Children ask questions.
Parents give answers.
Simple enough.
But what if some of the most important moments in a child's development happen when we resist the urge to answer?
Children are constantly trying to make sense of their world. They are organizing thoughts, processing experiences, exploring emotions, and building confidence in their own ability to think. Unfortunately, adults often interrupt this process without realizing it.
A child begins telling a story. Before they finish, we explain what happened.
A child asks a question. Before they have a chance to think, we provide the answer.
A child expresses a feeling. Before they can explore it, we rush in to make it better.
While our intentions are good, we sometimes rob children of valuable opportunities to develop their own thinking. Three simple phrases can help.
1. Tell Me More
This phrase communicates one powerful message:
"I'm interested in what you have to say."
Children who hear "Tell me more" learn that their thoughts have value. Instead of ending a conversation after a few sentences, they often continue exploring their ideas. They elaborate. They remember additional details. They make connections. Most importantly, they feel heard.
2. Then What Happened?
Children frequently pause during stories and look to adults for direction. Many adults unintentionally take over the conversation at this point. But "Then what happened?" gently hands ownership back to the child. The story remains theirs. The thinking remains theirs. The experience remains theirs. This simple phrase encourages sequencing, memory development, communication skills, and confidence.
3. What Do You Think?
This may be the most powerful phrase of all. When children ask questions, adults often assume they need answers. Sometimes they do. But many times they need something else. They need permission to think.
A child asks:
"Why do you think he was angry?"
"What happens after people die?"
"Do you think I can do it?"
Instead of immediately providing an answer, try asking:
"What do you think?"
This communicates trust. It tells children that their ideas matter. It teaches them to examine possibilities, consider solutions, and become comfortable with uncertainty.
A Lesson from My Granddaughter
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| McKenzie and her pal Jack |
One day my four-year-old granddaughter began telling me an elaborate story that made very little sense to me. As she talked, she occasionally stopped and looked at me, expecting a response. Instead of trying to figure out what she meant or directing the story myself, I simply used three phrases:
"What do you think?"
"Then what happened?"
"Tell me more."
Each phrase encouraged her to continue. The story became longer and more detailed. At one point she appeared frustrated, as if she was trying to work something out in her mind. Rather than solving it for her, I invited her to keep going.
A few minutes later she smiled, looked completely satisfied, and announced:
"And that's all."
Then she hopped down from her chair and invited me to play. I realized she hadn't needed answers from me at all. She simply needed someone willing to listen.
Children Grow When We Say Less
This doesn't mean parents should never answer questions. Children need guidance. They need information. They need instruction. But not every question requires an immediate answer.
Not every feeling needs to be fixed. Not every problem needs to be solved for them. Sometimes the greatest gift we can offer is curiosity.
When we say, "Tell me more," "Then what happened?" or "What do you think?" we invite children to continue exploring their own thoughts.
And in those moments, something remarkable happens.
Children discover that they are capable of thinking, feeling, and understanding far more than we sometimes give them credit for.
