How to Teach Kids to Care

I hear parents complain that their kids don’t appreciate what they have. So much is available to our kids today that it’s hard for them to imagine being without. Then when they push their parents for more, it triggers a feeling of resentment for the parents as they think about all they’ve done and provided for their kids so far.

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My own kids occasionally threw in the, “All my friends have an (insert anyone of these here: iPhone, TV, Xbox, Six Flags pass, etc.), why can’t I have one?” It’s common for them to think that every other child has what they want, even though it may not be true. Remain calm when they make these claims and stand firm in your position to not cave at their demands.

Instead of reminding your children of all that you’ve bought or done for them, let their cries for more stuff be your reminder to get them involved in something that gives to others. From food banks, to pet adoption groups, to the Salvation Army and churches, all communities have opportunities for individuals, families and even children to volunteer in service to others.

There is no better way to teach your children the act of giving then to do it right alongside them. Avoid dropping your kids off with an organization for them to volunteer, unless it’s an organization that is specific to youth participation. You are the primary and most important teacher for your children so roll your sleeves up and get in there with them to participate. 

I read a news story recently, featuring a 16-year-old boy in Rhode Island who started a project of providing brand new donated shoes to homeless children. In the four years it’s been running, he’s provided 16,000 pairs across 32 states. The article in People magazine included testimony from recipients of this giving organization’s gifts to families.

And where did this admirable young man get the notion to start such a wonderful organization? His parents took him to a homeless shelter when he was five years old. When he realized that his light-up sneakers did not compare to the shoes worn by the homeless children, which were falling apart, that experience remained with him and influenced his actions as he approached the teen years.

As the story supports, telling your children about those who are less fortunate than they are, may not be enough to matter. When I was a child, I remember my elders warning me about all the children that were starving in foreign countries, in hopes of getting me to eat my dinner. Providing an experience for your children in seeing and hearing from those less fortunate can make all the difference.

One final thought on this matter of teaching children and teens to care. Suppose there are some things that you do want to provide for them. Instead of running out and making an instant purchase, consider a dollar-for-dollar matching initiative if they have the means to earn money. Or at the very least, put limitations on when and how long they can use the item. Delayed gratification is something more children need to experience to appreciate what they do and do not have.

 

Bill Corbett has a degree in clinical psychology and is the author of the award winning book “Love, Limits, & Lessons: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Cooperative Kids,” in English and in Spanish.  He is happily married with three grown children, two grandchildren, and three step children.  You can visit his Web site www.CooperativeKids.com for further information and parenting advice.

Handling Aggressive Behavior in Young Children

First Comfort the Victim.  The next time you witness younger children fighting or hurting one another, your first response should be to comfort the victim without pity or drama.  If possible, you should also include the aggressive child in comforting of the victim.  Ask him to retrieve a cloth, a blanket, or even a drink of water if it's appropriate.  Be sure to use a quiet, calm and respectful tone as you take control.  Your immediate feelings may involve anger or frustration toward the aggressive child, but maintain control and stay calm.  Once the drama has cooled and the victim is cared for, take the aggressive child aside and remind him calmly and respectfully about boundaries and acceptable behavior.  This more peaceful response to the situation will provide an outstanding model and learning tool for both children.  

What is Bullying?  Bullying is any form of physical, emotional, or verbal mistreatment in which one holds an unequal power over another, purposely and repeatedly with the intent to hurt or humiliate.  A bully can be one tough kid harassing someone who is different in some way.  A bully’s behavior can be as simple as name-calling or as serious as confrontation resulting in injury.  No child is ever exempt from being picked on by a bully at some point in his life, and neither are adults.  In a recent study released by the American Medical Association, it was estimated that 3.2 million children are victims of bullying each year.  Being able to defend oneself when attacked by a bully requires both courage and skill – traits you can begin instilling in your child at any age.  

Teach Them How Not To Be A Target.  A bully’s common target is someone who demonstrates a lack of confidence and exhibits characteristics of weakness or insecurity.  Teach your children to stand tall, use a full voice, look the other child directly in the eyes, and exhibit confidence when stating what they want.  If your child does this, it will help to reduce the risk of being targeted by an aggressive child.  You can teach this to your child by modeling it yourself.  The most effective way of teaching children a new behavior is to role-play with them.  Allow them to see what the behavior looks like by modeling it for them, then allowing them to practice.  A child who stands, acts with and speaks with confidence is less likely to become a target of a bully.

Teach your children.  Teach them that they have the power to stop anyone from touching them, hurting them, or taking their things.  One of the most effective actions you can teach your child is described in many self-defense and confidence courses.  Stand tall and erect, and distribute weight evenly on both feet.  Hold your head high, extend their hand straight out in front of them with their flat palm toward the other child, saying “STOP!” in a loud and strong voice.  A bully halted in his or her tracks by a child drawing a clear, personal, physical or emotional boundary is more likely to walk away, often even respecting a child who had represented a potential victim.

Bill Corbett is the author of the award-winning parenting book series, LOVE, LIMITS, & LESSONS: A PARENT'S GUIDE TO RAISING COOPERATIVE KIDS (in English and in Spanish) and the executive producer and host of the public access television show CREATING COOPERATIVE KIDS. As a member of the American Psychological Association and the North American Society for Adlerian Psychology, Bill provides parent coaching and keynote presentations to parent and professional audiences across the country. He sits on the board of the Network Against Domestic Abuse and the Resource Advisory Committee for Attachment Parenting International, and holds several degrees in clinical psychology. Bill's practical experience comes as a father of 3 grown children, a grandfather of two, and a stepdad to three.  You can learn more about his work at http://www.CooperativeKids.com and http://www.BillCorbett.com.