If you are a Montessori teacher, you are likely very familiar with the five principles of the Montessori method: respect for the child, the absorbent mind, sensitive periods, the prepared environment, and auto-education. (At the end of this post, you'll find a copy of a letter received from a Montessori director, praising the Love, Limits & Lessons program that she hosted at her school.)
The Love, Limits & Lessons parenting program (referred to throughout this post as LLL) offers a positive approach that aligns with these five principles. It offers unconditionally loving reactive steps for handling unexpected challenging behaviors when they arise, along with proactive steps to take in day-to-day family life to minimize or eliminate these challenges. Similar to the goal of the Montessori method, the Love, Limits & Lessons parenting program aims to create a strong foundation, enabling children to become motivated, independent learners who will eventually transition into successful adults as they continue their education and development.
Children raised by parents who have completed the Love, Limits & Lessons parenting program adapt more easily to the Montessori classroom and perform significantly better. The best part is that they thrive when they return home at the end of each day. Please consider bringing the LLL parenting class or workshop to your school. Here is how each Montessori principle is matched with the methodology of this parenting program.
teaching the child, especially when the child's behavior is a challenge. There is no room for punishment or spanking in response to misbehavior. Instead, conversation, times for a break, or respectful consequences are used. The most successful consequences are those created in advance with the child's participation and at a time when the misbehavior is not happening. Often, a consequence isn't even needed because the misbehavior may actually be the child's way of getting their needs met appropriately. In this case, redirection may be the solution in the moment. Still, the proper solution is to help the child identify the unmet need at a later time and assist them in getting it met appropriately.
Principle 2 - The absorbent mind. Parents are coached in the LLL program to be aware of the various ways in which children learn, recognize them when they see them, and take advantage of them when they occur. They are: instruction or lecture at times when they are open to learning, observation of events or situations, guided role-play, open-ended questions, and positive reinforcement. When an incident involving challenging behavior occurs, parents are taught to address it as quickly as possible, using as few words as necessary, with the well-being and safety of everyone in mind. For example, if a severe meltdown occurs in a retail store, the parent should refrain from talking. As soon as the meltdown subsides, the shopping trip is considered over, and the child should be transported home as safely and quickly as possible. Leave the shopping cart in the aisle, and get everyone home.
The second thing that should occur is for the adults to develop a plan for future shopping trips to minimize the likelihood of another meltdown, such as inviting the child to help create rules for the next trip and setting up boundaries before entering the store. It helps to create a focus for the child by providing them with a list of items or pictures of products to look for, making them feel engaged in the shopping experience.
Principle 3 - Sensitive periods. Parents lead hectic and stressful lives, and it can be easy to be too focused on keeping up with daily living, especially with several children. The LLL program offers numerous daily techniques for parents to enhance their effective communication and emotional connection with their children. One example is the morning connection exercise. Everyone rushing to get out of the house in the morning can cause a great deal of stress and contribute to children feeling disconnected from their parents.
seated. A visual timer should be set for at least 5 minutes, during which the parent is not allowed to speak but must listen. The parent can respond with sounds of affirmation, smiles, and nods, but no words. Experts have said that just a few moments of this connection between children and parents fuels the child in a way that contributes to them feeling heard and valued. This exercise should be set up in advance and presented through role-play so that children know what to expect when it occurs.
Principle 4 - Prepared environment. Similar to teachers selecting and arranging materials in a sequential order, parents are advised to set up playrooms, bedrooms, schedules, homework areas, and procedures in a specific way that is conducive to their children's positive emotional health. For example, bedrooms are for sleeping and quiet time and, if possible, should not contain toys or electronic devices that can be distracting. The bedtime routine should be organized and consistent, and roleplay should be used to review what it will look and feel like prior to the actual time.
Timeouts (or as we call them, self-quieting moments) are encouraged and are entirely different than the traditional timeout model. Children are encouraged to have their own personal space to go to when they feel a tantrum coming on. The space is set up in advance with the child's help and filled with things that make them feel better, especially things to look at or touch. Once this special spot is in place, roleplay should be used to help them understand how and when it's used.
Parents are encouraged to allow their children to accompany them as they create their own special self-quieting space as well. When the time comes and the child appears to be having an emotional moment, instead of demanding that the child go to this space, they can say, "It looks like it's time for you to go to your special place." If they won't go, the parent should do whatever they can to move them there, without words. This may require many attempts to practice and make it happen, but patience and silence are essential.
Principle 5 - Auto-Education. One of the first rules of the LLL program is to stop doing too much for your children, and indeed, don't talk for them. Parents must set up rules, boundaries, and procedures in advance for and with their children by teaching them with compassion, role-playing with them, practicing these behaviors, and then standing back and letting them apply what they've learned. If they fail, be ready to help them process what happened and what they will do next time.
When our three children were in school, we told them that their schoolwork belonged to them, but we were there to help. We also stated that they were responsible for securing and bringing their lunch money to school each day, and if they lost it, we were sure they knew how to prepare a secondary meal, such as a peanut butter sandwich and fruit, if needed.
Over the years, there were numerous times when one of our children left their lunch on the kitchen counter or lost their lunch money. These were all life lessons that they learned from having the experience, rather than having a parent who rushed home and then to the school to rescue them. The LLL program encourages parents to prepare as best they can in advance and then step back to allow their children to learn from failure if necessary. It's the successes and failures that speak louder to them than the words of the adults around them.
"Dad, I have to draw a poster that represents the story in the book we've been reading in class, and I don't know what to draw. It's due tomorrow! I want you to help me!" I told him that I was confident that he could do it himself. He again said in a loud voice, "I don't know what to draw!" I replied, "Make believe you know," and to that, he stomped off to his room, whining and moaning, and said that I wouldn't help him. An hour later, he emerged from his room, excited about what he had created. I smiled and said, "Tell me about the drawing." The excitement in his face and voice as he described it to me overwhelmed me with joy.
If your Montessori school is within reasonable driving distance from Springfield, MA, and you'd like to host a one-time RAISING AN INDEPENDENT CHILD OR TEEN workshop, download this workshop proposal and then contact me to discuss. I'd be happy to waive my fee for the opportunity to help change the lives of some of your parents. You can email me at billcorbett@yahoo.com.
(This image was taken while teaching the Love, Limits & Lessons workshop at Longmeadow Montessori)
