How To Make It Up To Your Child When You Make A Mistake

If you haven't snapped at your child, forgotten something you were suppose to do for them, arrived late for a recital or game, dropped the ball on a promise, or made a parenting decision you regretted, then you aren't human. We parents are often stressed, busy, over worked, forgetful and tired and we make mistakes.

I remember too well saying something like, "I know I said I'd take you _____________, but I'm really busy and have to get _____________ done before dinner tonight." And then there are the painful incidents in which I snapped or yelled when caught off guard or noticed something written on with crayon or broken, and automatically thinking about how much that item cost or what I'm going to have to spend to fix, clean or replace an item.

Austrian neurologist and the father of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, taught us that we have automatic systems in place that defend our ego from being hurt by guilt and fear. When we parents get angry toward our children, it's a way of protecting our ego from feeling guilty that we mismanaged our schedule and didn't show up on time, or that we forgot something that was important to our children. It's also occurs when we think about having to pay out money that was not in the budget and we're already over extended financially.

When we find ourselves in this situation, we must calm down and breath. A few deep breaths will help us manage our emotions and see the situation for what it really is; not quite as serious as we had ourselves believing. If we're able to, it works remarkably well to see the situation from our child or teen's perspective. I remember my teenage son coming how with a dent in the family car and how driven I felt to keep asking why and how in an angry tone.

So when you do something like the things I listed in the first paragraph that could have been avoided, be ready to provide a MAKEUP to them. Providing a makeup means offering something to your child that you will do as a way of making up for the mistake you made. You would say, "Wow sweetheart, I am so sorry that I forgot about taking you to the mall as I had promised. I owe you a makeup."

The next step is to offer something as that makeup and here is an important ground rule: it should not include buying them an object. The ideal makeups should be about spending time together without technology or money. They should be walks in the park, dates, playing table games, or crafting. Make believe tea parties would be great for little children and "hanging out" together to play catch in the backyard  would be appropriate for a teenager.

It is extremely important that the adult who made the mistake must be the one to determine the makeup, not the victim. And not only does this work well with kids, it also applies to handling mistakes with significant others as well!


Bill Corbett has a degree in clinical psychology and has been chosen to deliver the keynote address at a large education conference in Holland this Fall.  He is happily married with three grown children, three grandchildren, and three step children, and resides in Enfield, CT.  You can visit his Web site www.CooperativeKids.com for further information and parenting advice.

Five New Years Resolutions for Teachers in 2015

RESOLUTION#1 - Refrain from using a loud voice
Children learn how to communicate by the models teachers set for them. As often as possible, when you need your children’s attention or cooperation, get to their eye level and speak in a calm and respectful tone. The more often you do this, the more likely you are to create peace and calmness in your classroom and your children will do the same.

RESOLUTION#2 – Use the word COOPERATION often

When you need your children to comply, initiate it by announcing, “I need your cooperation.”  When they follow through, thank them for cooperating with you.  When they need you do something for them, confirm their request by saying, “Oh… you need my cooperation.  I’d love to cooperate with you.”  Use that word in association with requests from other adults in the school so the kids will see it often.

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RESOLUTION#3 – Let go and avoid controlling the outcome all the time

We’re constantly trying to get so much done in so little time and on schedule.  When children move too slow or don’t put a piece of clothing on correctly, it annoys us and we take over to have things according to our desire.  At least once a day, let something a child does be the way she did it.  Avoid correcting her, re-doing something, taking over for her, or arranging all the outcomes.

RESOLUTION#4 – Celebrate moments of independence

You’re getting ready to leave the classroom and you noticed that one child has buttoned her own jacket but the buttons are misaligned.  Or she put her coat on by herself but it’s inside out. For just once, avoid correcting the situation. Don’t re-button her jacket or adjust her sweater. Instead, make a big deal of what she did on her own. You can adjust things later but for the moment, celebrate her self-sufficiency.

