Help! My Kid Will Scream if I Limit His Screen Time!

Breaking Kids' Addiction to Screen Time

What if a parent realizes the importance of limiting screen time for kids, and admits she didn't take measures to set up boundaries at home? Is it too late? I say, not at all, but there are two things the parent must take into consideration: implementing the limitations gradually and being prepared to deal with challenging behavior that may result from the change in boundaries.

Why Screen Time is Bad for Kids
Experts agree that too much screen time is bad for kids for two reasons: it affects the frontal lobe of the brain and it can become a digital addiction. The frontal lobe is in constant construction until around the age of 25 is responsible for many important cognitive skills, such as judgment and managing emotions, both things we need our youth to develop effectively and on time, and at the very least to keep themselves and others safe.

According to the publication Psychology Today, excessive screen time damages brain function, both in white matter and gray matter. Writers of the magazine say that just holding your Smartphone can make it harder to think. It can also impact your individual safety. Last year, the number of pedestrian fatalities jumped by 11 percent, due to an increase in distracted driving and texting while walking.
When it comes to kids who get too much screen time for connecting with others, their social interactions primarily take place through texts or social media posts, causing them to fail to develop important skills. Stephanie Marcy, clinical psychologist at Children’s Hospital Los Angeles, says that some of these critical skills include reading facial expressions, tone of voice and other social cues.

Internet safety experts agree that the later children get smart phones, the better. The New York Times reports that maturity helps them cope better with bullies, online predators and sexting. Delaying giving kids handheld, internet-enable devices is even better than just minimizing or controlling how much time they get to use them each day. But for many reasons, a lot of parents aren't willing to hold off making these purchases for their kids.

Limiting Screen Time
Let's go back to the idea of introducing limitations to screen time and devices. This very question was posted on one of my YouTube videos and my first recommendation to the parent was to introduce a time limitation change in the use of screen time, well in advance of implementing it. What I suggested is to allow the kids to hear about it and prepare mentally. Announce what the initial change will consist of and let them help you come up with the date by taking turns at offering up the date. Be ready for some push back though. knowing that kids may try to push off or delay this undesirable change, they may say something like, "Let's start this next year." 

Including Kids in the Change
If what they offer is unacceptable to you, simply thank them politely for the offer and then state that you're NOT WILLING to wait that long, and come up with your own date. If they should object to that date, allow them to offer another reasonable date, and do this over and over, going back and forth, until you both can agree on an acceptable date. If you're unable to agree on the date, stop the discussion and try it again at a later time. This is a process that can be utilized in families in many other situations: setting up rules, where to go on vacation, establishing consequences and especially in the next step of this process.

Once the date is determined, post it on the refrigerator or wherever family events or appointments are posted. The next step is to get the kids to help come up with things they will do during the new; SCREEN-FREE TIME periods.  Let them help you develop a list by getting them to take turns with you in offering up ideas. Reduce the chances of having to reject something they offer because doing so could alienate the child or foster uncooperativeness. To do this, you can set up parameters for the things that go on the list, such as whether it includes things that cost money or require leaving the house.

Weaning Them Off of Screen Time
The main idea of this exercise is to have them come up with simple

things that engage the child's creativity, learning, or independent play. They should not require electronics, money or food. Your goal is to create this list of healthy activities they will choose from during the no screen time period, such as reading, drawing, coloring, playing, crafts, or even just going for a walk and exploring nature. And getting the kids to help you create this list will mean they'll be more likely to select the activity and go do it when the time comes. This works well often because when a youth is involved in decision-making activities, it satisfies their need to belong and feel valuable at home. The result is that they will be more likely to follow through on what was agreed by all involved.

What Should the Limitation Be?
Now you're ready to implement whatever your screen time limitation happens to be, on the previously determined date. You might be asking, "What should that limitation be?" If your kids previously had unlimited screen time, you can take one of two approaches: giving them a new total amount of daily time that they can use, such as 30 minutes or an hour each day, or you can carve out windows of screen-free time. In this later option, you could determine that screen time can occur from the moment they finish homework until dinner is served. Or you can say that screen time runs from 4:00 - 5:30 PM.

Whatever you decide, make it firm and be consistent. You could even have different limitations for different days of the week, such as 30 minutes of screen time during the week and 60 or 90 minutes on the weekend. Create charts to track screen time usage, but have your children keep the charts instead of you. You don't need one more thing to keep up with that you might forget about or drop. Leaving the tracking up to them is good, but stay in charge of the actual use. Have the kids turn phones and tablets into you for safe keeping, and if necessary, shut down your Wifi router during the no screen time.

What if Your Kids Can See Other Routers?
In my own home, this idea worked great until I discovered that my kids devices could see the neighbors routers as well as our own. We lived in a thickly settled area of town in which houses were close together. So I went to each of the nearby neighbors and asked them to please consider putting security on their routers so that my kids could not access their internet service. Because our kids had friends next door, I also asked that neighbor to please consider changing the router password often in case their kids were sharing the password with mine.

