4 Things to Help Children Dream BIG!

I watched my grandparents work every day of their lives, doing what they became good at and because it paid the bills. Whenever I tried to talk to them about what it might be like to do the work they REALLY loved, they would tell me that was what hobbies were for; a outlet for what you loved to do.

During his prime, my grandfather was a carpenter and

worked for a hard-to-please boss on a crew that built houses. When he wasn't slaving away for that task master, he loved to work in his basement workshop, being creative with wood. Of the many things he made by hand, the most beautiful were the hand carved ships wheels. He only made them for those he was close to and he never accepted money for them. I feel fortunate that I have one of those huge wheels mounted on the wall of my office and I think of him every time I look at it.

What do you dream of doing if you didn't have to go to work each day to make your living? Is there something that you love to do and wish you could do it full time? Have you already found it and spend your leisure time working on? Wouldn't you want your children to find that one thing they feel most passionate about and do it full time? Here are four things you can begin doing immediately as a parent to help your child DREAM BIG.

Let them explore. Encourage your children to try new things by giving them opportunities to try them out. Avoid putting pressure on them to succeed and focus more on the experience of different activities.

Speak of abundance and avoid scarcity. You want your children to know that anyone can do anything they put their minds to. Avoid mentioning that your family doesn't have the means, supplies or money to do things. Allow them to help you come up with ideas for doing the things they love to do.

Create a vision board or dream book. Purchase composition books for yourself and your children and have them draw pictures in the book that represent what they want to acquire or experience. Allow them to cut out pictures from old magazines to paste into their dream book. Teach them to add a new entry in images or text whenever they have a thought about something they dream of.

Find movies and books that illustrate someone who dreamed big. Watch movies with your children or read books to them in which the main characters dreamed big and made it all happen. You want them to know that anything is possible if you dream it, think about it, illustrate it and see it often enough.

They say that those who dream big and then follow those dreams will live longer, live happier, and attract healthy, supportive people into their lives. What parent wouldn't want this for their children? Now you know what it takes to help your child begin their journey toward dreaming big!

Bill Corbett has a degree in clinical psychology and has been chosen to deliver the keynote address at a large education conference in Holland this Fall.  He is happily married with three grown children, three grandchildren, and three step children, and resides in Connecticut.  You can visit his Web site http://billcorbett.com for further information.

How To Make It Up To Your Child When You Make A Mistake

If you haven't snapped at your child, forgotten something you were suppose to do for them, arrived late for a recital or game, dropped the ball on a promise, or made a parenting decision you regretted, then you aren't human. We parents are often stressed, busy, over worked, forgetful and tired and we make mistakes.

I remember too well saying something like, "I know I said I'd take you _____________, but I'm really busy and have to get _____________ done before dinner tonight." And then there are the painful incidents in which I snapped or yelled when caught off guard or noticed something written on with crayon or broken, and automatically thinking about how much that item cost or what I'm going to have to spend to fix, clean or replace an item.

Austrian neurologist and the father of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, taught us that we have automatic systems in place that defend our ego from being hurt by guilt and fear. When we parents get angry toward our children, it's a way of protecting our ego from feeling guilty that we mismanaged our schedule and didn't show up on time, or that we forgot something that was important to our children. It's also occurs when we think about having to pay out money that was not in the budget and we're already over extended financially.

When we find ourselves in this situation, we must calm down and breath. A few deep breaths will help us manage our emotions and see the situation for what it really is; not quite as serious as we had ourselves believing. If we're able to, it works remarkably well to see the situation from our child or teen's perspective. I remember my teenage son coming how with a dent in the family car and how driven I felt to keep asking why and how in an angry tone.

So when you do something like the things I listed in the first paragraph that could have been avoided, be ready to provide a MAKEUP to them. Providing a makeup means offering something to your child that you will do as a way of making up for the mistake you made. You would say, "Wow sweetheart, I am so sorry that I forgot about taking you to the mall as I had promised. I owe you a makeup."

The next step is to offer something as that makeup and here is an important ground rule: it should not include buying them an object. The ideal makeups should be about spending time together without technology or money. They should be walks in the park, dates, playing table games, or crafting. Make believe tea parties would be great for little children and "hanging out" together to play catch in the backyard  would be appropriate for a teenager.

It is extremely important that the adult who made the mistake must be the one to determine the makeup, not the victim. And not only does this work well with kids, it also applies to handling mistakes with significant others as well!


Bill Corbett has a degree in clinical psychology and has been chosen to deliver the keynote address at a large education conference in Holland this Fall.  He is happily married with three grown children, three grandchildren, and three step children, and resides in Enfield, CT.  You can visit his Web site www.CooperativeKids.com for further information and parenting advice.