How to Create Calmer Classrooms

RESOLUTION#5 – Stay calm when a child begins to argue

When a child becomes persistent in trying to convince us of something, we can easily get pulled into an emotional debate. Sometimes our own older children who feel they can approach us about anything and know they are being heard, consider their relationship with us stronger. Commit to not getting angry in these moments and be there 100%. If the child (or your own) has made a good case, give in once in a while if appropriate.  If you’ve had enough of the bantering, end it calmly and walk away. Know that it’s normal behavior.

Bill Corbett has a degree in clinical psychology and is the author of the award winning book “Love, Limits, & Lessons: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Cooperative Kids,” in English and in Spanish.  He is happily married with three grown children, three grandchildren, and three step children and resides in Connecticut.  You can visit his Web site www.CooperativeKids.com for further information and parenting advice.

Why Dads Don't Take Parenting Classes

A young intern working on a research project contacted me to ask me a few questions about dads, parenting classes and getting them to engage more with their kids. He told me that his team at the University of Wisconsin-Madison was developing intervention programs to support fathers and to find the best ways of engaging them in programs.

He implied there was a belief that men don’t like to take parenting classes and they were trying to find out why. I shared with him that I do occasionally get some dads who contact me for parent coaching or even some who show up at my parenting classes, but mostly it’s the moms who aren't afraid to seek out help.

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One of the questions he asked me was, do I interact differently with women as opposed to men in my coaching sessions. I told him that a large part of my training with parents is to help them understand the emotional intelligence aspect of their child and if their emotional needs aren’t met, there is likely to be less cooperation and more misbehavior. Moms get the emotional intelligence of parenting more easily than dads do. Therefore I have to engage the fathers in other ways.

So he asked me if I use different teaching methods when I have men in the sessions. I told him that we men tend to be more visual learners and therefore, I use more video demonstrations or role play to create common situations they may find at home with their kids.

Next he asked me, “What concerns do fathers tend to bring up in contrast to those brought up by mothers?” My answer to that was that women seem to bring up more questions that involve relationships, feelings, and communication. Men on the other hand seem to ask more questions about day-to-day cooperation, following through with tasks, and examining children’s skills and abilities.
His last question was about why dads seem to be less interested in parenting classes.

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Based on dads that I’ve spoken to, some men feel that it is a sign of weakness to admit that you need help in parenting and just do the best they can, while others believe that parenting and discipline is more of a woman’s job and just leave it all to them. There is one more group of dads I’ve noticed who have the “I gave at the office” mentality. In other words, they believe they work hard all day long and disciplining the kids should not be one of their responsibilities when they get home.

To women who want to know how to get their husbands on board to help more with the kids, or to get them to join you at parenting classes, here are some quick tips. Communicate what you want from your partner clearly and don’t assume anything. DO NOT criticize him when he makes an attempt to discipline and he fails (instead encourage him), especially in front of the kids. Finally, make the effort to have private conversations with him to get on the ‘same page’ with parenting before handling certain situations with the kids.

Bill Corbett has a degree in clinical psychology and is the author of the award winning book “Love, Limits, & Lessons: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Cooperative Kids,” in English and in Spanish.  He is happily married with three grown children, two grandchildren, three step children, and lives in Enfield.  You can visit his Web site www.CooperativeKids.com for further information and parenting advice.

The Secret to Getting Kids to Cooperate at Home or in the Classroom

In a parent’s or teacher’s stressful and busy day, gaining a child’s cooperation helps to make moments so much easier. Acquiring that cooperation can be a bit tricky and is best done well in advance. The amazing thing about acquiring a child’s cooperation in advance is that what is needed in advance really has nothing to do with the actual act of cooperation.  Instead, gaining a child’s cooperation in advance is so much simpler than many adults realize. If you’re having trouble following me, here is a video I created to visualize what I’m talking about. Please watch the video and post a reply to this post or the video itself with your thoughts. Perhaps you too will obtain pleasurable moments of cooperation with a child in your care, once you implement what you are about to learn.

Want to learn how to create these powerful videos?  CLICK HERE to test drive the software that does it all.

