Three Phrases That Help Children Think for Themselves

Many parents assume their primary job is to provide answers.

Children ask questions.
Parents give answers.

Simple enough.

But what if some of the most important moments in a child's development happen when we resist the urge to answer?

Children are constantly trying to make sense of their world. They are organizing thoughts, processing experiences, exploring emotions, and building confidence in their own ability to think. Unfortunately, adults often interrupt this process without realizing it.

A child begins telling a story. Before they finish, we explain what happened.

A child asks a question. Before they have a chance to think, we provide the answer.

A child expresses a feeling. Before they can explore it, we rush in to make it better.

While our intentions are good, we sometimes rob children of valuable opportunities to develop their own thinking. Three simple phrases can help.

1. Tell Me More

This phrase communicates one powerful message:

"I'm interested in what you have to say."

Children who hear "Tell me more" learn that their thoughts have value. Instead of ending a conversation after a few sentences, they often continue exploring their ideas. They elaborate. They remember additional details. They make connections. Most importantly, they feel heard.

2. Then What Happened?

Children frequently pause during stories and look to adults for direction. Many adults unintentionally take over the conversation at this point. But "Then what happened?" gently hands ownership back to the child. The story remains theirs. The thinking remains theirs. The experience remains theirs. This simple phrase encourages sequencing, memory development, communication skills, and confidence.

3. What Do You Think?

This may be the most powerful phrase of all. When children ask questions, adults often assume they need answers. Sometimes they do. But many times they need something else. They need permission to think.

A child asks:

"Why do you think he was angry?"

"What happens after people die?"

"Do you think I can do it?"

Instead of immediately providing an answer, try asking:

"What do you think?"

This communicates trust. It tells children that their ideas matter. It teaches them to examine possibilities, consider solutions, and become comfortable with uncertainty.

A Lesson from My Granddaughter

McKenzie and her pal Jack

One day my four-year-old granddaughter began telling me an elaborate story that made very little sense to me. As she talked, she occasionally stopped and looked at me, expecting a response. Instead of trying to figure out what she meant or directing the story myself, I simply used three phrases:

"What do you think?"

"Then what happened?"

"Tell me more."

Each phrase encouraged her to continue. The story became longer and more detailed. At one point she appeared frustrated, as if she was trying to work something out in her mind. Rather than solving it for her, I invited her to keep going.

A few minutes later she smiled, looked completely satisfied, and announced:

"And that's all."

Then she hopped down from her chair and invited me to play. I realized she hadn't needed answers from me at all. She simply needed someone willing to listen.

Children Grow When We Say Less

This doesn't mean parents should never answer questions. Children need guidance. They need information. They need instruction. But not every question requires an immediate answer.

Not every feeling needs to be fixed. Not every problem needs to be solved for them. Sometimes the greatest gift we can offer is curiosity.

When we say, "Tell me more," "Then what happened?" or "What do you think?" we invite children to continue exploring their own thoughts.

And in those moments, something remarkable happens.

Children discover that they are capable of thinking, feeling, and understanding far more than we sometimes give them credit for.

Why I Created Cooperative Kids and the Love, Limits & Lessons Program

Our jobs demanded long hours. Highway construction stretched our commute. Yard work never seemed to end. Weekends felt more exhausting than restorative. And inside our home, our three school-aged and preteen children seemed to be fighting more and cooperating less.

Get the book that provides many answers.

When we compared notes with other parents in casual conversations, we realized we weren’t unusual. We were normal. Busy. Stressed. Doing our best.

But while I couldn’t do much about corporate deadlines or growing grass, I became increasingly focused on one question:   How could I become a better father?

I wanted our children to get along better. I wanted more cooperation. I wanted our home to feel less reactive and more connected. I quickly realized that yelling and punitive discipline weren’t producing the results I hoped for. In fact, they seemed to be making things worse.