Preparing for the Change
Let's go back to the original question posted by the parent who visited my YouTube video. She included a concern about violent or abusive behavior that could result from the new time limitation. If you share this concern, then the answer is to minimize the limitation in the beginning and increase it over time. This will allow the kids to adapt to something they may see as unreasonable in the beginning. If you do have serious concern about how they might behave during the screen-free time, do what you can to get help or invite others into your home during these times to keep everyone safe.

Remember that frequent or constant screen time can easily become an addiction and attempting to stop an addiction suddenly and without warning, can cause the kids to not only experience withdrawal symptoms, but their anger and resentment could definitely trigger violent and/or verbal attacks. This factor alone is why it's important to introduce the change well in advance, and including the kids in the change, rather than just implementing a change as an autocratic adult, a method that doesn't work in today's society.

Some parents who decided to tackle this issue in their home have asked me how to keep these limitations in place when other adults are in charge or come to babysit, such as relatives, neighbors, grandparents or even just sitters. I suggest formalizing the new screen-free rules and educate any other direct-care providers who come to your home, or who watch your children in their own. You may get some resistance or a lack of cooperation from some who might disagree with your methodology. If you do, consider how important it is to use them in the direct care of your kids. If they are important, all you can do is ask for their cooperation with your rules and hope for the best.

Some Additional Thoughts
Finally, let me offer two additional things to consider: setting an example and encouragement. If you implement this change for the kids, set a good example by following your own guidelines. Stay off of your phone and away from your computer or tablet screen during the screen-free time periods. You'll get better results if the kids see you following your own advice. Better yet, participate with the kids in the alternate activities. What better way to bond with your kids than to read, play games, or take walks with them instead of being on a screen. Our kids are not the only ones who can benefit from screen-free times. And encourage your kids when they do comply with the new rule, by giving them lots of positive reinforcement to let them know how delighted you are with their cooperation.

Bill Corbett is the author of the award-winning book, Love, Limits & Lessons: A Parent's Guide to Raising Cooperative Kids. The book is now available as an audio book on both Amazon and Audible. Want to listen to it for FREE? Send an email to Bill and request a FREE download code for a limited time, to bill@cooperativekids.com.

Controlling Children's Toys, Screentime and Playtime??!!

A grandparent posted a comment on one of my social media channels. She said, "My dear grandchildren earn their toys and playtime and screen time with tickets. X number required for X activity or toy. Tickets taken away for sass or disobedience. Works like a charm. Helps kids learn to police themselves."

My response to her was this: "I'm delighted to hear that you found something that works for you with managing screen time, good for you. Screen time should be kept to no more that 30 - 60 mins. per day for young children. I am concerned however, that you are controlling healthy playtime. It is my opinion that playtime should be given automatically to children, as is oxygen and healthy food. Healthy, non screentime play is critical to a child's development and should not be controlled or withheld. Toys on the other hand, must be controlled because many children have too many. Too many toys can lead to anxiety and chaos."

"My children could only keep the number of large, easy to pick up toys, that could fit in a moderate size toybox in the playroom (not their bedroom). All others that did not fit were donated or thrown away. When they received new toys for birthdays or Christmas, they had to pick some toys to donate to a local charity. Any toys with many and/or small pieces were kept high on a shelf and my child had to ask permission to play with one of those. They did not get to have another one of these "many pieces" toys (Legos, hot wheels, army men, little pet sets, etc.) until the one they were playing with was picked up and put away."

What are your thoughts?

14 DAYS OF TIPS FOR DEMONSTRATING LOVE TO YOUR CHILD

DAY 4: BE AFFECTIONATE WITH YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER – Teach your children about love by expressing love for your significant other in front of them. Children who have healthy models of affection around them are likely to recreate in their adulthood what they witnessed as children. When your significant other and you argue or fight in front of the children, be sure and let the kids see the two of you makeup.

Get all 14 tips as they get published at http://www.facebook.com/cooperativekidz

4 Things to Help Children Dream BIG!

I watched my grandparents work every day of their lives, doing what they became good at and because it paid the bills. Whenever I tried to talk to them about what it might be like to do the work they REALLY loved, they would tell me that was what hobbies were for; a outlet for what you loved to do.

During his prime, my grandfather was a carpenter and

worked for a hard-to-please boss on a crew that built houses. When he wasn't slaving away for that task master, he loved to work in his basement workshop, being creative with wood. Of the many things he made by hand, the most beautiful were the hand carved ships wheels. He only made them for those he was close to and he never accepted money for them. I feel fortunate that I have one of those huge wheels mounted on the wall of my office and I think of him every time I look at it.

