and adults demonstrate surprising behaviors as a way of getting unmet needs satisfied. The little boy constantly drawing may be exhibiting his need to draw and create. Creating appropriate opportunities for him to draw and color may be all that is necessary to eliminate the problem. Giving a bossy child the opportunity to lead family activities may satisfy his need to be in charge. And relaxing over a tween's or teen’s experiments with her appearance that doesn’t endanger her, could satisfy her need to explore her own identity in a healthy way. Have you ever behaved in curious ways to satisfy any unmet needs of your own?

QUESTION # 4: Is there a purpose to this behavior for the child? 

Both children and adults find ways to act out to create more purpose in their life. A little boy picking fights with his brother discovered that it brought his busy grandmother into the room in hopes of her taking his side. The little girl who had once again become a baby was most likely responding to the jealousy she may have felt of having to share her parents with her new sibling. And my own son found a new way to annoy others by experimenting with sounds he could make with his voice.

Before you get angry, step back for one moment, take a deep breath, and ask yourself these four questions. Perhaps the answers they offer may allow you to see the behavior differently and provide you with an opportunity to choose an alternate response that will get you more effective results.  Behavior is usually a result of what has been learned through imitation or getting unmet needs or purpose satisfied. Avoid the urge to react and think of ways you can be proactive instead, to avoid or eliminate challenging behaviors.

Treat Me Like I'm Someone You Love

I was shopping at the local “big box” store in town recently.  As I was walking out into the parking lot, I noticed a mother walking in front of me with a preschooler-aged little boy and a little girl of probably 8 or 9.  The mother was yelling at the little girl to “Get back here… NOW!”  The little girl seemed mad about something and she was walking a few feet ahead of the woman.

When the mother yelled (and quite loud I must say), the girl would immediately stop in her tracks, arms folded, face down and with a huge frown.  As the mother caught up to the girl, she yelled at her with a phrase something like “If you walk ahead of me one more time, you’re gonna get it when we get home!”  But as soon as the mother was almost within an arm’s reach to her, the little girl would quickly walk ahead.”

This went on for the entire walk out into the parking lot.  With the constant threats and the woman’s growing anger, I feared the mother might hit her daughter (assuming she was her daughter).  Customers passing us by, quickly looked the other way .  She had a very big build and sounded and looked tired and angry.  I was afraid she was going to have had enough with the girl.

I’ve witnessed this incident many times in the past and I think because I am a parent educator, I feel very sensitive to the situation.  I can feel the mother’s pain of being tired, stressed and angry, and not in need of anyone adding to what she already feels.  And I can feel for the little girl who may be acting this way because she is mad about something that occurred between her and her mother earlier.  It seems like a no-win situation that could quickly get out of hand if the mother is not able to control her anger. 

My friend and pediatrician Susan Markel, MD asks parents to avoid losing control at all costs.  Chapter 8 in her book What Your Pediatrician Doesn’t Know Can Hurt Your Child (BenBella Books;2010) is titled Treat Me Like I’m Someone You Love.  In it she warns parents that taking your anger or frustration out on your child is likely to lead them to feeling like there is something wrong with them.

If you ever find yourself in this situation with your children, remain calm, stop talking and give up the urge to control the outcome.  Take several deep breaths and get yourself and your children home quickly.  Take a break as soon as you can and know that you are human and need breaks from the kids now and again.  I love that Dr. Markel also says “Behavior is not taught to children by talking about it.  Rather, correct behavior is demonstrated, observed and experienced… children learn to be nice by having someone be nice to them.”

Bill Corbett is the author of the award-winning parenting book series, LOVE, LIMITS, & LESSONS: A PARENT'S GUIDE TO RAISING COOPERATIVE KIDS (in English and in Spanish) and the executive producer and host of the public access television show CREATING COOPERATIVE KIDS. As a member of the American Psychological Association and the North American Society for Adlerian Psychology, Bill provides parent coaching and keynote presentations to parent and professional audiences across the country. He sits on the board of the Network Against Domestic Abuse and the Resource Advisory Committee for Attachment Parenting International, and holds several degrees in clinical psychology. Bill's practical experience comes as a father of 3 grown children, a grandfather of two, and a stepdad to three.  You can learn more about his work at http://www.CooperativeKids.com and http://www.BillCorbett.com.

