Help! My Kid Will Scream if I Limit His Screen Time!

Breaking Kids' Addiction to Screen Time

What if a parent realizes the importance of limiting screen time for kids, and admits she didn't take measures to set up boundaries at home? Is it too late? I say, not at all, but there are two things the parent must take into consideration: implementing the limitations gradually and being prepared to deal with challenging behavior that may result from the change in boundaries.

Why Screen Time is Bad for Kids
Experts agree that too much screen time is bad for kids for two reasons: it affects the frontal lobe of the brain and it can become a digital addiction. The frontal lobe is in constant construction until around the age of 25 is responsible for many important cognitive skills, such as judgment and managing emotions, both things we need our youth to develop effectively and on time, and at the very least to keep themselves and others safe.

According to the publication Psychology Today, excessive screen time damages brain function, both in white matter and gray matter. Writers of the magazine say that just holding your Smartphone can make it harder to think. It can also impact your individual safety. Last year, the number of pedestrian fatalities jumped by 11 percent, due to an increase in distracted driving and texting while walking.
When it comes to kids who get too much screen time for connecting with others, their social interactions primarily take place through texts or social media posts, causing them to fail to develop important skills. Stephanie Marcy, clinical psychologist at Children’s Hospital Los Angeles, says that some of these critical skills include reading facial expressions, tone of voice and other social cues.

Internet safety experts agree that the later children get smart phones, the better. The New York Times reports that maturity helps them cope better with bullies, online predators and sexting. Delaying giving kids handheld, internet-enable devices is even better than just minimizing or controlling how much time they get to use them each day. But for many reasons, a lot of parents aren't willing to hold off making these purchases for their kids.

Limiting Screen Time
Let's go back to the idea of introducing limitations to screen time and devices. This very question was posted on one of my YouTube videos and my first recommendation to the parent was to introduce a time limitation change in the use of screen time, well in advance of implementing it. What I suggested is to allow the kids to hear about it and prepare mentally. Announce what the initial change will consist of and let them help you come up with the date by taking turns at offering up the date. Be ready for some push back though. knowing that kids may try to push off or delay this undesirable change, they may say something like, "Let's start this next year." 

Including Kids in the Change
If what they offer is unacceptable to you, simply thank them politely for the offer and then state that you're NOT WILLING to wait that long, and come up with your own date. If they should object to that date, allow them to offer another reasonable date, and do this over and over, going back and forth, until you both can agree on an acceptable date. If you're unable to agree on the date, stop the discussion and try it again at a later time. This is a process that can be utilized in families in many other situations: setting up rules, where to go on vacation, establishing consequences and especially in the next step of this process.

Once the date is determined, post it on the refrigerator or wherever family events or appointments are posted. The next step is to get the kids to help come up with things they will do during the new; SCREEN-FREE TIME periods.  Let them help you develop a list by getting them to take turns with you in offering up ideas. Reduce the chances of having to reject something they offer because doing so could alienate the child or foster uncooperativeness. To do this, you can set up parameters for the things that go on the list, such as whether it includes things that cost money or require leaving the house.

Weaning Them Off of Screen Time
The main idea of this exercise is to have them come up with simple

things that engage the child's creativity, learning, or independent play. They should not require electronics, money or food. Your goal is to create this list of healthy activities they will choose from during the no screen time period, such as reading, drawing, coloring, playing, crafts, or even just going for a walk and exploring nature. And getting the kids to help you create this list will mean they'll be more likely to select the activity and go do it when the time comes. This works well often because when a youth is involved in decision-making activities, it satisfies their need to belong and feel valuable at home. The result is that they will be more likely to follow through on what was agreed by all involved.

What Should the Limitation Be?
Now you're ready to implement whatever your screen time limitation happens to be, on the previously determined date. You might be asking, "What should that limitation be?" If your kids previously had unlimited screen time, you can take one of two approaches: giving them a new total amount of daily time that they can use, such as 30 minutes or an hour each day, or you can carve out windows of screen-free time. In this later option, you could determine that screen time can occur from the moment they finish homework until dinner is served. Or you can say that screen time runs from 4:00 - 5:30 PM.