What do you dream of doing if you didn't have to go to work each day to make your living? Is there something that you love to do and wish you could do it full time? Have you already found it and spend your leisure time working on? Wouldn't you want your children to find that one thing they feel most passionate about and do it full time? Here are four things you can begin doing immediately as a parent to help your child DREAM BIG.

Let them explore. Encourage your children to try new things by giving them opportunities to try them out. Avoid putting pressure on them to succeed and focus more on the experience of different activities.

Speak of abundance and avoid scarcity. You want your children to know that anyone can do anything they put their minds to. Avoid mentioning that your family doesn't have the means, supplies or money to do things. Allow them to help you come up with ideas for doing the things they love to do.

Create a vision board or dream book. Purchase composition books for yourself and your children and have them draw pictures in the book that represent what they want to acquire or experience. Allow them to cut out pictures from old magazines to paste into their dream book. Teach them to add a new entry in images or text whenever they have a thought about something they dream of.

Find movies and books that illustrate someone who dreamed big. Watch movies with your children or read books to them in which the main characters dreamed big and made it all happen. You want them to know that anything is possible if you dream it, think about it, illustrate it and see it often enough.

They say that those who dream big and then follow those dreams will live longer, live happier, and attract healthy, supportive people into their lives. What parent wouldn't want this for their children? Now you know what it takes to help your child begin their journey toward dreaming big!

Bill Corbett has a degree in clinical psychology and has been chosen to deliver the keynote address at a large education conference in Holland this Fall.  He is happily married with three grown children, three grandchildren, and three step children, and resides in Connecticut.  You can visit his Web site http://billcorbett.com for further information.

Do You Get to Know the Parents of Your Child's Friends?

If you don't, you should. It is every parent's responsibility to get to know their children's friends, including the parents of those friends. This is especially important if you allow your children to go to their friends' homes to play or hangout. Doing so provides clues as to how safe your child will be in their home and whether there will be positive or negative things that could  influence your children while they're in the care of these other adults.

One day, a father dropping off his daughter to play with ours, immediately began backing out of the driveway after his little girl got out of the car. I quickly approached the car to introduce myself and without saying a word, he rolled down the window and just stared at me. I was stunned when he responded in a manner that said, "So what." He reluctantly said his name and quickly drove away. I could not believe that he was dropping his sweet little 9-year-old daughter off at a house he had never been inside of, nor met the adults who live there! 

How could a parent be so trusting or not care enough to want to know what kinds of things or activities his daughter might see or experience while at that home? Lucky for him, my wife and I are trusting, caring and responsible parents, but what if we weren't? Why does it seem that so few parents take the time and effort to check out the adults who will be responsible for their child's safety and care?

One day my 7-year-old son revealed that he was watching R-rated HBO movies on a large screen TV in the bedroom of one of his neighborhood playmates. I was shocked and told him that I would need to speak with his mother before he could go back over to that home to play with his friend. 

A few days later, I saw that boys mom outside, working in the garden. I approached her and revealed what I had learned. I shouldn't have been surprised when she reacted in a way that told me she didn't see a problem with it. She then uttered two very classic but annoying statements: "Boys will be boys," and "They are going to see it all somewhere so why not let them see it in their own home."

Today's progressive entertainment industry has made it known that they are not responsible for what our children see and hear. They are in the business to make money and to sell what many adults want to buy. Many parents are in denial that they themselves are responsible for managing what their children are exposed to. And if they aren't in denial, then they just haven't yet come to terms with this responsibility, a responsibility their parents didn't have. These two factors alone have contributed to the inappropriate accelerated maturity of our children.

Bill Corbett has a degree in clinical psychology and has been chosen to deliver the keynote

address at a large education conference in Holland this Fall.  He is happily married with three grown children, three grandchildren, and three step children, and resides in Enfield, CT.  You can see his published books by CLICKING THIS LINK.

How To Make It Up To Your Child When You Make A Mistake

If you haven't snapped at your child, forgotten something you were suppose to do for them, arrived late for a recital or game, dropped the ball on a promise, or made a parenting decision you regretted, then you aren't human. We parents are often stressed, busy, over worked, forgetful and tired and we make mistakes.

I remember too well saying something like, "I know I said I'd take you _____________, but I'm really busy and have to get _____________ done before dinner tonight." And then there are the painful incidents in which I snapped or yelled when caught off guard or noticed something written on with crayon or broken, and automatically thinking about how much that item cost or what I'm going to have to spend to fix, clean or replace an item.

Austrian neurologist and the father of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, taught us that we have automatic systems in place that defend our ego from being hurt by guilt and fear. When we parents get angry toward our children, it's a way of protecting our ego from feeling guilty that we mismanaged our schedule and didn't show up on time, or that we forgot something that was important to our children. It's also occurs when we think about having to pay out money that was not in the budget and we're already over extended financially.