Teaching with Routine and Sameness

Have you ever noticed how your children love to catch you making a mistake, especially when you do something out of order?  Children learn about the world around them by sameness and routine and they crave patterns that they can learn from.

One evening we had visitors over for dinner and it was a special occasion.  The food was coming out of the oven in phases to keep it warm.  One of our young guests must have been hungry so she served herself what was on the table and took a bite.  My oldest daughter, the perfectionist child, was quick to catch her breaking a dinner-time rule and called attention to the violation.  Our family procedures had trained her that we all start eating together, after the blessing.

Use this teaching tool to your advantage, especially when you want to increase the cooperation from your young children.  Family situations such as the morning rush, dinner time and bedtime are 3 situations that can be stressful on parents and children.  Creating a reoccurring sequence of events during these times can make them easier to get through.

Let’s take bedtime for example.  Children don’t like going to bed because they fear that they are going to miss out on something good.  They have this perception that “the REAL party begins when they have to go to bed.”  At the same time, parents can’t wait to get their children in bed so they can de-stress, relax or in some cases, get more work done.  If your children sense that you’re trying to rush them off to bed, they will prolong the event.

Allow your children to help you come up with all of the activities at bedtime and put them in sequential order.  Have them help you create large pictures that represent each of the events in the sequence: a story book, a pair of pajamas, a toilet, a glass of water, etc.  Next, tape each of the pictures high on the wall and out of their reach, placing them in sequential order. 

The additional key to success with this activity is to include your children in the process of creating it and to make it fun!  Put aside your mind chatter and stress, and take on an excited demeanor as you call out each of the items in order to have them complete them.  Go with them and participate.  The more engaged and fun you are in this process, the more they will feel a part of it.

If your child catches you doing something out of order, relax and don’t get defensive.  Be humble and thank them for catching the mistake.  They will feel respected and important that they uncovered the flaw.  Just try it on purpose sometime; break a sequence just to give them something to focus on and watch their legalistic nature make an issue of your mistake.

Teaching children cooperation and social skills can be a challenge.  Your little children do not arrive in the world ready to comply.  It takes time, patience, and practice to get them to cooperate and participate.  Use routine and sameness whenever you can and notice how much easier parenting can be.

Bill Corbett is the author of the award-winning parenting book series, LOVE, LIMITS, & LESSONS: A PARENT'S GUIDE TO RAISING COOPERATIVE KIDS (in English and in Spanish) and the executive producer and host of the public access television show CREATING COOPERATIVE KIDS. As a member of the American Psychological Association and the North American Society for Adlerian Psychology, Bill provides parent coaching and keynote presentations to parent and professional audiences across the country. He sits on the board of the Network Against Domestic Abuse and the Resource Advisory Committee for Attachment Parenting International, and holds several degrees in clinical psychology. Bill's practical experience comes as a father of 3 grown children, a grandfather of two, and a stepdad to three.  You can learn more about his work at http://www.CooperativeKids.com and http://www.BillCorbett.com.

8 Parenting Tips for Happier Holidays with Young Children

It's time once again to begin preparing for the holidays and gearing up for family, fun, and festivals. The kids will be getting excited and home for school vacation. Here are eight tips for ensuring a happier holiday season.

TIP # 1: Good Behavior in Someone Else's Home

At some point prior to arriving at someone else's home for a holiday party, get to your child's eye level and go over the rules for being at the party. You may even ask them to explain the rules to you and don't be surprised if they already know. Throughout the event, acknowledge them every time you witness the behavior you want. If their behavior has been a problem in the past, tell them there will be a consequence to bad behavior and that consequence will be leaving the party. If you choose this option, be ready to implement it immediately, and don't punish them. The punishment is the departure itself and your complete silence on the drive home.