Five New Years Resolutions for Teachers in 2015

RESOLUTION#1 - Refrain from using a loud voice
Children learn how to communicate by the models teachers set for them. As often as possible, when you need your children’s attention or cooperation, get to their eye level and speak in a calm and respectful tone. The more often you do this, the more likely you are to create peace and calmness in your classroom and your children will do the same.

RESOLUTION#2 – Use the word COOPERATION often

When you need your children to comply, initiate it by announcing, “I need your cooperation.”  When they follow through, thank them for cooperating with you.  When they need you do something for them, confirm their request by saying, “Oh… you need my cooperation.  I’d love to cooperate with you.”  Use that word in association with requests from other adults in the school so the kids will see it often.

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RESOLUTION#3 – Let go and avoid controlling the outcome all the time

We’re constantly trying to get so much done in so little time and on schedule.  When children move too slow or don’t put a piece of clothing on correctly, it annoys us and we take over to have things according to our desire.  At least once a day, let something a child does be the way she did it.  Avoid correcting her, re-doing something, taking over for her, or arranging all the outcomes.

RESOLUTION#4 – Celebrate moments of independence

You’re getting ready to leave the classroom and you noticed that one child has buttoned her own jacket but the buttons are misaligned.  Or she put her coat on by herself but it’s inside out. For just once, avoid correcting the situation. Don’t re-button her jacket or adjust her sweater. Instead, make a big deal of what she did on her own. You can adjust things later but for the moment, celebrate her self-sufficiency.

How to Create Calmer Classrooms

RESOLUTION#5 – Stay calm when a child begins to argue

When a child becomes persistent in trying to convince us of something, we can easily get pulled into an emotional debate. Sometimes our own older children who feel they can approach us about anything and know they are being heard, consider their relationship with us stronger. Commit to not getting angry in these moments and be there 100%. If the child (or your own) has made a good case, give in once in a while if appropriate.  If you’ve had enough of the bantering, end it calmly and walk away. Know that it’s normal behavior.

Bill Corbett has a degree in clinical psychology and is the author of the award winning book “Love, Limits, & Lessons: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Cooperative Kids,” in English and in Spanish.  He is happily married with three grown children, three grandchildren, and three step children and resides in Connecticut.  You can visit his Web site www.CooperativeKids.com for further information and parenting advice.

Creating Your Parenting Team

When a parent comes to me for help with their kids and tells me about their challenges, my first step is to ask questions about this family’s situation. The information they share with me usually sheds some light on circumstances that may be contributing toward, or causing at least some of the challenges this parent is currently experiencing.

Some of those circumstances include the current condition of the relationship of the parents of the children; fighting, arguing, separation, divorce, etc. These situations factor in because children are affected directly by the adult emotional chaos that may be happening in the home or around the kids. Here are some suggestions for parenting more as a team, regardless of any issues that have come between the adults.

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Agree together on how various situations will be handled with the children, and implement them with conviction. You won’t have answers to all situations but you can begin discussing with each other how you will both handle common ones to start. When new situations arise unexpectedly, discuss them in private away from the kids and then announce them jointly.

If you’re just getting ready to start a family, it’s never too early to discuss parenting issues. Make time to discuss your values and beliefs in parenting and children rearing with your significant other, and share your experiences on how you were parented as a child. Take a parenting class to learn together and seek recommendations on good parenting books from family and friends.

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Always speak respectfully of other caregivers who share with you, the responsibility for caring for your children. This includes your spouse, the other parent, grandparents and other relatives. Doing so models integrity for the kids to learn from. Even though the other caregiver may have done something to hurt you or others, as long as they are sharing in the caregiving, your child(ren) may still see them as a hero and an adult to look up to.

It’s not always possible to hide arguments from the kids and some experts suggest that you don’t. It’s definitely OK for your kids to know that you both don’t always agree, but refrain from mistreating the other adult verbally or physically. It’s important to know that your children will learn how to develop their own relationships with others, based on the model you present. If the argument begins to escalate, take it to another room for privacy. It’s also important that your children see the “makeup” after the argument subsides.

And what if you’re a single parent? Create a support network made up of adults you trust with your children who can help give you the breaks you need to “recharge your batteries.” For single moms, engage trustworthy male relatives to spend time with your son(s) and for single dads, engage female relatives you trust to spend time with your daughters. And it’s great when your boyfriend and/or girlfriend bonds with your children, but they should not administer discipline. That’s reserved for you, the parent.