When we find ourselves in this situation, we must calm down and breath. A few deep breaths will help us manage our emotions and see the situation for what it really is; not quite as serious as we had ourselves believing. If we're able to, it works remarkably well to see the situation from our child or teen's perspective. I remember my teenage son coming how with a dent in the family car and how driven I felt to keep asking why and how in an angry tone.

So when you do something like the things I listed in the first paragraph that could have been avoided, be ready to provide a MAKEUP to them. Providing a makeup means offering something to your child that you will do as a way of making up for the mistake you made. You would say, "Wow sweetheart, I am so sorry that I forgot about taking you to the mall as I had promised. I owe you a makeup."

The next step is to offer something as that makeup and here is an important ground rule: it should not include buying them an object. The ideal makeups should be about spending time together without technology or money. They should be walks in the park, dates, playing table games, or crafting. Make believe tea parties would be great for little children and "hanging out" together to play catch in the backyard  would be appropriate for a teenager.

It is extremely important that the adult who made the mistake must be the one to determine the makeup, not the victim. And not only does this work well with kids, it also applies to handling mistakes with significant others as well!


Bill Corbett has a degree in clinical psychology and has been chosen to deliver the keynote address at a large education conference in Holland this Fall.  He is happily married with three grown children, three grandchildren, and three step children, and resides in Enfield, CT.  You can visit his Web site www.CooperativeKids.com for further information and parenting advice.

When Your Child Doesn't Get an Invitation

Following one of my parent workshops, a woman related an incident in which another parent called her at home to scold her for not inviting her child to a birthday party. The woman relating the story was floored that she would get such a call and asked me what I thought about that. My initial thoughts were two things: it's so hard to see our children feeling left out and how much more parenting help the woman who called, needs.

Stepping up on behalf of your child is one thing, but over stepping boundaries to protect them unnecessarily is another. That mother should never have made that call and I at least hope that her child did not know that she was making it. If so, that woman's child may grow expecting someone else to always solve their problems and they may even lack the ability to handle disappointment and other difficult emotions.

So what do you do if your child is left sitting on a bench at the game or off the list of a party? The two most important things is to use the best listening skills you can conjure up and affirm your child's feelings in that moment. Avoid telling your child that she shouldn't feel that way and don't try to make it all better. A child processing their own feelings is a huge step in self-soothing and problem-solving.

One day when I picked my young daughter up from school, she was crying and said that a certain girl wasn't her friend anymore. I remember how difficult it was to see her hurting and I had difficulty fighting the urge to find a way to make it up to her. But I remembered my own childhood, how friends could change in an instant and for no obvious reason.

I let her cry it out and asked lots of open-ended questions to get her to talk about it. I wanted her to know that I was there for her and ready to listen. By the time we arrived at our destination, the tears had subsided and I was amazed to hear her sooth herself by saying that she still had a few other friends in her class. She even talked about having some play time with those other friends.

In addition to letting them vent, it's equally important to let a child know that what they are feeling is OK and that it's normal. Avoid talking too much in the beginning, but when they are ready to listen, validate their feelings with phrases like, "It must have really hurt your feelings when you didn't get an invitation," or "Wow, you must have been so disappointed." I found it helpful to offer examples from my own life when I experienced disappointment or hurt, being sure to use stories that she could comprehend.

In summary, don't rescue, don't try to "make things all better", and don't minimize the experience. Instead, be present, be silent, and be encouraging. Allow your child to experience life!

Bill Corbett has a degree in clinical psychology and has been invited to deliver the keynote address at a large education conference in Holland this Fall. He is happily married with three grown children, three grandchildren, and three step children and resides in Enfield, CT. You can visit his Web site www.CooperativeKids.com for further information and parenting advice.

10 Things To Do With Children Who Don’t Take Disappointment Well

Eight year old David is playing a board game with his sister. Everything is going along well until the girl wins. David gets mad and a meltdown ensues. In another common scenario, five year old Sarah is watching a cartoon on her mother’s iPad. Mom tells Sarah that it’s time to leave and she shuts off the iPad. Sarah throws herself on the floor and begins screaming.

Before I go further with this problem, please take note that this or any of my other articles are not substitutes for family therapy. They contain basic parenting advice for common situations. If your child is demonstrating serious challenging behaviors it is always a good idea to seek out the advice of a behavior health professional. Start with your child’s pediatrician to determine appropriate next steps.

From toddler to school age, the kind of behavior I described in the first paragraph can drive parents nuts. Their first response is often scolding, sympathy, or even lecturing. I’ve seen many parents go right to the child and begin rationalizing with them that their response to the loss or the end of an activity was unnecessary and over the top. The parents mean well as they try to reason with the upset child that it’s “no big deal,” or that there will be a next time.

