I was shopping at the local “big box” store in town
recently. As I was walking
out into the parking lot, I noticed a mother walking in front of me with a
preschooler-aged little boy and a little girl of probably 8 or 9. The mother was yelling at the little girl to
“Get back here… NOW!” The little girl
seemed mad about something and she was walking a few feet ahead of the woman.
When the mother yelled (and quite loud I must say), the girl
would immediately stop in her tracks, arms folded, face down and with a huge
frown. As the mother caught up to the
girl, she yelled at her with a phrase something like “If you walk ahead of me one
more time, you’re gonna get it when we get home!” But as soon as the mother was almost within
an arm’s reach to her, the little girl would quickly walk ahead.”
This went on for the entire walk out into the parking
lot. With the constant threats and the
woman’s growing anger, I feared the mother might hit her daughter (assuming she
was her daughter). Customers passing us
by, quickly looked the other way . She
had a very big build and sounded and looked tired and angry. I was afraid she was going to have had enough
with the girl.
I’ve witnessed this incident many times in the past and I
think because I am a parent educator, I feel very sensitive to the
situation. I can feel the mother’s pain
of being tired, stressed and angry, and not in need of anyone adding to what
she already feels. And I can feel for
the little girl who may be acting this way because she is mad about something
that occurred between her and her mother earlier. It seems like a no-win situation that could
quickly get out of hand if the mother is not able to control her anger.
My friend and pediatrician Susan Markel, MD asks parents
to avoid losing control at all costs.
Chapter 8 in her book What Your
Pediatrician Doesn’t Know Can Hurt Your
Child (BenBella Books;2010) is titled Treat
Me Like I’m Someone You Love. In it
she warns parents that taking your anger or frustration out on your child is
likely to lead them to feeling like there is something wrong with them.
If you ever find yourself in this situation with your
children, remain calm, stop talking and give up the urge to control the
outcome. Take several deep breaths and
get yourself and your children home quickly.
Take a break as soon as you can and know that you are human and need breaks
from the kids now and again. I love that
Dr. Markel also says “Behavior is not taught to children by talking about
it. Rather, correct behavior is
demonstrated, observed and experienced… children learn to be nice by having
someone be nice to them.”
Bill Corbett is the author of the award-winning parenting book series, LOVE, LIMITS, & LESSONS: A PARENT'S GUIDE TO RAISING COOPERATIVE KIDS (in English and in Spanish) and the executive producer and host of the public access television show CREATING COOPERATIVE KIDS. As a member of the American Psychological Association and the North American Society for Adlerian Psychology, Bill provides parent coaching and keynote presentations to parent and professional audiences across the country. He sits on the board of the Network Against Domestic Abuse and the Resource Advisory Committee for Attachment Parenting International, and holds several degrees in clinical psychology. Bill's practical experience comes as a father of 3 grown children, a grandfather of two, and a stepdad to three. You can learn more about his work at http://www.CooperativeKids.com and http://www.BillCorbett.com.
Pinned, this is wonderful reminder to parents and teachers alike. The book sounds like a read and reread.
ReplyDeleteThank you Carolyn!
ReplyDeleteDefinitely need reminders like this, thanks!
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading Shauna!
ReplyDelete