Bill Corbett has a degree in clinical psychology and is the author of the award winning book “Love, Limits, & Lessons: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Cooperative Kids,” in English and in Spanish.  He is happily married with three grown children, two grandchildren, three step children, and lives in Enfield.  You can visit his Web site www.CooperativeKids.com for further information and parenting advice.

How to Raise a Problem Solver

Are you as worried as I am about the children of generation Z (born 1995 – 2012) and their ability to solve problems?  With the increase in the number of helicopter parents (parents who “swoop” in to make everything all better) and a generation of highly sensitive kids, how well are our children going to be able to identify and solve their own problems?

This isn’t actually a new problem but it seems to be getting worse.  Many years ago I taught college courses part time and it was back then that I noticed an increase in the number of parents coming to see me during my office hours, complaining about the grade I gave their young adult child.  Instructors today tell me it’s gotten even worse, with some parents even popping in to see the class for themselves.

Making the commitment to raising your children to become problem solvers first requires that you accept the fact that every problem can only have one owner.  That person must be held responsible for solving the problem but can certainly seek out and incorporate help from others around him or her to solve the problem.  If your teenager puts a dent in the family car, she owns that dent.  She may obviously need help in getting it fixed, but she still owns it.
To begin with, every time your child or teen comes to you with a problem, you must first determine yourself whether your child owns the problem or you own the problem.  If you own the problem, take immediate measures to solve it quickly.  If your child owns the problem, be ready to help him or her solve the problem.  The following incident is an example to learn by.

My son came running into the house one Saturday, holding his arm and complaining about a small abrasion from a fall he took out in the yard.  A quick examination of the boo-boo and a few questions left me feeling confident that there was no internal damage and there really wasn’t any blood that I could see.  Because I did not feel that there was anything I needed to do that my child couldn’t do for himself, it became his problem to fix.

I first acknowledged that the minor scrape was a problem for him by saying to him, “It looks like your arm might hurt.”  He nodded.  I then helped him begin problem solving by saying to him, “What do you think you could do to make that arm feel better?”  My coaching him to solve the problem felt uncomfortable to him so he said, “You’re my Dad, YOU do something.”  I replied with, “You’re right, I am your Dad and I’ve always done things in the past, but this time, I want to know what YOU think you can do to make that arm stop hurting.”  Instantly, my son said to me, “Can we wash it off and put a bandage on it?”  I replied with a smile, “What a great idea!  I could help by getting the box of bandages down from the cabinet for you.”

Within a matter of minutes and of course, with some “Ouches!” he washed the boo-boo and applied the bandage, and off he ran to continue his play outside.  Today that young man is in his early 20s and solving problems every day as a much sought after restaurant manager!  Let your children and teens solve their own problems with your guidance and coaching, while you’re nearby to help them do it.  What problems will YOU begin letting your child solve on his or her own today?

Treat Me Like I'm Someone You Love

I was shopping at the local “big box” store in town recently.  As I was walking out into the parking lot, I noticed a mother walking in front of me with a preschooler-aged little boy and a little girl of probably 8 or 9.  The mother was yelling at the little girl to “Get back here… NOW!”  The little girl seemed mad about something and she was walking a few feet ahead of the woman.

When the mother yelled (and quite loud I must say), the girl would immediately stop in her tracks, arms folded, face down and with a huge frown.  As the mother caught up to the girl, she yelled at her with a phrase something like “If you walk ahead of me one more time, you’re gonna get it when we get home!”  But as soon as the mother was almost within an arm’s reach to her, the little girl would quickly walk ahead.”

This went on for the entire walk out into the parking lot.  With the constant threats and the woman’s growing anger, I feared the mother might hit her daughter (assuming she was her daughter).  Customers passing us by, quickly looked the other way .  She had a very big build and sounded and looked tired and angry.  I was afraid she was going to have had enough with the girl.

I’ve witnessed this incident many times in the past and I think because I am a parent educator, I feel very sensitive to the situation.  I can feel the mother’s pain of being tired, stressed and angry, and not in need of anyone adding to what she already feels.  And I can feel for the little girl who may be acting this way because she is mad about something that occurred between her and her mother earlier.  It seems like a no-win situation that could quickly get out of hand if the mother is not able to control her anger. 

My friend and pediatrician Susan Markel, MD asks parents to avoid losing control at all costs.  Chapter 8 in her book What Your Pediatrician Doesn’t Know Can Hurt Your Child (BenBella Books;2010) is titled Treat Me Like I’m Someone You Love.  In it she warns parents that taking your anger or frustration out on your child is likely to lead them to feeling like there is something wrong with them.