Whatever you decide, make it firm and be consistent. You could even have different limitations for different days of the week, such as 30 minutes of screen time during the week and 60 or 90 minutes on the weekend. Create charts to track screen time usage, but have your children keep the charts instead of you. You don't need one more thing to keep up with that you might forget about or drop. Leaving the tracking up to them is good, but stay in charge of the actual use. Have the kids turn phones and tablets into you for safe keeping, and if necessary, shut down your Wifi router during the no screen time.

What if Your Kids Can See Other Routers?
In my own home, this idea worked great until I discovered that my kids devices could see the neighbors routers as well as our own. We lived in a thickly settled area of town in which houses were close together. So I went to each of the nearby neighbors and asked them to please consider putting security on their routers so that my kids could not access their internet service. Because our kids had friends next door, I also asked that neighbor to please consider changing the router password often in case their kids were sharing the password with mine.

Preparing for the Change
Let's go back to the original question posted by the parent who visited my YouTube video. She included a concern about violent or abusive behavior that could result from the new time limitation. If you share this concern, then the answer is to minimize the limitation in the beginning and increase it over time. This will allow the kids to adapt to something they may see as unreasonable in the beginning. If you do have serious concern about how they might behave during the screen-free time, do what you can to get help or invite others into your home during these times to keep everyone safe.

Remember that frequent or constant screen time can easily become an addiction and attempting to stop an addiction suddenly and without warning, can cause the kids to not only experience withdrawal symptoms, but their anger and resentment could definitely trigger violent and/or verbal attacks. This factor alone is why it's important to introduce the change well in advance, and including the kids in the change, rather than just implementing a change as an autocratic adult, a method that doesn't work in today's society.

Some parents who decided to tackle this issue in their home have asked me how to keep these limitations in place when other adults are in charge or come to babysit, such as relatives, neighbors, grandparents or even just sitters. I suggest formalizing the new screen-free rules and educate any other direct-care providers who come to your home, or who watch your children in their own. You may get some resistance or a lack of cooperation from some who might disagree with your methodology. If you do, consider how important it is to use them in the direct care of your kids. If they are important, all you can do is ask for their cooperation with your rules and hope for the best.

Some Additional Thoughts
Finally, let me offer two additional things to consider: setting an example and encouragement. If you implement this change for the kids, set a good example by following your own guidelines. Stay off of your phone and away from your computer or tablet screen during the screen-free time periods. You'll get better results if the kids see you following your own advice. Better yet, participate with the kids in the alternate activities. What better way to bond with your kids than to read, play games, or take walks with them instead of being on a screen. Our kids are not the only ones who can benefit from screen-free times. And encourage your kids when they do comply with the new rule, by giving them lots of positive reinforcement to let them know how delighted you are with their cooperation.

Bill Corbett is the author of the award-winning book, Love, Limits & Lessons: A Parent's Guide to Raising Cooperative Kids. The book is now available as an audio book on both Amazon and Audible. Want to listen to it for FREE? Send an email to Bill and request a FREE download code for a limited time, to bill@cooperativekids.com.

When Your Child Doesn't Get an Invitation

Following one of my parent workshops, a woman related an incident in which another parent called her at home to scold her for not inviting her child to a birthday party. The woman relating the story was floored that she would get such a call and asked me what I thought about that. My initial thoughts were two things: it's so hard to see our children feeling left out and how much more parenting help the woman who called, needs.

Stepping up on behalf of your child is one thing, but over stepping boundaries to protect them unnecessarily is another. That mother should never have made that call and I at least hope that her child did not know that she was making it. If so, that woman's child may grow expecting someone else to always solve their problems and they may even lack the ability to handle disappointment and other difficult emotions.

