How to Raise a Problem Solver

Are you as worried as I am about the children of generation Z (born 1995 – 2012) and their ability to solve problems?  With the increase in the number of helicopter parents (parents who “swoop” in to make everything all better) and a generation of highly sensitive kids, how well are our children going to be able to identify and solve their own problems?

This isn’t actually a new problem but it seems to be getting worse.  Many years ago I taught college courses part time and it was back then that I noticed an increase in the number of parents coming to see me during my office hours, complaining about the grade I gave their young adult child.  Instructors today tell me it’s gotten even worse, with some parents even popping in to see the class for themselves.

Making the commitment to raising your children to become problem solvers first requires that you accept the fact that every problem can only have one owner.  That person must be held responsible for solving the problem but can certainly seek out and incorporate help from others around him or her to solve the problem.  If your teenager puts a dent in the family car, she owns that dent.  She may obviously need help in getting it fixed, but she still owns it.
To begin with, every time your child or teen comes to you with a problem, you must first determine yourself whether your child owns the problem or you own the problem.  If you own the problem, take immediate measures to solve it quickly.  If your child owns the problem, be ready to help him or her solve the problem.  The following incident is an example to learn by.

My son came running into the house one Saturday, holding his arm and complaining about a small abrasion from a fall he took out in the yard.  A quick examination of the boo-boo and a few questions left me feeling confident that there was no internal damage and there really wasn’t any blood that I could see.  Because I did not feel that there was anything I needed to do that my child couldn’t do for himself, it became his problem to fix.

I first acknowledged that the minor scrape was a problem for him by saying to him, “It looks like your arm might hurt.”  He nodded.  I then helped him begin problem solving by saying to him, “What do you think you could do to make that arm feel better?”  My coaching him to solve the problem felt uncomfortable to him so he said, “You’re my Dad, YOU do something.”  I replied with, “You’re right, I am your Dad and I’ve always done things in the past, but this time, I want to know what YOU think you can do to make that arm stop hurting.”  Instantly, my son said to me, “Can we wash it off and put a bandage on it?”  I replied with a smile, “What a great idea!  I could help by getting the box of bandages down from the cabinet for you.”

Within a matter of minutes and of course, with some “Ouches!” he washed the boo-boo and applied the bandage, and off he ran to continue his play outside.  Today that young man is in his early 20s and solving problems every day as a much sought after restaurant manager!  Let your children and teens solve their own problems with your guidance and coaching, while you’re nearby to help them do it.  What problems will YOU begin letting your child solve on his or her own today?

ONE SONG + ONE BALL = FUN AND LEARNING!

Introducing the Great Big Ball to the class.

     Hi from Miss Carole at Macaroni Soup:  Active Music for Kids!  In 24 years of teaching Music and Movement, I have yet to find a child who doesn’t like balls!  One of my son’s first 10 words was “BALL!”  after Mama, of course!  His eyes would light up and his hands would reach for any ball in sight!  

So what could be better than a

 “GREAT BIG BALL”?

     To start you need a very large ball.  I have used medicine balls, but prefer an inflated beach ball because it weighs less, can be transparent and is familiar to children.  Google “giant beach ball” and you’ll find lots of options for 42”-48” balls ranging from $5.95 – 23.95.  The one you see in these pictures is a 48” ball that was about $12.  (Even Amazon.com has them!) Also, it’s the end of the season, so check out your local stores for clearances on Summer beach toys.

    Learn the song – the lyrics are VERY simple!  I don’t have an author credit for this song- I don’t know who wrote it or even where I heard it about 15 years ago!  But it stuck in my head – and it will in yours!  If you know who wrote it – please contact me!

Chorus:

Who’s gonna get that great big ball as it rolls around the room?

Who’s gonna get that great big ball as it rolls around the room?

Who’s gonna get that great big ball as it rolls around the room?

We’re gonna find out soon!                                                                          

Passing practice - before singing!

Verse:

Jessie’s got that great big ball                         

Rolling from her head to her toes

Rolling from her head to her toes

Rolling from her head to her toes

Jessie’s got that great big ball

Rolling from her head to her toes

But look out, Jessie – here it goes!

Once passing is going well, start singing!

    What to do:  Introduce the ball to your children once they are sitting in a circle on the floor.  Stand in the middle of the circle to keep the ball moving as the children pass it all the way around the circle once.  Tell them that when you stop singing, whoever the ball is in front of lays down and you will roll the ball up and down their body, from head to toes!  BEGIN!