But trying to change a child’s perspective in the heat of the moment while they are experiencing intense emotion is usually a waste of time. What’s most important in that moment is (1.) for you to remain calm and quiet, (2.) sooth or comfort the child if you can, and (3.) keep them safe from harm caused by the physical aspect of their outburst. The better time to reason with a child is (4.) after the emotion has subsided and they can actually hear you and think clearly.

The actual causes of this kind of behavior could be many. From personality trait, temperament, a lack of parental boundaries, or even physiological influences such as hunger and fatigue. It could also be just a phase the child is going through at the moment. The most important thing you can do as a parent is (5.) to learn the patterns of when this sort of behavior occurs. Take note of what the activity was, the time of day, and any events just prior to the explosive-like behavior. Keeping a (6.) journal will help if you decide to seek help from a therapist or counselor.

Use this information to (7.) plan your child’s activities to minimize the outbursts. Stay one step ahead of them by (8.) setting up clear boundaries for your child with visual limitations on play. (9.) Invite your child to help you determine how long an activity will occur and plan out transitions between activities by including your child in the planning stages. Visual timers and schedules work well because your child can see who much time is left before transition occurs, or they can see the activities that will be taking place.

Finally, (10.) provide encouragement when your child does not get angry at an outcome. Bring their attention to how well they transitioned and ask them open-ended questions that lead them to their own conclusion about how things turned out.

Bill Corbett has a degree in clinical psychology and has been invited to deliver the keynote address at a large education conference in Holland this Fall.  He is happily married with three grown children, three grandchildren, and three step children and resides in Enfield, CT.  You can visit his Web site www.CooperativeKids.com for further information and parenting advice.

Four Steps for Becoming a Happier Parent (and Teacher)

Do you consider yourself to be a happy parent? Have you ever asked another adult in your life if they think you are? It might be interesting to see how others perceive you. What about your children, would they say that you’re a happy parent?

Many parents are not happy, just look around you at the grocery store or at the playground. You may even have noticed parents in your own extended family, snapping at their children or speaking to them in a demanding tone. And many may have good reason to act this way, with heavier demands from their jobs, difficulty paying bills, or additional pressures taking care of other family members.

Unhappy parents end up raising unhappy children, so there is an impact to others from your own unhappiness. If you feel that you could use a HAPPINESS TUNEUP as a parent, here are 4 things you can begin doing immediately to bring on a more positive change.

STOP CONTROLLING THE OUTCOME. It can become too easy to over extend your reach

in ensuring that everything about your child turns out perfect, such as homework, school work, attire, friendships, play activities, how they eat their meal, arrangement of their bedroom, and more. Resist the urge to create perfect outcomes every time and believe in the LAW OF ALLOWING others be who they are and do what they want.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. When was the last time you went to a movie by yourself in the middle of the afternoon, just because? Or how long ago did you buy yourself a brand new set of sheets for your bed? In my parenting class, I sometimes offer my parents a handout that lists 100 nontraditional ways of taking care of yourself. Author Cheryl Richardson often writes about the ART OF SELF-CARE and how we sometimes avoid doing it because it would make someone else unhappy.

LISTEN MORE THAN SPEAK. One of the most powerful methods for living a more peaceful life and creating stronger relationships is to speak less and listen more. Let’s face it; unhappy parents talk too much. They are too quick to answer their children’s questions, tell loved ones what to do, and bark orders to get things done quickly or efficiently. When one takes the time to pause before responding, magic happens: we actually get to hear what the other person says, the other person feels loved and heard, and the energy in the space at that moment subsides.

DON’T TAKE ON SOMEONE ELSE’S BURDENS. Every problem that arises has one owner. When a problem appears, ask yourself, “Who REALLY owns this problem?” If your child owns it, be ready to listen and help them problem solve. If you own the problem, be ready to act. We were created to solve our own problems. Taking on someone else’s problem overburdens us and weakens them.

Bill Corbett has a degree in clinical psychology and is the author of the award winning book “Love, Limits, & Lessons: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Cooperative Kids,” in English and in Spanish.  He is a professional speaker and trainer, and will deliver the keynote at a national conference in Holland in September 2015. Bill is happily married with three grown children, three grandchildren, and three step children and resides in Enfield, CT.  You can visit his Web site www.CooperativeKids.com for further information and parenting advice.

Seven Valentine’s Day Ideas to Do for Your Child, Any Time of the Year

Forget the expensive chocolates and sugar candies for your child this Valentine’s Day. Use the reason for the season and demonstrate love for your child without spending much money. Here are seven ideas of things you can do in the days leading up to that special day.


Hide Love Notes or Surprises – Toddlers to teens love to be surprised. Hide a small valentine, an encouraging note, or a small valentine chocolate somewhere for them to find each day leading up to Valentine’s Day. Get creative and mix it up.  You could also leave a note each day in one place that contains clues to helping them find what you’ve hidden.