And I knew something else with absolute clarity: I did not want to repeat the patterns I had grown up with. My father was abusive. My mother was abused. I had no intention of passing that legacy forward.

But if not that… then what?

With a project-manager mindset and a growing education in psychology, I began searching for better answers. I started reading parenting books. I studied parenting styles and psychological theories. I asked a more refined version of my original question: What are better parenting techniques for raising independent, drug-free, cooperative children?

In 1995, while still working my corporate job, I launched an organization called Cooperative Kids. Drawing on established psychological principles and practical parenting models, I began developing and testing approaches in my own home.

Our family became my practice ground. When something worked, I observed why. When something backfired, I adjusted it. I kept notes. I paid attention to patterns. I refined the language. I measured results.

Over time, something remarkable began happening. Our children expressed their feelings more openly. Agreements replaced arguments. We raised our voices less. Punishment became less necessary. And yes, cooperation increased.

One day, my wife saw our son cleaning up without being told and asked, “How did you get him to do that?!” The answer wasn’t magic. It wasn’t fear. It wasn’t control. It was understanding.

Influenced by Adlerian psychology, positive-discipline principles, and decades of developmental research, I came to a simple but transformative conclusion:

Misbehavior is communication.

When children “act out,” they are often attempting to meet a legitimate emotional need in ineffective ways. 

If we could understand the need behind the behavior, and teach more appropriate ways to meet it, cooperation became far more natural.

The notes I recorded in those early years became the foundation for workshops, parenting classes, and eventually the material for my books, courses and other materials.

From 1995 to 2012, I taught my Love, Limits & Lessons course at many Montessori schools in MA and CT. Two of those schools that asked me to return over and over were The Montessori School of the Berkshires and The Longmeadow Montessori in Longmeadow, MA.

My newest book LOVE, LIMITS & LESSONS: THE PARENT TOOLBOX is not theory alone. It is lived, tested, refined practice, built in the real world, with real children, under real stress.

The Love Your Child Remembers Most Isn’t Loud

We tend to think of love in big moments.

Birthdays. Holidays. Celebrations.
The kind of days that get circled on the calendar.

But the truth is, children don’t build their sense of being loved from those moments alone.

They build it quietly.

In the way you sit beside them when they’re working through something.
In the way you listen when they talk about something small that feels big to them.
In the way you notice them—without being asked.

Love, for a child, is not measured in grand gestures.
It’s measured in presence.

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The Small Moments Are the Real Message

A few minutes of undivided attention.
A calm response instead of a rushed one.
A shared activity that says, “I’m here with you.”

These are the moments that add up.

Not because they’re impressive, but because they’re consistent.

And in a world that often feels busy and distracted, consistency feels like safety.

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Slowing Down to Be Intentional

One of the challenges many parents face isn’t a lack of love—it’s a lack of time to express it thoughtfully.

We move fast. We juggle responsibilities. We react more than we reflect.

What if, instead of trying to “do more,” we simply paused long enough to notice what matters?

That’s where small, intentional ideas can make a difference.

Not as a checklist.
Not as something to perfect.

But as gentle reminders.

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A Different Kind of Parenting Tool

50 Ways to Show Your Child Love was created with that idea in mind.

It’s not a traditional parenting book.

Instead, it invites you to slow down through simple cryptogram puzzles—each one revealing a meaningful way to connect with your child.

There’s no pressure to rush through it.
No expectation to do everything.

Just small moments of discovery…
followed by small moments of action.

Because sometimes, the best way to reconnect with what matters is to take a step back and rediscover it.

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One Piece at a Time

If you think about it, love in a family is a lot like a puzzle.

It isn’t built all at once.
It comes together piece by piece.

A conversation here.
A shared moment there.
A quiet decision to show up, even when life is busy.

And over time, those pieces form something your child carries with them long after they’ve grown.

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You don’t need to do more to show your child love.

You just need to notice the moments that are already there—and choose them with intention.

One small piece at a time. ❤️