TIP # 2: Reduce the Toys and Gifts

A few weeks before the holiday season arrives, allow your child to lead an activity to thin out the usable toys and clothes they already have and then donate them to a local charity. Let your child have as much participation in the process, especially the delivery to the donation center. Commit to buying your children less toys. Too many can create visual chaos and excess stimulation, and certainly do not teach crucial lessons of moderation and limits.

TIP # 3: Take Care of Yourself

When you become stressed over the holidays, your appearance of being frantic and frazzled will be felt by the children and they too will begin to simulate it in their own way. Take time out for yourself to recharge your batteries. You need extra rest, exercise, and healthy eating, ingredients for greater self-control and patience.

TIP # 4: Teach Children Gratitude

Make it a priority to get your family involved in a giving exercise this holiday season. Donate your time to volunteer for a charitable organization by wrapping gifts for a gift collection agency, delivering a meal to a shut-in, or serving the hungry at a soup kitchen.   This act of compassion will remain with your children for a very long time. During the thanksgiving holiday, my family and I would prepare and deliver a meal to an elderly person living alone. I'll never forget the year we delivered our dinner to an elderly lady who was so grateful for our gift, she cried as we left. My son was silent as we drove away and he had tears welling in his eyes.

TIP # 5: Don't Over Schedule

During the holidays we automatically think about wanting to connect and be with family and friends. But if past holidays have not been fond memories because of over scheduling, reconsider your plans for this year and commit to simplifying the family calendar or take a vacation away from home. This move may require having to say no to some invitations or changing routines. One family we connect with often makes it a point to avoid the holiday rush. They plan plenty of get-togethers throughout the year and then disappear at Thanksgiving and/or Christmas to take cruises, go to Disney, or travel to see family out of state.

TIP # 6: Set Realistic Expectations for the Kids

Let's face it; December can be a stressful month for the kids and stressful or busy times for you. This guarantees that your children are going to behave differently and it will be a challenge getting them to cooperate and remain calm. Clarify your boundaries and rules and be patient when their excitement gets in the way. Remind yourself about the true meaning of the holidays; it's not about having the perfect family. A big mistake parents make is remembering the holidays from their childhood and trying to recreate them today.

TIP # 7: Create the Reverence of New Traditions

Participating in family traditions that were passed down can be fun and exciting, but it can also add to the stress of the holidays when it means having to recreate complex meals, trips, and events that originally belonged to someone else. Take bold steps to create new traditions for your immediate family that will leave lasting impressions, regardless of how simple they might be. When my children were young, we started a new tradition of allowing the kids to open one gift on Christmas Eve. We intentionally gave them new pajamas in this one special gift and they would be the pajamas they would wear to bed that night. Each year after that, I came up with fun and creative ways of disguising the gift to keep them guessing, because they knew what they would find in the packages. Creating new and fun traditions and faithfully celebrating them each year with consistency will teach your children how to do it themselves when they have families of their own.

TIP # 8: Be the Person You Want Your Children to Be

Finally, there is no better way to teach your children how to enjoy the holidays than to demonstrate being the person you want them to be. The most powerful training your children will ever have is the observations they make of your behavior on a daily basis. Work hard to remain calm and loving throughout the holidays. When you find yourself on the threshold of an emotional reaction to someone else's behavior, ask yourself if what you're about to say or do will bring your family closer together, or create more distance. Being close of course, is what the holidays are all about!

Get more help for discipline for small children at http://www.StopTheTantrums.com

Bill Corbett is the author of the award-winning parenting book series, LOVE, LIMITS, & LESSONS: A PARENT'S GUIDE TO RAISING COOPERATIVE KIDS (in English and in Spanish) and the executive producer and host of the public access television show CREATING COOPERATIVE KIDS (http://www.CooperativeKids.com). As a member of the American Psychological Association and the North American Society for Adlerian Psychology, Bill provides parent coaching and keynote presentations to parent and professional audiences across the country. He sits on the board of the Network Against Domestic Abuse, the Resource Advisory Committee for Attachment Parenting International, and the management team of the Springfield Parent Academy. Bill's practical experience comes as a father of 3 grown children, a grandfather of two, and a stepdad to three.  You can learn more about his work at http://www.BillCorbett.com and http://www.StopTheTantrums.com.