Bill Corbett is the author of the award-winning parenting book series, LOVE, LIMITS, & LESSONS: A PARENT'S GUIDE TO RAISING COOPERATIVE KIDS (in English and in Spanish) and the executive producer and host of the public access television show CREATING COOPERATIVE KIDS. With a degree in clinical psychology, Bill provides parent coaching and keynote presentations to parent and professional audiences across the country. He sits on the board of the Network Against Domestic Abuse and the Resource Advisory Committee for Attachment Parenting International.  Bill's practical experience comes as a father of 3 grown children, a grandfather of two, and a stepdad to three.

How to Teach Kids to Care

I hear parents complain that their kids don’t appreciate what they have. So much is available to our kids today that it’s hard for them to imagine being without. Then when they push their parents for more, it triggers a feeling of resentment for the parents as they think about all they’ve done and provided for their kids so far.

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My own kids occasionally threw in the, “All my friends have an (insert anyone of these here: iPhone, TV, Xbox, Six Flags pass, etc.), why can’t I have one?” It’s common for them to think that every other child has what they want, even though it may not be true. Remain calm when they make these claims and stand firm in your position to not cave at their demands.

Instead of reminding your children of all that you’ve bought or done for them, let their cries for more stuff be your reminder to get them involved in something that gives to others. From food banks, to pet adoption groups, to the Salvation Army and churches, all communities have opportunities for individuals, families and even children to volunteer in service to others.

There is no better way to teach your children the act of giving then to do it right alongside them. Avoid dropping your kids off with an organization for them to volunteer, unless it’s an organization that is specific to youth participation. You are the primary and most important teacher for your children so roll your sleeves up and get in there with them to participate. 

I read a news story recently, featuring a 16-year-old boy in Rhode Island who started a project of providing brand new donated shoes to homeless children. In the four years it’s been running, he’s provided 16,000 pairs across 32 states. The article in People magazine included testimony from recipients of this giving organization’s gifts to families.

And where did this admirable young man get the notion to start such a wonderful organization? His parents took him to a homeless shelter when he was five years old. When he realized that his light-up sneakers did not compare to the shoes worn by the homeless children, which were falling apart, that experience remained with him and influenced his actions as he approached the teen years.

As the story supports, telling your children about those who are less fortunate than they are, may not be enough to matter. When I was a child, I remember my elders warning me about all the children that were starving in foreign countries, in hopes of getting me to eat my dinner. Providing an experience for your children in seeing and hearing from those less fortunate can make all the difference.

One final thought on this matter of teaching children and teens to care. Suppose there are some things that you do want to provide for them. Instead of running out and making an instant purchase, consider a dollar-for-dollar matching initiative if they have the means to earn money. Or at the very least, put limitations on when and how long they can use the item. Delayed gratification is something more children need to experience to appreciate what they do and do not have.

 

Bill Corbett has a degree in clinical psychology and is the author of the award winning book “Love, Limits, & Lessons: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Cooperative Kids,” in English and in Spanish.  He is happily married with three grown children, two grandchildren, and three step children.  You can visit his Web site www.CooperativeKids.com for further information and parenting advice.

Four Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Discipline

Courtesy of photographer David Castillo
Dominici and Free Digital Photos dot net

In my work with parents and teachers on solving behavior challenges with children, I help them identify the problem, possible causes of the behavior, and then possible solutions for eliminating it. My goal is to send the adults away with a few simple step-by-step techniques they can implement immediately to bring about quick change at home or in the classroom. Here are four key questions to ask yourself to help you identify a current behavior issue and some common sense solutions to solve them.

QUESTION # 1: Why can’t the behavior occur? 

Adults react unnecessarily when children behave in ways that annoy or embarrass the adult, or add more chaos to their already stressed state of mind. Adults also react in this manner in response to feelings of fear that the child may fall down or get hurt in some fashion. Stop before you react unnecessarily and ask yourself, “What is the worst that could happen if I don’t react?,” or “Why can’t my child do what she’s doing at the moment?” Let go of the urge to control everything and everybody. Avoid arranging the outcomes of everyone’s behavior.