So what do you do if your child is left sitting on a bench at the game or off the list of a party? The two most important things is to use the best listening skills you can conjure up and affirm your child's feelings in that moment. Avoid telling your child that she shouldn't feel that way and don't try to make it all better. A child processing their own feelings is a huge step in self-soothing and problem-solving.

One day when I picked my young daughter up from school, she was crying and said that a certain girl wasn't her friend anymore. I remember how difficult it was to see her hurting and I had difficulty fighting the urge to find a way to make it up to her. But I remembered my own childhood, how friends could change in an instant and for no obvious reason.

I let her cry it out and asked lots of open-ended questions to get her to talk about it. I wanted her to know that I was there for her and ready to listen. By the time we arrived at our destination, the tears had subsided and I was amazed to hear her sooth herself by saying that she still had a few other friends in her class. She even talked about having some play time with those other friends.

In addition to letting them vent, it's equally important to let a child know that what they are feeling is OK and that it's normal. Avoid talking too much in the beginning, but when they are ready to listen, validate their feelings with phrases like, "It must have really hurt your feelings when you didn't get an invitation," or "Wow, you must have been so disappointed." I found it helpful to offer examples from my own life when I experienced disappointment or hurt, being sure to use stories that she could comprehend.

In summary, don't rescue, don't try to "make things all better", and don't minimize the experience. Instead, be present, be silent, and be encouraging. Allow your child to experience life!

Bill Corbett has a degree in clinical psychology and has been invited to deliver the keynote address at a large education conference in Holland this Fall. He is happily married with three grown children, three grandchildren, and three step children and resides in Enfield, CT. You can visit his Web site www.CooperativeKids.com for further information and parenting advice.

Seven Valentine’s Day Ideas to Do for Your Child, Any Time of the Year

Forget the expensive chocolates and sugar candies for your child this Valentine’s Day. Use the reason for the season and demonstrate love for your child without spending much money. Here are seven ideas of things you can do in the days leading up to that special day.


Hide Love Notes or Surprises – Toddlers to teens love to be surprised. Hide a small valentine, an encouraging note, or a small valentine chocolate somewhere for them to find each day leading up to Valentine’s Day. Get creative and mix it up.  You could also leave a note each day in one place that contains clues to helping them find what you’ve hidden.

Plan a Party – Help your child plan a V-Day party with all of their friends. For one activity at the party, provide a personalized mailbox (or bag) for each child. On blank slips of paper, have each child write down words that describe what they like about each of the other kids, one child per slip of paper. They will deposit them in each other’s mailboxes.

Schedule a Date – Schedule a special Valentine date with each of your children. Put it on your calendar and tell your child so they will have something to look forward to. Scheduling in these dates ahead of time ensures they will happen. Then everything else that is less important can fill in around them. Why not schedule a date with your significant other as well?  Do this every Sunday night for the week to come.

Frame a Picture of the Two of You – Take a picture of you and your child, frame it, and then give it to your child to put in his or her room on the dresser or night table.  If you have more than one child, create one for each of them.  For an older child, put a picture of the two of you in a locket that the child can wear.  This will also help calm a child who feels anxious when being away from the parent.

Have a Special Movie Night – Have a movie night with your child(ren), complete with big pillows to snuggle up with and a big bowl of popcorn. The one difference in making this night special is that the movie being featured will be the home movies you have of your child(ren)!

Make Mailboxes – In a family meeting have everyone make and decorate a mailbox using any household craft items.  On slips of paper, have everyone write short love notes to everyone at the table as a practice run and then insert them in the appropriate mailboxes.  Have everyone hang their mailboxes on their bedroom door knobs for accepting mail whenever someone desires to write a note.

Compose a Poem for Your Child – Compose a poem about your child or describing how much you love her. Print if off on special preprinted paper with a border that can be purchased at office supply stores. Frame it and hang it on your child’s bedroom wall. You could even include the child’s picture or her foot or handprints if you had them done earlier. Sign it and read it to her nightly.