If you ever find yourself in this situation with your children, remain calm, stop talking and give up the urge to control the outcome.  Take several deep breaths and get yourself and your children home quickly.  Take a break as soon as you can and know that you are human and need breaks from the kids now and again.  I love that Dr. Markel also says “Behavior is not taught to children by talking about it.  Rather, correct behavior is demonstrated, observed and experienced… children learn to be nice by having someone be nice to them.”

Bill Corbett is the author of the award-winning parenting book series, LOVE, LIMITS, & LESSONS: A PARENT'S GUIDE TO RAISING COOPERATIVE KIDS (in English and in Spanish) and the executive producer and host of the public access television show CREATING COOPERATIVE KIDS. As a member of the American Psychological Association and the North American Society for Adlerian Psychology, Bill provides parent coaching and keynote presentations to parent and professional audiences across the country. He sits on the board of the Network Against Domestic Abuse and the Resource Advisory Committee for Attachment Parenting International, and holds several degrees in clinical psychology. Bill's practical experience comes as a father of 3 grown children, a grandfather of two, and a stepdad to three.  You can learn more about his work at http://www.CooperativeKids.com and http://www.BillCorbett.com.

Teaching with Routine and Sameness

Have you ever noticed how your children love to catch you making a mistake, especially when you do something out of order?  Children learn about the world around them by sameness and routine and they crave patterns that they can learn from.

One evening we had visitors over for dinner and it was a special occasion.  The food was coming out of the oven in phases to keep it warm.  One of our young guests must have been hungry so she served herself what was on the table and took a bite.  My oldest daughter, the perfectionist child, was quick to catch her breaking a dinner-time rule and called attention to the violation.  Our family procedures had trained her that we all start eating together, after the blessing.

Use this teaching tool to your advantage, especially when you want to increase the cooperation from your young children.  Family situations such as the morning rush, dinner time and bedtime are 3 situations that can be stressful on parents and children.  Creating a reoccurring sequence of events during these times can make them easier to get through.

Let’s take bedtime for example.  Children don’t like going to bed because they fear that they are going to miss out on something good.  They have this perception that “the REAL party begins when they have to go to bed.”  At the same time, parents can’t wait to get their children in bed so they can de-stress, relax or in some cases, get more work done.  If your children sense that you’re trying to rush them off to bed, they will prolong the event.

Allow your children to help you come up with all of the activities at bedtime and put them in sequential order.  Have them help you create large pictures that represent each of the events in the sequence: a story book, a pair of pajamas, a toilet, a glass of water, etc.  Next, tape each of the pictures high on the wall and out of their reach, placing them in sequential order. 

The additional key to success with this activity is to include your children in the process of creating it and to make it fun!  Put aside your mind chatter and stress, and take on an excited demeanor as you call out each of the items in order to have them complete them.  Go with them and participate.  The more engaged and fun you are in this process, the more they will feel a part of it.

If your child catches you doing something out of order, relax and don’t get defensive.  Be humble and thank them for catching the mistake.  They will feel respected and important that they uncovered the flaw.  Just try it on purpose sometime; break a sequence just to give them something to focus on and watch their legalistic nature make an issue of your mistake.

Teaching children cooperation and social skills can be a challenge.  Your little children do not arrive in the world ready to comply.  It takes time, patience, and practice to get them to cooperate and participate.  Use routine and sameness whenever you can and notice how much easier parenting can be.

Bill Corbett is the author of the award-winning parenting book series, LOVE, LIMITS, & LESSONS: A PARENT'S GUIDE TO RAISING COOPERATIVE KIDS (in English and in Spanish) and the executive producer and host of the public access television show CREATING COOPERATIVE KIDS. As a member of the American Psychological Association and the North American Society for Adlerian Psychology, Bill provides parent coaching and keynote presentations to parent and professional audiences across the country. He sits on the board of the Network Against Domestic Abuse and the Resource Advisory Committee for Attachment Parenting International, and holds several degrees in clinical psychology. Bill's practical experience comes as a father of 3 grown children, a grandfather of two, and a stepdad to three.  You can learn more about his work at http://www.CooperativeKids.com and http://www.BillCorbett.com.

8 Parenting Tips for Happier Holidays with Young Children

It's time once again to begin preparing for the holidays and gearing up for family, fun, and festivals. The kids will be getting excited and home for school vacation. Here are eight tips for ensuring a happier holiday season.