Plan a Party – Help your child plan a V-Day party with all of their friends. For one activity at the party, provide a personalized mailbox (or bag) for each child. On blank slips of paper, have each child write down words that describe what they like about each of the other kids, one child per slip of paper. They will deposit them in each other’s mailboxes.

Schedule a Date – Schedule a special Valentine date with each of your children. Put it on your calendar and tell your child so they will have something to look forward to. Scheduling in these dates ahead of time ensures they will happen. Then everything else that is less important can fill in around them. Why not schedule a date with your significant other as well?  Do this every Sunday night for the week to come.

Frame a Picture of the Two of You – Take a picture of you and your child, frame it, and then give it to your child to put in his or her room on the dresser or night table.  If you have more than one child, create one for each of them.  For an older child, put a picture of the two of you in a locket that the child can wear.  This will also help calm a child who feels anxious when being away from the parent.

Have a Special Movie Night – Have a movie night with your child(ren), complete with big pillows to snuggle up with and a big bowl of popcorn. The one difference in making this night special is that the movie being featured will be the home movies you have of your child(ren)!

Make Mailboxes – In a family meeting have everyone make and decorate a mailbox using any household craft items.  On slips of paper, have everyone write short love notes to everyone at the table as a practice run and then insert them in the appropriate mailboxes.  Have everyone hang their mailboxes on their bedroom door knobs for accepting mail whenever someone desires to write a note.

Compose a Poem for Your Child – Compose a poem about your child or describing how much you love her. Print if off on special preprinted paper with a border that can be purchased at office supply stores. Frame it and hang it on your child’s bedroom wall. You could even include the child’s picture or her foot or handprints if you had them done earlier. Sign it and read it to her nightly.

Bill Corbett has a degree in clinical psychology and is the author of the award winning book “Love, Limits, & Lessons: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Cooperative Kids,” in English and in Spanish.  He is happily married with three grown children, three grandchildren, and three step children and resides in Enfield, CT.  You can visit his Web site www.CooperativeKids.com for further information and parenting advice.

Five New Years Resolutions for Teachers in 2015

RESOLUTION#1 - Refrain from using a loud voice
Children learn how to communicate by the models teachers set for them. As often as possible, when you need your children’s attention or cooperation, get to their eye level and speak in a calm and respectful tone. The more often you do this, the more likely you are to create peace and calmness in your classroom and your children will do the same.

RESOLUTION#2 – Use the word COOPERATION often

When you need your children to comply, initiate it by announcing, “I need your cooperation.”  When they follow through, thank them for cooperating with you.  When they need you do something for them, confirm their request by saying, “Oh… you need my cooperation.  I’d love to cooperate with you.”  Use that word in association with requests from other adults in the school so the kids will see it often.

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RESOLUTION#3 – Let go and avoid controlling the outcome all the time

We’re constantly trying to get so much done in so little time and on schedule.  When children move too slow or don’t put a piece of clothing on correctly, it annoys us and we take over to have things according to our desire.  At least once a day, let something a child does be the way she did it.  Avoid correcting her, re-doing something, taking over for her, or arranging all the outcomes.

RESOLUTION#4 – Celebrate moments of independence

You’re getting ready to leave the classroom and you noticed that one child has buttoned her own jacket but the buttons are misaligned.  Or she put her coat on by herself but it’s inside out. For just once, avoid correcting the situation. Don’t re-button her jacket or adjust her sweater. Instead, make a big deal of what she did on her own. You can adjust things later but for the moment, celebrate her self-sufficiency.

How to Create Calmer Classrooms

RESOLUTION#5 – Stay calm when a child begins to argue

When a child becomes persistent in trying to convince us of something, we can easily get pulled into an emotional debate. Sometimes our own older children who feel they can approach us about anything and know they are being heard, consider their relationship with us stronger. Commit to not getting angry in these moments and be there 100%. If the child (or your own) has made a good case, give in once in a while if appropriate.  If you’ve had enough of the bantering, end it calmly and walk away. Know that it’s normal behavior.

Bill Corbett has a degree in clinical psychology and is the author of the award winning book “Love, Limits, & Lessons: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Cooperative Kids,” in English and in Spanish.  He is happily married with three grown children, three grandchildren, and three step children and resides in Connecticut.  You can visit his Web site www.CooperativeKids.com for further information and parenting advice.

Here's a Unique Gift to Give to Yourself This Holiday Season

Christmas is upon us and many of us are thinking about the gifts we want to give to others. But before you hit the shopping mall, think about taking care of yourself first. Remember those instructions from the flight attendant about putting your own oxygen mask on before you assist someone in your care? So what sort of gift could you give to yourself? I have one to offer up and when you receive it from yourself, it can have devastating positive lasting results.  I’m talking about emotional health here!