Bill Corbett has a degree in clinical psychology and is the author of the award winning book “Love, Limits, & Lessons: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Cooperative Kids,” in English and in Spanish.  He is happily married with three grown children, three grandchildren, and three step children and resides in Enfield, CT.  You can visit his Web site www.CooperativeKids.com for further information and parenting advice.

Five New Years Resolutions for Teachers in 2015

RESOLUTION#1 - Refrain from using a loud voice
Children learn how to communicate by the models teachers set for them. As often as possible, when you need your children’s attention or cooperation, get to their eye level and speak in a calm and respectful tone. The more often you do this, the more likely you are to create peace and calmness in your classroom and your children will do the same.

RESOLUTION#2 – Use the word COOPERATION often

When you need your children to comply, initiate it by announcing, “I need your cooperation.”  When they follow through, thank them for cooperating with you.  When they need you do something for them, confirm their request by saying, “Oh… you need my cooperation.  I’d love to cooperate with you.”  Use that word in association with requests from other adults in the school so the kids will see it often.

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RESOLUTION#3 – Let go and avoid controlling the outcome all the time

We’re constantly trying to get so much done in so little time and on schedule.  When children move too slow or don’t put a piece of clothing on correctly, it annoys us and we take over to have things according to our desire.  At least once a day, let something a child does be the way she did it.  Avoid correcting her, re-doing something, taking over for her, or arranging all the outcomes.

RESOLUTION#4 – Celebrate moments of independence

You’re getting ready to leave the classroom and you noticed that one child has buttoned her own jacket but the buttons are misaligned.  Or she put her coat on by herself but it’s inside out. For just once, avoid correcting the situation. Don’t re-button her jacket or adjust her sweater. Instead, make a big deal of what she did on her own. You can adjust things later but for the moment, celebrate her self-sufficiency.

How to Create Calmer Classrooms

RESOLUTION#5 – Stay calm when a child begins to argue

When a child becomes persistent in trying to convince us of something, we can easily get pulled into an emotional debate. Sometimes our own older children who feel they can approach us about anything and know they are being heard, consider their relationship with us stronger. Commit to not getting angry in these moments and be there 100%. If the child (or your own) has made a good case, give in once in a while if appropriate.  If you’ve had enough of the bantering, end it calmly and walk away. Know that it’s normal behavior.

Bill Corbett has a degree in clinical psychology and is the author of the award winning book “Love, Limits, & Lessons: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Cooperative Kids,” in English and in Spanish.  He is happily married with three grown children, three grandchildren, and three step children and resides in Connecticut.  You can visit his Web site www.CooperativeKids.com for further information and parenting advice.

Here's a Unique Gift to Give to Yourself This Holiday Season

Christmas is upon us and many of us are thinking about the gifts we want to give to others. But before you hit the shopping mall, think about taking care of yourself first. Remember those instructions from the flight attendant about putting your own oxygen mask on before you assist someone in your care? So what sort of gift could you give to yourself? I have one to offer up and when you receive it from yourself, it can have devastating positive lasting results.  I’m talking about emotional health here!

One night, my wife and I were leaving a holiday social event. We couldn't help but share with each other on the drive home, the lingering feelings we had after listening to a few other couples, bicker with each other and complaining to the rest of us. None of them had anything encouraging to say and the experience made us want to leave. That’s the night several years ago that we decided together on two very important gifts for each other going forward.

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Our first important decision was to surround ourselves only with encouraging and supportive people. Over the next few days we began ‘cleaning house’ by listing all the adults in our lives who we felt were toxic. These are the people who complained and berated others, bickered with each other in front of others, and the ‘doubting Thomas’ who usually tell you every reason why your new idea won’t work.

The second thing we did was to promise each other to always speak respectfully and kind to each other, not only in front of the kids, but out in public as well. This was especially important if the other was absent. We promised never to air any issues we have with each other in public and to address them in private. This included not making each other the butt of a joke or busting on each other in humiliating or embarrassing ways.