TIP # 1: Good Behavior in Someone Else's Home

At some point prior to arriving at someone else's home for a holiday party, get to your child's eye level and go over the rules for being at the party. You may even ask them to explain the rules to you and don't be surprised if they already know. Throughout the event, acknowledge them every time you witness the behavior you want. If their behavior has been a problem in the past, tell them there will be a consequence to bad behavior and that consequence will be leaving the party. If you choose this option, be ready to implement it immediately, and don't punish them. The punishment is the departure itself and your complete silence on the drive home.

TIP # 2: Reduce the Toys and Gifts

A few weeks before the holiday season arrives, allow your child to lead an activity to thin out the usable toys and clothes they already have and then donate them to a local charity. Let your child have as much participation in the process, especially the delivery to the donation center. Commit to buying your children less toys. Too many can create visual chaos and excess stimulation, and certainly do not teach crucial lessons of moderation and limits.

TIP # 3: Take Care of Yourself

When you become stressed over the holidays, your appearance of being frantic and frazzled will be felt by the children and they too will begin to simulate it in their own way. Take time out for yourself to recharge your batteries. You need extra rest, exercise, and healthy eating, ingredients for greater self-control and patience.

TIP # 4: Teach Children Gratitude

Make it a priority to get your family involved in a giving exercise this holiday season. Donate your time to volunteer for a charitable organization by wrapping gifts for a gift collection agency, delivering a meal to a shut-in, or serving the hungry at a soup kitchen.   This act of compassion will remain with your children for a very long time. During the thanksgiving holiday, my family and I would prepare and deliver a meal to an elderly person living alone. I'll never forget the year we delivered our dinner to an elderly lady who was so grateful for our gift, she cried as we left. My son was silent as we drove away and he had tears welling in his eyes.

TIP # 5: Don't Over Schedule

During the holidays we automatically think about wanting to connect and be with family and friends. But if past holidays have not been fond memories because of over scheduling, reconsider your plans for this year and commit to simplifying the family calendar or take a vacation away from home. This move may require having to say no to some invitations or changing routines. One family we connect with often makes it a point to avoid the holiday rush. They plan plenty of get-togethers throughout the year and then disappear at Thanksgiving and/or Christmas to take cruises, go to Disney, or travel to see family out of state.

TIP # 6: Set Realistic Expectations for the Kids

Let's face it; December can be a stressful month for the kids and stressful or busy times for you. This guarantees that your children are going to behave differently and it will be a challenge getting them to cooperate and remain calm. Clarify your boundaries and rules and be patient when their excitement gets in the way. Remind yourself about the true meaning of the holidays; it's not about having the perfect family. A big mistake parents make is remembering the holidays from their childhood and trying to recreate them today.

TIP # 7: Create the Reverence of New Traditions

Participating in family traditions that were passed down can be fun and exciting, but it can also add to the stress of the holidays when it means having to recreate complex meals, trips, and events that originally belonged to someone else. Take bold steps to create new traditions for your immediate family that will leave lasting impressions, regardless of how simple they might be. When my children were young, we started a new tradition of allowing the kids to open one gift on Christmas Eve. We intentionally gave them new pajamas in this one special gift and they would be the pajamas they would wear to bed that night. Each year after that, I came up with fun and creative ways of disguising the gift to keep them guessing, because they knew what they would find in the packages. Creating new and fun traditions and faithfully celebrating them each year with consistency will teach your children how to do it themselves when they have families of their own.

TIP # 8: Be the Person You Want Your Children to Be

Finally, there is no better way to teach your children how to enjoy the holidays than to demonstrate being the person you want them to be. The most powerful training your children will ever have is the observations they make of your behavior on a daily basis. Work hard to remain calm and loving throughout the holidays. When you find yourself on the threshold of an emotional reaction to someone else's behavior, ask yourself if what you're about to say or do will bring your family closer together, or create more distance. Being close of course, is what the holidays are all about!

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Bill Corbett is the author of the award-winning parenting book series, LOVE, LIMITS, & LESSONS: A PARENT'S GUIDE TO RAISING COOPERATIVE KIDS (in English and in Spanish) and the executive producer and host of the public access television show CREATING COOPERATIVE KIDS (http://www.CooperativeKids.com). As a member of the American Psychological Association and the North American Society for Adlerian Psychology, Bill provides parent coaching and keynote presentations to parent and professional audiences across the country. He sits on the board of the Network Against Domestic Abuse, the Resource Advisory Committee for Attachment Parenting International, and the management team of the Springfield Parent Academy. Bill's practical experience comes as a father of 3 grown children, a grandfather of two, and a stepdad to three.  You can learn more about his work at http://www.BillCorbett.com and http://www.StopTheTantrums.com.