One night, my wife and I were leaving a holiday social event. We couldn't help but share with each other on the drive home, the lingering feelings we had after listening to a few other couples, bicker with each other and complaining to the rest of us. None of them had anything encouraging to say and the experience made us want to leave. That’s the night several years ago that we decided together on two very important gifts for each other going forward.

Our first important decision was to surround ourselves only with encouraging and supportive people. Over the next few days we began ‘cleaning house’ by listing all the adults in our lives who we felt were toxic. These are the people who complained and berated others, bickered with each other in front of others, and the ‘doubting Thomas’ who usually tell you every reason why your new idea won’t work.

The second thing we did was to promise each other to always speak respectfully and kind to each other, not only in front of the kids, but out in public as well. This was especially important if the other was absent. We promised never to air any issues we have with each other in public and to address them in private. This included not making each other the butt of a joke or busting on each other in humiliating or embarrassing ways.

To cultivate a relationship and life as good parents (and teachers), it’s critical to remain

positive, encouraging and to always focus on gratitude for all of the gifts that appear in our lives each day. Steer clear of the ‘crabs’ that will always try and pull you down to join them in their misery or misfortune, and to pass this all on to our kids. So here are some additional guidelines we came up with for ourselves.

1. Surround ourselves with positive and encouraging people. This was a difficult task to perform, limiting who we would invite to social events. Unfortunately, it meant eliminating some family members!

2. Add statements of gratitude to our blessings before family meals. Take notice of all the little things that others did for us and recognize the gifts that appeared in our day that helped us in some way.

3. Send out hand-written thank you notes (not emails) each week to anyone who helped us solve a challenge or provided service to us in some capacity.
As adults raising (and teaching) children, we owe it to them to understand the difference between encouragement and discouragement and how to manifest what they need to develop their own resiliency.

Bill Corbett has a degree in clinical psychology and is the author of the award winning book “Love, Limits, & Lessons: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Cooperative Kids,” in English and in Spanish.  He is happily married with three grown children, two grandchildren, three step children, and lives in Enfield.  You can visit his Web site www.CooperativeKids.com for further information and parenting advice.

Creating Your Parenting Team

When a parent comes to me for help with their kids and tells me about their challenges, my first step is to ask questions about this family’s situation. The information they share with me usually sheds some light on circumstances that may be contributing toward, or causing at least some of the challenges this parent is currently experiencing.

Some of those circumstances include the current condition of the relationship of the parents of the children; fighting, arguing, separation, divorce, etc. These situations factor in because children are affected directly by the adult emotional chaos that may be happening in the home or around the kids. Here are some suggestions for parenting more as a team, regardless of any issues that have come between the adults.

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Agree together on how various situations will be handled with the children, and implement them with conviction. You won’t have answers to all situations but you can begin discussing with each other how you will both handle common ones to start. When new situations arise unexpectedly, discuss them in private away from the kids and then announce them jointly.

If you’re just getting ready to start a family, it’s never too early to discuss parenting issues. Make time to discuss your values and beliefs in parenting and children rearing with your significant other, and share your experiences on how you were parented as a child. Take a parenting class to learn together and seek recommendations on good parenting books from family and friends.

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Always speak respectfully of other caregivers who share with you, the responsibility for caring for your children. This includes your spouse, the other parent, grandparents and other relatives. Doing so models integrity for the kids to learn from. Even though the other caregiver may have done something to hurt you or others, as long as they are sharing in the caregiving, your child(ren) may still see them as a hero and an adult to look up to.

It’s not always possible to hide arguments from the kids and some experts suggest that you don’t. It’s definitely OK for your kids to know that you both don’t always agree, but refrain from mistreating the other adult verbally or physically. It’s important to know that your children will learn how to develop their own relationships with others, based on the model you present. If the argument begins to escalate, take it to another room for privacy. It’s also important that your children see the “makeup” after the argument subsides.

And what if you’re a single parent? Create a support network made up of adults you trust with your children who can help give you the breaks you need to “recharge your batteries.” For single moms, engage trustworthy male relatives to spend time with your son(s) and for single dads, engage female relatives you trust to spend time with your daughters. And it’s great when your boyfriend and/or girlfriend bonds with your children, but they should not administer discipline. That’s reserved for you, the parent.

Bill Corbett has a degree in clinical psychology and is the author of the award winning book “Love, Limits, & Lessons: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Cooperative Kids,” in English and in Spanish.  He is happily married with three grown children, two grandchildren, three step children, and lives in Enfield.  You can visit his Web site www.CooperativeKids.com for further information and parenting advice.

Why Dads Don't Take Parenting Classes

A young intern working on a research project contacted me to ask me a few questions about dads, parenting classes and getting them to engage more with their kids. He told me that his team at the University of Wisconsin-Madison was developing intervention programs to support fathers and to find the best ways of engaging them in programs.