To cultivate a relationship and life as good parents (and teachers), it’s critical to remain

positive, encouraging and to always focus on gratitude for all of the gifts that appear in our lives each day. Steer clear of the ‘crabs’ that will always try and pull you down to join them in their misery or misfortune, and to pass this all on to our kids. So here are some additional guidelines we came up with for ourselves.

1. Surround ourselves with positive and encouraging people. This was a difficult task to perform, limiting who we would invite to social events. Unfortunately, it meant eliminating some family members!

2. Add statements of gratitude to our blessings before family meals. Take notice of all the little things that others did for us and recognize the gifts that appeared in our day that helped us in some way.

3. Send out hand-written thank you notes (not emails) each week to anyone who helped us solve a challenge or provided service to us in some capacity.
As adults raising (and teaching) children, we owe it to them to understand the difference between encouragement and discouragement and how to manifest what they need to develop their own resiliency.

Bill Corbett has a degree in clinical psychology and is the author of the award winning book “Love, Limits, & Lessons: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Cooperative Kids,” in English and in Spanish.  He is happily married with three grown children, two grandchildren, three step children, and lives in Enfield.  You can visit his Web site www.CooperativeKids.com for further information and parenting advice.

Creating Your Parenting Team

When a parent comes to me for help with their kids and tells me about their challenges, my first step is to ask questions about this family’s situation. The information they share with me usually sheds some light on circumstances that may be contributing toward, or causing at least some of the challenges this parent is currently experiencing.

Some of those circumstances include the current condition of the relationship of the parents of the children; fighting, arguing, separation, divorce, etc. These situations factor in because children are affected directly by the adult emotional chaos that may be happening in the home or around the kids. Here are some suggestions for parenting more as a team, regardless of any issues that have come between the adults.

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Agree together on how various situations will be handled with the children, and implement them with conviction. You won’t have answers to all situations but you can begin discussing with each other how you will both handle common ones to start. When new situations arise unexpectedly, discuss them in private away from the kids and then announce them jointly.

If you’re just getting ready to start a family, it’s never too early to discuss parenting issues. Make time to discuss your values and beliefs in parenting and children rearing with your significant other, and share your experiences on how you were parented as a child. Take a parenting class to learn together and seek recommendations on good parenting books from family and friends.

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Always speak respectfully of other caregivers who share with you, the responsibility for caring for your children. This includes your spouse, the other parent, grandparents and other relatives. Doing so models integrity for the kids to learn from. Even though the other caregiver may have done something to hurt you or others, as long as they are sharing in the caregiving, your child(ren) may still see them as a hero and an adult to look up to.

It’s not always possible to hide arguments from the kids and some experts suggest that you don’t. It’s definitely OK for your kids to know that you both don’t always agree, but refrain from mistreating the other adult verbally or physically. It’s important to know that your children will learn how to develop their own relationships with others, based on the model you present. If the argument begins to escalate, take it to another room for privacy. It’s also important that your children see the “makeup” after the argument subsides.

And what if you’re a single parent? Create a support network made up of adults you trust with your children who can help give you the breaks you need to “recharge your batteries.” For single moms, engage trustworthy male relatives to spend time with your son(s) and for single dads, engage female relatives you trust to spend time with your daughters. And it’s great when your boyfriend and/or girlfriend bonds with your children, but they should not administer discipline. That’s reserved for you, the parent.

Bill Corbett has a degree in clinical psychology and is the author of the award winning book “Love, Limits, & Lessons: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Cooperative Kids,” in English and in Spanish.  He is happily married with three grown children, two grandchildren, three step children, and lives in Enfield.  You can visit his Web site www.CooperativeKids.com for further information and parenting advice.

The Secret to Getting Kids to Cooperate at Home or in the Classroom

In a parent’s or teacher’s stressful and busy day, gaining a child’s cooperation helps to make moments so much easier. Acquiring that cooperation can be a bit tricky and is best done well in advance. The amazing thing about acquiring a child’s cooperation in advance is that what is needed in advance really has nothing to do with the actual act of cooperation.  Instead, gaining a child’s cooperation in advance is so much simpler than many adults realize. If you’re having trouble following me, here is a video I created to visualize what I’m talking about. Please watch the video and post a reply to this post or the video itself with your thoughts. Perhaps you too will obtain pleasurable moments of cooperation with a child in your care, once you implement what you are about to learn.