QUESTION # 2: How would the child know not to behave this way? 

Children see the world from a different perspective than adults, and adults unfairly assume or expect children to see it from theirs. Carefully examine the models that your children have around them to learn from and be sure to set good examples that teach what you want them to learn. Encouraging a child to read frequently, for example, works best when they see the adult reading, too. Create agreements ahead of time and set up rules before activities begin, not in the middle of them. Yes, this will require you as a caregiver to think ahead and predict behavior situations that could be challenging.

QUESTION # 3: What unmet needs might the child be demonstrating? 

In many instances, both children and adults demonstrate surprising behaviors as a way of getting unmet needs satisfied. The little boy constantly drawing may be exhibiting his need to draw and create. Creating appropriate opportunities for him to draw and color may be all that is necessary to eliminate the problem. Giving a bossy child the opportunity to lead family activities may satisfy his need to be in charge. And relaxing over a tween's or teen’s experiments with her appearance that doesn’t endanger her, could satisfy her need to explore her own identity in a healthy way. Have you ever behaved in curious ways to satisfy any unmet needs of your own?

QUESTION # 4: Is there a purpose to this behavior for the child? 

Both children and adults find ways to act out to create more purpose in their life. A little boy picking fights with his brother discovered that it brought his busy grandmother into the room in hopes of her taking his side. The little girl who had once again become a baby was most likely responding to the jealousy she may have felt of having to share her parents with her new sibling. And my own son found a new way to annoy others by experimenting with sounds he could make with his voice.

Before you get angry, step back for one moment, take a deep breath, and ask yourself these four questions. Perhaps the answers they offer may allow you to see the behavior differently and provide you with an opportunity to choose an alternate response that will get you more effective results.  Behavior is usually a result of what has been learned through imitation or getting unmet needs or purpose satisfied. Avoid the urge to react and think of ways you can be proactive instead, to avoid or eliminate challenging behaviors.

ONE SONG + ONE BALL = FUN AND LEARNING!

Introducing the Great Big Ball to the class.

     Hi from Miss Carole at Macaroni Soup:  Active Music for Kids!  In 24 years of teaching Music and Movement, I have yet to find a child who doesn’t like balls!  One of my son’s first 10 words was “BALL!”  after Mama, of course!  His eyes would light up and his hands would reach for any ball in sight!  

So what could be better than a

 “GREAT BIG BALL”?

     To start you need a very large ball.  I have used medicine balls, but prefer an inflated beach ball because it weighs less, can be transparent and is familiar to children.  Google “giant beach ball” and you’ll find lots of options for 42”-48” balls ranging from $5.95 – 23.95.  The one you see in these pictures is a 48” ball that was about $12.  (Even Amazon.com has them!) Also, it’s the end of the season, so check out your local stores for clearances on Summer beach toys.

    Learn the song – the lyrics are VERY simple!  I don’t have an author credit for this song- I don’t know who wrote it or even where I heard it about 15 years ago!  But it stuck in my head – and it will in yours!  If you know who wrote it – please contact me!

Chorus:

Who’s gonna get that great big ball as it rolls around the room?

Who’s gonna get that great big ball as it rolls around the room?

Who’s gonna get that great big ball as it rolls around the room?

We’re gonna find out soon!                                                                          

Passing practice - before singing!

Verse:

Jessie’s got that great big ball                         

Rolling from her head to her toes

Rolling from her head to her toes

Rolling from her head to her toes

Jessie’s got that great big ball

Rolling from her head to her toes

But look out, Jessie – here it goes!

Once passing is going well, start singing!

    What to do:  Introduce the ball to your children once they are sitting in a circle on the floor.  Stand in the middle of the circle to keep the ball moving as the children pass it all the way around the circle once.  Tell them that when you stop singing, whoever the ball is in front of lays down and you will roll the ball up and down their body, from head to toes!  BEGIN!