He implied there was a belief that men don’t like to take parenting classes and they were trying to find out why. I shared with him that I do occasionally get some dads who contact me for parent coaching or even some who show up at my parenting classes, but mostly it’s the moms who aren't afraid to seek out help.

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One of the questions he asked me was, do I interact differently with women as opposed to men in my coaching sessions. I told him that a large part of my training with parents is to help them understand the emotional intelligence aspect of their child and if their emotional needs aren’t met, there is likely to be less cooperation and more misbehavior. Moms get the emotional intelligence of parenting more easily than dads do. Therefore I have to engage the fathers in other ways.

So he asked me if I use different teaching methods when I have men in the sessions. I told him that we men tend to be more visual learners and therefore, I use more video demonstrations or role play to create common situations they may find at home with their kids.

Next he asked me, “What concerns do fathers tend to bring up in contrast to those brought up by mothers?” My answer to that was that women seem to bring up more questions that involve relationships, feelings, and communication. Men on the other hand seem to ask more questions about day-to-day cooperation, following through with tasks, and examining children’s skills and abilities.
His last question was about why dads seem to be less interested in parenting classes.

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Based on dads that I’ve spoken to, some men feel that it is a sign of weakness to admit that you need help in parenting and just do the best they can, while others believe that parenting and discipline is more of a woman’s job and just leave it all to them. There is one more group of dads I’ve noticed who have the “I gave at the office” mentality. In other words, they believe they work hard all day long and disciplining the kids should not be one of their responsibilities when they get home.

To women who want to know how to get their husbands on board to help more with the kids, or to get them to join you at parenting classes, here are some quick tips. Communicate what you want from your partner clearly and don’t assume anything. DO NOT criticize him when he makes an attempt to discipline and he fails (instead encourage him), especially in front of the kids. Finally, make the effort to have private conversations with him to get on the ‘same page’ with parenting before handling certain situations with the kids.

Bill Corbett has a degree in clinical psychology and is the author of the award winning book “Love, Limits, & Lessons: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Cooperative Kids,” in English and in Spanish.  He is happily married with three grown children, two grandchildren, three step children, and lives in Enfield.  You can visit his Web site www.CooperativeKids.com for further information and parenting advice.

Do You Accept These Gifts as a Teacher, or Reject Them?

On parent night at my child’s school, I overheard someone compliment a teacher on the way her classroom was decorated. The teacher's response to the compliment was a remark that it was nothing special and that she had used the theme once before.

Have you ever given someone a compliment, only to have the other person tell you that she got it off the clearance rack at a local clothing store? How did her reply make you feel in that moment? Did you feel energized to provide more or did you feel a sudden let down that your compliment was a waste of time and not accepted?

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As a teacher, how often do you compliment your paraprofessional or your director? What about your own children or your significant other? Sometimes it seems like we give more compliments to others than we do to our own family. And what about you; what do you say when someone compliments you, something you did to your classroom, or your outfit? Have you noticed that you too provide a response that minimizes the gift you just received?

I think we do this because something in our subconscious takes over to reduce the attention we are suddenly getting, or it may even reveal how we really feel about our outfit or our classroom at the moment. But I ask you to consider what the other person may be feeling, the person who just gave you a gift.

What about when someone gives you an idea for your classroom? Do you immediately think of the stress it will cause, the work it will take, what won't get done if you take this on, the money it will take to do it, the time it will take away from other things, and on and on and on? Do you then tell the idea-giver why it won’t work or why you can’t take another thing on? Are you an idea-generator and find yourself thinking up and offering ideas to others? How does it make you feel when the idea you've given the other person is rejected?  

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I don't blame those who reject compliments or ideas, as I use to feel the same things when others gave them to me. But I learned to adapt to the fact that when someone gives me a compliment, they are taking the time to give me a gift. And if it’s an idea, they are just giving me information that I can choose on my own to take action on or ignore. It’s all up to me; it’s just information.

When someone gives you a gift, you might immediately think about the fact that you really don't like it. But I ask you to consider being gracious and say thank you and look like we are thankful. I do my best to do the same thing with ideas; see them as gifts. I've learned to remain quiet, listen, and then say “Isn't that interesting, thanks for the idea.” I often times write down these ideas because I may think differently about them at a later time.

Remember, whether someone gives you a compliment, an idea or feedback, it’s all just information that you are free to do anything you want with. But smile and say “Thank You” for the gift you just received.

Bill Corbett has a degree in clinical psychology and is the author of the award winning book “Love, Limits, & Lessons: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Cooperative Kids,” in English and in Spanish.  He is happily married with three grown children, two grandchildren, three step children, and lives in Connecticut.  You can visit his Web site www.CooperativeKids.com for further information and parenting advice.