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Bill Corbett is the author of the award-winning parenting book series, LOVE, LIMITS, & LESSONS: A PARENT'S GUIDE TO RAISING COOPERATIVE KIDS (in English and in Spanish) and the executive producer and host of the public access television show CREATING COOPERATIVE KIDS. With a degree in clinical psychology, Bill provides parent coaching and keynote presentations to parent and professional audiences across the country. He sits on the board of the Network Against Domestic Abuse and the Resource Advisory Committee for Attachment Parenting International.  Bill's practical experience comes as a father of 3 grown children, a grandfather of two, and a stepdad to three.

Handling Aggressive Behavior in Young Children

First Comfort the Victim.  The next time you witness younger children fighting or hurting one another, your first response should be to comfort the victim without pity or drama.  If possible, you should also include the aggressive child in comforting of the victim.  Ask him to retrieve a cloth, a blanket, or even a drink of water if it's appropriate.  Be sure to use a quiet, calm and respectful tone as you take control.  Your immediate feelings may involve anger or frustration toward the aggressive child, but maintain control and stay calm.  Once the drama has cooled and the victim is cared for, take the aggressive child aside and remind him calmly and respectfully about boundaries and acceptable behavior.  This more peaceful response to the situation will provide an outstanding model and learning tool for both children.  

What is Bullying?  Bullying is any form of physical, emotional, or verbal mistreatment in which one holds an unequal power over another, purposely and repeatedly with the intent to hurt or humiliate.  A bully can be one tough kid harassing someone who is different in some way.  A bully’s behavior can be as simple as name-calling or as serious as confrontation resulting in injury.  No child is ever exempt from being picked on by a bully at some point in his life, and neither are adults.  In a recent study released by the American Medical Association, it was estimated that 3.2 million children are victims of bullying each year.  Being able to defend oneself when attacked by a bully requires both courage and skill – traits you can begin instilling in your child at any age.  

Teach Them How Not To Be A Target.  A bully’s common target is someone who demonstrates a lack of confidence and exhibits characteristics of weakness or insecurity.  Teach your children to stand tall, use a full voice, look the other child directly in the eyes, and exhibit confidence when stating what they want.  If your child does this, it will help to reduce the risk of being targeted by an aggressive child.  You can teach this to your child by modeling it yourself.  The most effective way of teaching children a new behavior is to role-play with them.  Allow them to see what the behavior looks like by modeling it for them, then allowing them to practice.  A child who stands, acts with and speaks with confidence is less likely to become a target of a bully.

Teach your children.  Teach them that they have the power to stop anyone from touching them, hurting them, or taking their things.  One of the most effective actions you can teach your child is described in many self-defense and confidence courses.  Stand tall and erect, and distribute weight evenly on both feet.  Hold your head high, extend their hand straight out in front of them with their flat palm toward the other child, saying “STOP!” in a loud and strong voice.  A bully halted in his or her tracks by a child drawing a clear, personal, physical or emotional boundary is more likely to walk away, often even respecting a child who had represented a potential victim.

Bill Corbett is the author of the award-winning parenting book series, LOVE, LIMITS, & LESSONS: A PARENT'S GUIDE TO RAISING COOPERATIVE KIDS (in English and in Spanish) and the executive producer and host of the public access television show CREATING COOPERATIVE KIDS. As a member of the American Psychological Association and the North American Society for Adlerian Psychology, Bill provides parent coaching and keynote presentations to parent and professional audiences across the country. He sits on the board of the Network Against Domestic Abuse and the Resource Advisory Committee for Attachment Parenting International, and holds several degrees in clinical psychology. Bill's practical experience comes as a father of 3 grown children, a grandfather of two, and a stepdad to three.  You can learn more about his work at http://www.CooperativeKids.com and http://www.BillCorbett.com.