    Believe it or not, I did this last week with my classes of 4 year olds at the first music class – and they LOVED IT!  If you have some shy violets, they can sit in someone’s lap, and you control where the ball stops – don’t stop at someone who looks the least bit fearful.

    Helpful Hints:

• Get a battery-powered or electric pump – it makes for easy inflation/deflation.
• Remember – passing is a learned skill, not something children innately know how to do.  Take a moment to teach passing.  It will make this activity run smoothly.
• Sometimes a child holds onto the ball – that’s why you’re in the middle – to keep it going!
• If there are more than 10 children, have them lay down 2 at a time – “Joe and James have got that great big ball…” or “2 girls have got that great big ball…

2 boys have got that great big ball...

...rolling from their head to their toes!

  

What is learned?  Cooperation can be fun!  Especially at the beginning of the school year, learning to “share” by passing is an easy thing when done to music!  We’re also saying the names of the children – another chance for classmates to identify each other.  We also create shared experience, or community.  Look at the boy’s face in the left picture above as he shares the excitement with a friend – priceless!

   

   As you see in this last picture, I have EVERYONE lay down and I pass the ball over all of them.  Each child does not get a chance to be singled out with a verse each time we do this song, so this final “EVERYONE LAY DOWN” verse solves the “…but I didn’t get a turn” whine!

    One of the funniest things is how the ball bumps along their tummies - because they're laughing!

   

To hear the song, click here.  It is also available on my newest cd,

“SEASON SINGS!”, which includes 30 great songs like this one!  To purchase it, go to the Recordings page on my website.    

Yours for a Song – and a Great Big Ball!

“Miss Carole” Stephens

Macaroni Soup! Active Music for Kids!  

Students Celebrate International Day of Peace

The General Assembly of the United Nations declared September 21st as the International Day of Peace.  Since the first year of celebration, many schools around the country have used that commemoration to influence children on the importance of world peace.  So this past September 21^st, I took a film crew with me to an amazing Montessori school, deep in the Berkshires of Massachusetts to see what they were doing.

Everything I teach in my parenting program and all that I feature on my television show is dedicated to increasing the peacefulness in families and classrooms.  If we hope to have less war and conflict in the future, and more love and compassion for one another, then it's up to us to cultivate that in our children who will be responsible for carrying out the plan.

The director of this school, Meagan Ledendecker, asked each of the classes at the Montessori School of the Berkshires, to create a project that would represent their own celebration of world peace.  Upon hearing about this challenge, it became my goal to capture on film, many of the class projects that would eventually be put on display for all the parents to see.  The clip below is an excerpt from the most recent episode of my television show, featuring some of the activities at the school on this day.

The school featured in the clip above (http://youtu.be/5QLgf-dNGTg) is making a major contribution to bringing about more peace in the world.  And parents can be make a difference with their children as well.  In the clip below (http://youtu.be/xnOHQkPpdLs) from the same show, I offered parents 10 tips for raising a more peaceful child.  See if you're doing any of these with your family.

Watch my show, Creating Cooperative Kids, on your local public access TV channel.  If it is not currently airing in your area, watch it for free at http://www.TheParentingShow.tv.  

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Bill Corbett is the author of the award-winning parenting book series, LOVE, LIMITS, & LESSONS: A PARENT'S GUIDE TO RAISING COOPERATIVE KIDS (in English and in Spanish) and the executive producer and host of the public access television show CREATING COOPERATIVE KIDS (http://www.CooperativeKids.com). As a member of the American Psychological Association and the North American Society for Adlerian Psychology, Bill provides parent coaching and keynote presentations to parent and professional audiences across the country. He sits on the board of the Network Against Domestic Abuse, the Resource Advisory Committee for Attachment Parenting International, and the management team of the Springfield Parent Academy. Bill's practical experience comes as a father of 3 grown children, a grandfather of two, and a stepdad to three.  You can learn more about his work at http://www.BillCorbett.com and http://www.StopTheTantrums.com.