    Believe it or not, I did this last week with my classes of 4 year olds at the first music class – and they LOVED IT!  If you have some shy violets, they can sit in someone’s lap, and you control where the ball stops – don’t stop at someone who looks the least bit fearful.

    Helpful Hints:

• Get a battery-powered or electric pump – it makes for easy inflation/deflation.
• Remember – passing is a learned skill, not something children innately know how to do.  Take a moment to teach passing.  It will make this activity run smoothly.
• Sometimes a child holds onto the ball – that’s why you’re in the middle – to keep it going!
• If there are more than 10 children, have them lay down 2 at a time – “Joe and James have got that great big ball…” or “2 girls have got that great big ball…

2 boys have got that great big ball...

...rolling from their head to their toes!

  

What is learned?  Cooperation can be fun!  Especially at the beginning of the school year, learning to “share” by passing is an easy thing when done to music!  We’re also saying the names of the children – another chance for classmates to identify each other.  We also create shared experience, or community.  Look at the boy’s face in the left picture above as he shares the excitement with a friend – priceless!

   

   As you see in this last picture, I have EVERYONE lay down and I pass the ball over all of them.  Each child does not get a chance to be singled out with a verse each time we do this song, so this final “EVERYONE LAY DOWN” verse solves the “…but I didn’t get a turn” whine!

    One of the funniest things is how the ball bumps along their tummies - because they're laughing!

   

To hear the song, click here.  It is also available on my newest cd,

“SEASON SINGS!”, which includes 30 great songs like this one!  To purchase it, go to the Recordings page on my website.    

Yours for a Song – and a Great Big Ball!

“Miss Carole” Stephens

Macaroni Soup! Active Music for Kids!  

Teaching with Routine and Sameness

Have you ever noticed how your children love to catch you making a mistake, especially when you do something out of order?  Children learn about the world around them by sameness and routine and they crave patterns that they can learn from.

One evening we had visitors over for dinner and it was a special occasion.  The food was coming out of the oven in phases to keep it warm.  One of our young guests must have been hungry so she served herself what was on the table and took a bite.  My oldest daughter, the perfectionist child, was quick to catch her breaking a dinner-time rule and called attention to the violation.  Our family procedures had trained her that we all start eating together, after the blessing.

Use this teaching tool to your advantage, especially when you want to increase the cooperation from your young children.  Family situations such as the morning rush, dinner time and bedtime are 3 situations that can be stressful on parents and children.  Creating a reoccurring sequence of events during these times can make them easier to get through.

Let’s take bedtime for example.  Children don’t like going to bed because they fear that they are going to miss out on something good.  They have this perception that “the REAL party begins when they have to go to bed.”  At the same time, parents can’t wait to get their children in bed so they can de-stress, relax or in some cases, get more work done.  If your children sense that you’re trying to rush them off to bed, they will prolong the event.

Allow your children to help you come up with all of the activities at bedtime and put them in sequential order.  Have them help you create large pictures that represent each of the events in the sequence: a story book, a pair of pajamas, a toilet, a glass of water, etc.  Next, tape each of the pictures high on the wall and out of their reach, placing them in sequential order. 

The additional key to success with this activity is to include your children in the process of creating it and to make it fun!  Put aside your mind chatter and stress, and take on an excited demeanor as you call out each of the items in order to have them complete them.  Go with them and participate.  The more engaged and fun you are in this process, the more they will feel a part of it.

If your child catches you doing something out of order, relax and don’t get defensive.  Be humble and thank them for catching the mistake.  They will feel respected and important that they uncovered the flaw.  Just try it on purpose sometime; break a sequence just to give them something to focus on and watch their legalistic nature make an issue of your mistake.

Teaching children cooperation and social skills can be a challenge.  Your little children do not arrive in the world ready to comply.  It takes time, patience, and practice to get them to cooperate and participate.  Use routine and sameness whenever you can and notice how much easier parenting can be.

Bill Corbett is the author of the award-winning parenting book series, LOVE, LIMITS, & LESSONS: A PARENT'S GUIDE TO RAISING COOPERATIVE KIDS (in English and in Spanish) and the executive producer and host of the public access television show CREATING COOPERATIVE KIDS. As a member of the American Psychological Association and the North American Society for Adlerian Psychology, Bill provides parent coaching and keynote presentations to parent and professional audiences across the country. He sits on the board of the Network Against Domestic Abuse and the Resource Advisory Committee for Attachment Parenting International, and holds several degrees in clinical psychology. Bill's practical experience comes as a father of 3 grown children, a grandfather of two, and a stepdad to three.  You can learn more about his work at http://www.CooperativeKids.com and http://www.BillCorbett.com.