Treat Me Like I'm Someone You Love

I was shopping at the local “big box” store in town recently.  As I was walking out into the parking lot, I noticed a mother walking in front of me with a preschooler-aged little boy and a little girl of probably 8 or 9.  The mother was yelling at the little girl to “Get back here… NOW!”  The little girl seemed mad about something and she was walking a few feet ahead of the woman.

When the mother yelled (and quite loud I must say), the girl would immediately stop in her tracks, arms folded, face down and with a huge frown.  As the mother caught up to the girl, she yelled at her with a phrase something like “If you walk ahead of me one more time, you’re gonna get it when we get home!”  But as soon as the mother was almost within an arm’s reach to her, the little girl would quickly walk ahead.”

This went on for the entire walk out into the parking lot.  With the constant threats and the woman’s growing anger, I feared the mother might hit her daughter (assuming she was her daughter).  Customers passing us by, quickly looked the other way .  She had a very big build and sounded and looked tired and angry.  I was afraid she was going to have had enough with the girl.

I’ve witnessed this incident many times in the past and I think because I am a parent educator, I feel very sensitive to the situation.  I can feel the mother’s pain of being tired, stressed and angry, and not in need of anyone adding to what she already feels.  And I can feel for the little girl who may be acting this way because she is mad about something that occurred between her and her mother earlier.  It seems like a no-win situation that could quickly get out of hand if the mother is not able to control her anger. 

My friend and pediatrician Susan Markel, MD asks parents to avoid losing control at all costs.  Chapter 8 in her book What Your Pediatrician Doesn’t Know Can Hurt Your Child (BenBella Books;2010) is titled Treat Me Like I’m Someone You Love.  In it she warns parents that taking your anger or frustration out on your child is likely to lead them to feeling like there is something wrong with them.

If you ever find yourself in this situation with your children, remain calm, stop talking and give up the urge to control the outcome.  Take several deep breaths and get yourself and your children home quickly.  Take a break as soon as you can and know that you are human and need breaks from the kids now and again.  I love that Dr. Markel also says “Behavior is not taught to children by talking about it.  Rather, correct behavior is demonstrated, observed and experienced… children learn to be nice by having someone be nice to them.”

Bill Corbett is the author of the award-winning parenting book series, LOVE, LIMITS, & LESSONS: A PARENT'S GUIDE TO RAISING COOPERATIVE KIDS (in English and in Spanish) and the executive producer and host of the public access television show CREATING COOPERATIVE KIDS. As a member of the American Psychological Association and the North American Society for Adlerian Psychology, Bill provides parent coaching and keynote presentations to parent and professional audiences across the country. He sits on the board of the Network Against Domestic Abuse and the Resource Advisory Committee for Attachment Parenting International, and holds several degrees in clinical psychology. Bill's practical experience comes as a father of 3 grown children, a grandfather of two, and a stepdad to three.  You can learn more about his work at http://www.CooperativeKids.com and http://www.BillCorbett.com.

8 Parenting Tips for Happier Holidays with Young Children

It's time once again to begin preparing for the holidays and gearing up for family, fun, and festivals. The kids will be getting excited and home for school vacation. Here are eight tips for ensuring a happier holiday season.

TIP # 1: Good Behavior in Someone Else's Home

At some point prior to arriving at someone else's home for a holiday party, get to your child's eye level and go over the rules for being at the party. You may even ask them to explain the rules to you and don't be surprised if they already know. Throughout the event, acknowledge them every time you witness the behavior you want. If their behavior has been a problem in the past, tell them there will be a consequence to bad behavior and that consequence will be leaving the party. If you choose this option, be ready to implement it immediately, and don't punish them. The punishment is the departure itself and your complete silence on the drive home.

TIP # 2: Reduce the Toys and Gifts

A few weeks before the holiday season arrives, allow your child to lead an activity to thin out the usable toys and clothes they already have and then donate them to a local charity. Let your child have as much participation in the process, especially the delivery to the donation center. Commit to buying your children less toys. Too many can create visual chaos and excess stimulation, and certainly do not teach crucial lessons of moderation and limits.

TIP # 3: Take Care of Yourself

When you become stressed over the holidays, your appearance of being frantic and frazzled will be felt by the children and they too will begin to simulate it in their own way. Take time out for yourself to recharge your batteries. You need extra rest, exercise, and healthy eating, ingredients for greater self-control and patience.

TIP # 4: Teach Children Gratitude

Make it a priority to get your family involved in a giving exercise this holiday season. Donate your time to volunteer for a charitable organization by wrapping gifts for a gift collection agency, delivering a meal to a shut-in, or serving the hungry at a soup kitchen.   This act of compassion will remain with your children for a very long time. During the thanksgiving holiday, my family and I would prepare and deliver a meal to an elderly person living alone. I'll never forget the year we delivered our dinner to an elderly lady who was so grateful for our gift, she cried as we left. My son was silent as we drove away and he had tears welling in his eyes.

TIP # 5: Don't Over Schedule

During the holidays we automatically think about wanting to connect and be with family and friends. But if past holidays have not been fond memories because of over scheduling, reconsider your plans for this year and commit to simplifying the family calendar or take a vacation away from home. This move may require having to say no to some invitations or changing routines. One family we connect with often makes it a point to avoid the holiday rush. They plan plenty of get-togethers throughout the year and then disappear at Thanksgiving and/or Christmas to take cruises, go to Disney, or travel to see family out of state.

TIP # 6: Set Realistic Expectations for the Kids

Let's face it; December can be a stressful month for the kids and stressful or busy times for you. This guarantees that your children are going to behave differently and it will be a challenge getting them to cooperate and remain calm. Clarify your boundaries and rules and be patient when their excitement gets in the way. Remind yourself about the true meaning of the holidays; it's not about having the perfect family. A big mistake parents make is remembering the holidays from their childhood and trying to recreate them today.

TIP # 7: Create the Reverence of New Traditions

Participating in family traditions that were passed down can be fun and exciting, but it can also add to the stress of the holidays when it means having to recreate complex meals, trips, and events that originally belonged to someone else. Take bold steps to create new traditions for your immediate family that will leave lasting impressions, regardless of how simple they might be. When my children were young, we started a new tradition of allowing the kids to open one gift on Christmas Eve. We intentionally gave them new pajamas in this one special gift and they would be the pajamas they would wear to bed that night. Each year after that, I came up with fun and creative ways of disguising the gift to keep them guessing, because they knew what they would find in the packages. Creating new and fun traditions and faithfully celebrating them each year with consistency will teach your children how to do it themselves when they have families of their own.

TIP # 8: Be the Person You Want Your Children to Be

Finally, there is no better way to teach your children how to enjoy the holidays than to demonstrate being the person you want them to be. The most powerful training your children will ever have is the observations they make of your behavior on a daily basis. Work hard to remain calm and loving throughout the holidays. When you find yourself on the threshold of an emotional reaction to someone else's behavior, ask yourself if what you're about to say or do will bring your family closer together, or create more distance. Being close of course, is what the holidays are all about!

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Bill Corbett is the author of the award-winning parenting book series, LOVE, LIMITS, & LESSONS: A PARENT'S GUIDE TO RAISING COOPERATIVE KIDS (in English and in Spanish) and the executive producer and host of the public access television show CREATING COOPERATIVE KIDS (http://www.CooperativeKids.com). As a member of the American Psychological Association and the North American Society for Adlerian Psychology, Bill provides parent coaching and keynote presentations to parent and professional audiences across the country. He sits on the board of the Network Against Domestic Abuse, the Resource Advisory Committee for Attachment Parenting International, and the management team of the Springfield Parent Academy. Bill's practical experience comes as a father of 3 grown children, a grandfather of two, and a stepdad to three.  You can learn more about his work at http://www.BillCorbett.com and http://www.StopTheTantrums.com.